There are wankers everywhere in this crazy world, but as a general rule they seem to congregate more in the big cities. I originally proposed this as a list of 1,000 different kinds of toolbags you find in a big city, but the editors said I had to narrow it down to 15. So here they are. Surely you’ve met some of these people?
- People who pretend they like Bieber now in an ironic way but in reality they actually like Bieber. Bieber is still shit BTW.
- The person in the office who has a stand-up desk, and constantly tells people they have a stand-up desk. Stop it. You won’t live longer. Like child labour, stand-up desks were declared inhumane shortly after the Industrial Revolution.
- People who are obsessed with Nutella. Or doughnuts. Or fucking cronuts. Unless you are a small child, you are too old to get infatuated with sweet foods. If you want to eat Nutella, eat Nutella and move on with your life. Don’t post about it every second day on social media.
- Mothers who think it’s necessary to loudly remark on everything their toddler is doing so everyone else in the café/restaurant/street gets a play-by-play commentary of the kid’s life. ‘Jaydyn, your babychino is here. Jaydyn are you going to drink it? Do you want some toastie too? You’re going to go for a walk over to that other table? You’re eating that man’s ham and cheese croissant? Jaydyn do you still want a toastie as well? Come here so I can brush your hair, then we’re going to Claude’s birthday party.’ etc.
- Scientists. Why haven’t you invented a simple cure for hangovers yet? Wankers.
- People who bomb Instagram or Facebook with pics of their same group of three friends at the same bars every weekend and think using the hashtag #squadgoals and #weekendlyfe makes it seem like they’re living a Taylor Swift/Selena Gomez-style glam popstar party life.
- Tosspots who think they’re special because they drink coffee. Breaking: 98 per cent of people love coffee. It hasn’t been a mysterious or remarkable drink since the mid-15th Century. You’re not fancy because you drink it.
- Teenagers. You haven’t come up with a hilarious trend since planking. WTF? Stop doing the marijuana and invent something funny.
- That person who insists that the Netflix show they are currently bingeing on is the GREATEST show of ALL TIME and anyone who isn’t watching it yet is a TOTAL DICKHEAD, while constantly giving away casual spoilers. (Note: This is basically everyone I know, including me).
- Recalcitrants who walk incredibly slowly and two abreast to block the path and randomly stop all the time until you eventually have to squeeze past them and then they gasp and jump away from you like you’re a vicious street thug who’s going to rob their ponderous arses.
- That one tool in the cycling group (peloton?) who has the ‘funky’ outfit. You’re not different. There’s no satire in cycling. You’re just like the rest.
- Psychopaths who like cats more than dogs. You are seriously ill and should seek help.
- Girls who haven’t yet realised it’s OK to get about in active wear at all times now. Embrace the revolution, ladies. Active wear is super comfortable and you look sexy AF in it. Start wearing that shit to work.
- Guys who groom their face stubble far too perfectly and end up looking like George Michael.
- People who write for list websites and constantly take pot shots at all the easy targets like Manbuns and baristas and Nutella-lovers and think they’re clever but actually just come off sounding like bigger wankers than the people they’re trying to mock.
Image credit: yourfriendshouse.com