35 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester
13th Mar 2018

Sunday night’s episode of I’m A Raging Misogynist With A Power Complex, Get Me A Cold Beer! was enough to make you want to wrap yourself in a hot curling iron and jump into an infinity pool. And yet here we are. 

After sitting through Dean’s seventy minute ‘urban’ adaptation of the Vagina Monologues (self-titled ‘Anyone Who’s Got One Shouldn’t Hold A Position In Office’) and being forced to watch Nasser’s Mardi Gras highlight reel to the tune of an Adele - Rolling In The Deep DJ remix, there’s little pulling me out of bed in the morning other than Ash’s burning hot hatred of Troy’s pure existence.

Here are 35 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. First things first, Ash wakes up with a full face of makeup and flawless winged eyeliner because yeah, the patriarchy.
  2. Next to her, Troy is clinging on with his crusty banana hands like there’s no mincey tomorrow.
  3. Across the hall, John brings Mel a mug of hot dishwater in bed because he has stage nine cooking dyslexia and a debilitating fear of stainless steel kitchen appliances.
  4. Dr Love Guru Mel then swans into the voiceover and introduces an *exclusive* new segment called ‘Shmife Schmwap’ wherein the couples trade female spouses for a designated space of time and then reunite to bitch about how Susan keeps tomato sauce in the fridge—a television first for Australia.
  5. *Envelope slips under the door* Charlene: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.
  6. Down the hall, Dean unfolds the Hello Kitty stationary and punches a wall.
  7. Meanwhile, Troy’s already having his mail redirected to Ash’s house and thawing out some veal mince on the island bench.
  8. Down at the local Grill’d, Charlene is waiting patiently for Dickhead Dean while arranging a shrine of domestic assault survivors on his placemat.
  9. Eventually Dean arrives on his matt black Razor scooter and matching ‘urban’ satchel, ready to deny any and all accusations from Charlene, no matter how much evidence-based research she may present. Because girls suck and boys rule. 
  10. After some small talk about how each other’s relationships are going (Tracey has slashed an incredible 37 Audi car tyres this week down at Bondi, and Patrick’s watched The Notebook four times in bed), Charlene then cross-examines the shitness for a solid halfa.
  11. Meanwhile, under the table, Dean’s whittling a salt shaker into a rib shiv.
  12. Over in a Hungry Jacks across the city, Telv is close to tears trying to ram some sense down Tracey’s throat, while Tracey’s doodling little Nike high tops on her serviette and chuckling into her Oreo Storm.
  13. Tracey: ‘Telv is like Dean, he’s a real man’s man with good morals and good values.’ The camera man: ‘Bitch you trippin’
  14. Tracey assures Telv that Dean has repented for his sins, all eleventeen of them, through her rigorous homemade redemption program titled, ‘How To Lose The Respect Of An Entire Nation In 10 Days’.
  15. Meanwhile, back at Grill’d, Dean has popped a blood vessel in his eye from yelling ‘NO RUGRETTS’ too many times.
  16. Charlene has pulled out her Nintendo DS and is now showing Dean a clip from BOYS NIGHT where he declares that ‘Carly has the hots for what’s in HIS box with the dots’.
  17. Dean denies ever seeing the timeless Dominos television advertisement, let alone using its catch phrase to imply Carly has been doing squat thrusts in his cucumber patch.
  18. But even if he did, it’s ok because IT WAS BOYS NIGHT AND BOYS WILL BE BOYS.
  19. Meanwhile, Troy has ripped his shirt off and is gyrating on Mel’s lap while she wipes cucumber sandwiches on his chest and dribbles English breakfast tea down her face.
  20. John’s advice to Ash is about as tasteful as his ‘famous’ lettuce rolls.
  21. Sarah’s harrowing back story could bag her this season on The Voice.
  22. And we’re back at Grill’d where Dean is now accusing Charlene of being inappropriate towards him, because if you can’t beat ‘em, baffle ‘em with nonsensical accusations.
  23. Back at the Love Hotel, Charlene and Patrick are debriefing about their ‘Shmife Schmwap’ experiences over a couple of cans of Fanta and some Chiko rolls.
  24. Charlene is really concerned with the lack of passion in their relationship but would rather set fire to her hair than touch Patrick’s bare skin.
  25. Meanwhile, Telv’s picking up a ritzy pair of nipple tassels for Sarah from Nympho Trish’s sex shop.
  26. For Patrick’s extra special romantic date, he’s going to take Charlene down the yellow brick road to collect a friggin’ heart.  
  27. And then lock her in a glass case of emotion and force her to read out Kelly Clarkson lyrics.
  28. Telv looks like he dragged a dead pigeon in through the cat flap as Sarah unwraps her new nipple tassels.
  29. Over at the Circus of No Feelings, Patrick’s sweating bullets that he’s about to plummet to his death from the trapeze wire before finding out the ending of the latest Nicholas Sparks novel.
  30. Down below, Charlene is using symbolic metaphors about ‘heights’ and ‘fears’ to explain that Patrick is a seven-year-old Labradoodle trapped in a man’s body.
  31. Over on Total Drama Island, Sarah reveals that she got an ordained minister to marry her and Telv while he was sleeping last night.
  32. Sarah then announces she’s pregnant with octuplets (thanks to the shower curtain) and deep in a psychology cult that demands Telv give all his cash and land titles to John Travolta.
  33. Meanwhile, Patrick and Charlene argue about who’s eaten more dim sims.
  34. And Nympho Trish hides behind a shower curtain, filming Saran and Telv in the bath on her home camcorder.
  35. Thank f*ck there’s only a week left of this sh*t.

Relive all the MAFS drama right here.

Image credit: Married at First Sight

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