31 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Bachelor In Paradise

It’s time to get into your favourite full-length Cotton On bathrobe, crack open a fresh tub of Homebrand Neapolitan ice cream and grab the closest cat (yours or otherwise), because our favourite brain cell-crushing feature-length sunscreen ad is back for its fifth week and I can already feel my brain cells bleeding out of my eyeballs.

Here are 31 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.

1. The episode opens with Jarrod asking Keira to go around with him and her saying yeah ok, cheers thanks a lot get me a Chiko roll and I’ll think about it.
2. American Jared is feeling down in the dumps because he gave Leah a pity rose and now she’s threatening to torch his family’s farm if he doesn’t elope with her to Bali right now.
3. What’s-Her-Face then asks American Jared where his head’s at vis-a-vis their dwindling flame and he mishears her and instead gives a detailed synopsis of Shrek 3 for forty minutes.
4. Eden takes a break from exfoliating Elora’s neck with a Passion Mango Boost Juice to reveal a date card with Thomas’ name on it that he found in a Corona bottle on the beach this morning when he went spearfishing with a pool noodle.
5. Little Hercules invites Rachael to go get a Milo Cup and some potato cakes at the milk bar down the road. He can’t go any further though because he’s still on his Ls.
6. Meanwhile, American Jared tries to spread a rumour at the pool that Thomas has nits.
7. Over at the bar, Wais is trying to get everyone f*cked up on lemon margaritas because he has a bet going with the cameraman that Keira will fall in the pool before dinner.
8. Elora then heads to the diary room and confesses that she’s more attracted to a lukewarm 3-piece feed than to Eden.
9. Meanwhile, over on the beach, Eden’s telling Jake that Elora won’t stop touching his bum.
10. Back at the corner shop down the road, Hercules is telling What’s-Her-Face a pack of lies to bag a rose and land a hammock in Paradise for a couple more days until his travel Visa runs out and he has to work at a capsicum farm to stay in the country.
11. Both of them eventually run out of Netflix recommendations and mutual Facebook friends to talk about and decide to smooch up a storm to fill the silence.
12. Jake then announces that his and Megan’s relationship is strong AF and can withstand any shock returns of former flames. As if scripted, Osher bursts out from behind a recycle bin and fires a lightning bolt at the Love Gate to reveal a leggy blonde grape vining her way along the path in platform wedges.
13. In walks Flo with a fresh blow wave and shellac nails, ready to f*ck shit up.
14. Jake’s on edge because he forgot he slapped her with soggy fish at their last rose ceremony and is worried she may attempt air his dirty closet skeletons in front of his new missus.
15. Fortunately, Flo’s here to find love. But will apparently accept sweet, sweet unadulterated revenge as a consolation prize because that’s the kind of easy-going sheila she is.
16. Flo’s search for love is unfortunately cut short as she begins making verbal death threats via an elaborate game of Chinese Whispers from the Rotunda of Romance.
17. Little Hercules and What’s-Her-Face return from down the shops and announce that their date was a solid 6.5 out of 10. American Jared is immediately devastated because she only rated his Shrek 3 recap a 3.
18. All of a sudden someone shoves another date card under the kitchen door and Tara invites Uncle Sam on a romantic trip to the local disco where she’ll shout him a can of Fanta and some BBQ crinkle cut chips.
19. Back at the island, Elora pulls Eden aside to tell him to stop ogling her lovely lady lumps.
20. All of a sudden, he storms off set because his Nintendo DS is dead and he honestly just cannot right now, so calls it quits because if his Shiba Inu doesn’t get fed on Nintendogs, this whole charade was all for nothing.
21. Meanwhile, Uncle Sam and Tara have wandered into a Fijian debutante where they are roped into some cultural partner dancing and Tara announces halfway through a crump that Sammy is the man of her dreams.
22. Unfortunately, under Fijian law she has now been wed to a young local rice farmer who keeps calling her Sue.
23. Uncle Sam looks pretty cut up about it, cuts his losses and heads back to Paradise to practice his pool handstands.
24. Elora then returns from Heartbreak Hotel to announce that Eden left paradise because his sister died.
25. Meanwhile, Flo is still pissed AF that Jake and Megan are getting hot and heavy in her line of sight and decides to slip into the Daily Mail’s DMs with some fabricated cheating rumours to harm his chances of landing a spot on Family Feud All-Stars.
26. Eventually Jake decides to take the high road and pulls her aside for a chat so he can sedate her with a horse tranquiliser and throw her in a ditch.
27. After a quick tiff about who has the most authentic looking tan, the two former love birds agree to let sleeping dogs lie and head back to get maggoted on Midori Splices.
28. Osh then appears out of nowhere like a stealthy ninja and announces that no more spunky muffins will be entering the island, so if you want to get featured on The Project spruiking a meal replacement milkshake brand, make your move now.
29. Leah announces for the eleventy hundredth time that she’s leaving the island and Megan’s so excited by the news that her togs fall off on the way to the bar.
30. After packing all her bikinis in a knock-off Gucci suitcase, Leah does a contemporary rendition of her year 12 leavers speech and then storms out when no one sobs into their cocktail and calls her a modern-day Nicholas Sparks.
31. This show promised us drama and so far, Simone’s hair hasn’t ~accidentally~ caught fire on one of Elora’s homemade bunsen burners even once. Sad.

Image credit: TenPlay