31 Thoughts We Had During Episode 11 Of Love Island

As it happens, low budget and loosely moraled reality TV don’t stop for no queen—not even on her 92nd birthday. And, on this particular weekend we’re nose diving straight into a cesspool of side boob, stray cats and slow-motion bikini shots just to shake things up a bit. Because this (spoiler) is Love Island, not Inception.

Here are 31 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.

1. As it turns out, another one bites the Stockholm syndrome-y dust as Millie begins the episode by basically apologising for not ‘servicing’ Elias in the ‘sex dungeon of love’ the night before.
2. Meanwhile, Josh is explaining to the boys that dogs are actually man-made creations developed by fellas in the olden days who tricked evil wolves into being good boys by leaving Schmackos outside their Kathmandu tents.
3. Over in the pool, Jaxon is trying to make it seem like he hasn’t spent the last fortnight building a replica of Cassidy’s house on Sims 2.
4. Cassidy then dashes Jaxon’s dreams of a two-bedroom townhouse and tri-daily woo hoos by setting a firm six-foot height minimum for all suitors wanting to board her waterslide.
5. Back on the grassy knoll, Mr Google is still busy faking an intellect by regurgitating space facts he read on the back of his mum’s Libra pads.
6. Meanwhile, Elias is busy driving what’s left of his and Millie’s relationship into the ground by listing off all the ‘hot babes’ on Insta he’s going to root and boot when he gets out of this hell hole with his fifty grand.
7. The Girl Gang quickly assembles and unanimously votes to excommunicate this dirty bush pig toot bloody sweet.
8. While all of this is going down, the rumour mill is running itself into a heaving pile of sticks with whispers that Josh and Cassidy are itching to get hot and heavy in the communal bedroom while the lights are off and the night vision cameras are on.
9. Cassidy herself then confirms these rumours over a couple of Ruskis with Erin who swears on her entire family’s life that she won’t tell anyone.
10. As soon as Cassidy passes out from alcohol poisoning, Erin goes straight to Josh to offload her hot goss and then suddenly gets ushered into a caravan by a producer who has some ‘bad news’ vis-a-vis her entire family.
11. Justin then gets a text telling him to put on his favourite Billabong rashie because Australia just voted for him to go on a date with his favourite sheila (Millie).
12. Josh then gets the same text and decides to whisk Cassidy away to the local RSL for a leg of lamb and a dead lizard or two.
13. Both couples drown themselves in a litre of Rexona body spray before hot footing it to the local disco where a Zumba instructor teaches them the moves to Despacito.
14. Back at the villa, Tash is getting a bit annoyed that bitches keep stealing her platonic little brother.
15. But Josh is loving himself sick with a KFC Solo Freeze in one hand and finger gun in the other, sweet talking his way into Cassidy’s overprotective heart.
16. A few feet away, Millie and Justin are growing surprisingly intimate and are already six minutes into a ‘straw seal’ improv skit.
17. The double date comes to a climax when Cassidy then reveals that she has the hots for Josh and Justin rubs an orange slice along Millie’s eyebrow in an attempt to trigger her pheromones.
18. At the villa, Jaxon has quickly realised that he can’t put all of his eggs in Cassidy’s womb basket and quickly makes a move on very single Tash by re-gendering her.
19. Justin and Millie then arrive back at the villa and lock lips in front of everyone because why the hell not? They’re all so drunk they’ve forgotten about the seventeen cameramen shadowing their every twerk.
20. Millie then chews Elias out on the deckchairs for slipping into another girl’s DMs and Elias bites back by calling her a dead root.
21. Meanwhile, Cassidy is presenting Josh with an executive summary of how slow they’re going to go throughout the next seventeen years of their relationship.
22. Josh then starts hyperventilating by the pool for fear that he’s already falling out of love with Cassidy, the queen and overlord of tricking men into serious relationships that ‘force them into an inescapable situation of adultery with Tayla’.
23. All of a sudden there’s a knock on the door and our brand new resident size 8 ‘curvy’ maneater Mac arrives, ready to try and steal your man but ultimately get paired up with Josh for six days of sporadic hugs.
24. Erin then gets a text message telling Mac to put a fresh coat of lippy on, because she’s about to settle in for a flirt-athon with the villa’s half dozen semi-eligible boys.
25. Word then gets out that Mac already has her eye on Josh which sends Cassidy into a jealous rage that results in her getting a face tattoo of his name and the deed to a twin burial plot.
26. In between all the heckin’ lemons, Mac decides to light a flame with Elias, who’s just finished setting up a lilo in the dog house.
27. Jaxon then rubs some Dettol hand soap under his pitts and gets ready to test drive a new womb basket.
28. As usual, he can barely get three seconds into a conversation without announcing that he works with kids with disabilities, which leaves him with a few anecdotes about his last couple of hit and runs in various Best & Less car parks.
29. Eden is then dragged up to the balcony for a convo with Mac, but mostly gets an earful of abuse from Erin who’s lobbing butter knives at them from below.
30. The sun goes down and Jaxon makes a little speech to fill in some time, more specifically so he can mention working with disabled children again in case Mac didn’t hear him the first eleventeen time.
31. The episode then concludes with next to shit-all happening (like it has been for the past two and a half freaking weeks) paired with a tight little sneak peak of Monday’s episode which promises to deliver four seconds of Sophie Monk if the producer remembers to include it.

Image credit: Love Island