25 Things You Should Never Say At Christmas Lunch

By Millie Lester
25th Dec 2016

25 Things You Should Never Say At  Christmas Lunch

As everyone knows, Christmas is a sacred time for comparing the retail price of Christmas presents with your siblings, stealing all the Lindt balls off the table while mum’s mashing the potatoes, and bitching about how stingy Grandma is, but there are also a host of other topics that should not, under any circumstances, be broached over festive nibbles.

Here are 25 things you should never say at Christmas lunch.

  1. “I’ll say grace if Uncle Craig admits global warming is real.”
  2. “Granny, stop skimping on presents, I know for a fact you won six-grand on the pokies last week and this book you got me is literally riddled with dog-eared pages.”
  3. “Mum, Granny accidentally gave me a copy of the Kama Sutra again.”
  4. “Can whoever brings the potato salad next year actually cook the fecking potatoes first, it’s like I’m eating Lego.”
  5. “If I open this envelope and there’s another iTunes voucher in there, Aunty Cheryl, I’m going to pour this lemon lime & bitters in your handbag.”
  6. “Nah I won’t have brandy sauce or ice cream with my pudding, thanks.”
  7. “I hope whoever brought the turducken gets called up for jury duty on their birthday.”
  8. “Dad’s pashing Aunty Cheryl in the carpark.”
  9. “No I’m not married yet, Uncle Neil, how’s unemployment?”
  10. “Can we save present opening until after lunch?”
  11. “If someone donates one more goat to a poor person on my behalf in lieu of a Christmas present, I’ll kick their car door in.”
  12. “Can we put that Christmas song, Six White Boomers, on?”
  13. “Granny should have to do the dishes as punishment for getting everyone shit presents again.”
  14. “Jesus ate gluten without complaining, Alice, so should you.”
  15. “Mum, you wore that exact same outfit last Christmas. It fit you better then.”
  16. “It’s against my religion to receive gifts with an RRP of less than $50.”
  17. “I read on the Daily Mail that Jesus was a Scientologist.”
  18. “My New Year’s resolution is to never get married or have kids.”
  19. “Richmond’s premiership win was an absolute fluke.”
  20. “I’ve eaten better salads at Maccas.”
  21. “Can we go to Maccas after this?”
  22. “You should get jail time for undercooking a turkey.”
  23. “And you should get shot for being that cousin that eats all the Red Rock Deli chips.”
  24. “Honestly, can Granny please stop drinking the brandy sauce out of the gravy boat?”
  25. “Can we do Christmases without Granny every second year?”

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Image credit: Elf

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