So your bestie and your sister and every other person you have ever met in your whole entire life are all up the duff, or they have just popped out a kid, or they're talking about 'trying'. Awesome news, right? You're going to have front row access to a baby. A tiny little human with the skin so soft it's almost unbelievable. And you have zero responsibility for them. This is great. Well, it's great until you realise you just lost your friend to the black hole that is parenthood.
Don't get us wrong. We love kids. But here are a few things that are most definitely going to happen when your friends have kids.
- You can never go to normal restaurants anymore.
- And now you know every single cafe that has high chairs, colouring books, toys and playgrounds.
- All your plans must be made around nap times. Breakfast at 7am on Saturday is apparently normal now.
- They talk about how hard having kids is.
- Then they try to convince you to have kids too #miserylovescompany.
- You have to go to first birthday parties. And you have to take a present. Even though the baby will prefer the box that it came in.
- They Skype you in the middle of dinner to show you their kid. Not to show you their kid doing something awesome. Just their kid doing nothing in particular. And you have to act excited.
- The kid’s gotta eat when the kid’s got eat, life in general will just have to wait.
- You learn what an episiotomy is and swear that you are not having kids.
- Your social media feeds are flooded with babies—newborn babies, crawling babies, talking babies, walking babies and every baby in between.
- You develop a weird obsession with tiny clothes—wouldn’t little Rosie look amazing in this sparkly pink tutu that she will wear once before she grows out of it?
- All your friends start driving mum vans.
- You can’t go on holiday with them anymore.
- Especially not a spontaneous weekend getaway.
- They call you to see if you can babysit instead of to see if you can hang out.
- They take three days to respond to messages now.
- Or, if you manage to get them on the phone, the baby will interrupt your conversation at least 38 times.
- You like one post on Facebook (here’s looking at you little Rosie) and all of a sudden Facebook starts serving you all of the baby ads.
- If you have more than one mum in your group of friends then all conversations forevermore will be about kids. You can try all you want to talk about that new bar around the corner but it will somehow lead back to the babies.
- You have to stop wearing white. And anything that is hard to clean. If you have plans to catch up just wear a cheap black tee, okay?
- If you invite them over to your place, you will have to clean it immediately after they leave thanks to little Freddie’s inability to get food in his mouth.
- But then their kid will do something really cute and you will experience a very real urge to squeeze them. Hard.
- You’ll occasionally get just a little bit clucky, because kids are pretty great most of the time.
Want more lols? Here are 21 people you'll definitely meet while travelling.
Image credit: The Hangover