Halloween is nigh upon us, and with it will surely come the terrible fashion show of scantily clad police officers, firefighters, nurses, teachers, and other previously-innocent-and-wholesome professions. Now I don’t advocate for getting rid of all sexy costumes (if you’re feelin’ it, you’re feelin’ it), but there are some things that should probably stay out of the messy costumes that make their way into your Trick or Treat bag this Halloween. Seriously, please don’t attempt these. If I see you in them I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself for giving you the idea in the first place. Actually, stop reading now. The world and your dignity will probably be better off.
Well, I guess you’re not gonna listen to me if you’ve already gotten this far. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
In what kind of hell-bent nightmare world do we need to sexualise the humble tomato? Pickles, I completely understand, but burgers hold a very special place in my heart. Don’t disgrace them and their deliciousness with your sinful meat-in-bun jokes. Please, and thank you.
Okay, so the original Ghostbusters were never particularly attractive, but it doesn’t mean that just because they’re women now you can sex them up and parade your guns around in the name of Halloween shenanigans. It took a lot of effort to build a good reputation for the new Ghostbusters, so try not to insult the idols of little girls around the world. (Sexy Chris Hemsworth though? Completely approved).
I have three questions:
Do you have a butt like Ryan Reynolds?
Can you pull off tights like Ryan Reynolds?
Are you Ryan Reynolds?
If your answer to any of these questions is ‘No’, then you probably shouldn’t dress up as him. You are not worthy. No one is worthy. Next costume.
Finding Dory is only fresh out of the box-office, so I guess that Nemo fans are old enough now to wear something a little scandalous – but a sex-fish is not the answer. If this is how you all treat an innocent kids film, then I kind of wish that Nemo had been flushed away in the first film so he wouldn’t have to witness this filth.
We all know that Pokémon Go took the world by storm, and I appreciate that we got to relive part of our childhood. But sexy Pikachu is just too far, guys. Who can look at that cute lil’ face and think dirty thoughts? (Don’t answer that.)
Clowns scared me before people dressed up as them and walked creepily throughout the night. But a sexy clown? Considering I am terrified of both clowns and intimacy, this is basically my worst nightmare.
Now I am not a particularly religious man, but I know that some things are strictly off-limits. I take it you’ve all seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Sister Act. Don’t ruin it for me, I beg you.
#3 Donald Trump
Think of a sexy Cheeto, a sexy Oompa Loompa and a sexy haystack. Now stop thinking about it because it’s disgusting, especially when you put it together with the used tampon that is Trump’s personality. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
#2 Kim K & Her Thieving Kidnapper
I know that this is technically a couple’s costume, but it doesn’t make it much better. The high-profile heist made the rounds on the Internet, but it’s never funny to laugh off a woman’s assault - especially if her thief is wearing nothing but a Zorro mask and a leather harness.
The pinnacle of pop-culture this year, this costume is the 2016’s Number One No-No. It exists, I have seen it online, and I have half a mind to send a stern e-mail to its manufacturer in my respect to Harambe’s memory (RIP). I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please don’t get your dicks out for Harambe this Halloween.
Image Credit: Esquire