42 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

There is only one reason the entire country is still watching this steaming pile of raw mince instead of packing their kids’ lunches, and that’s to see Nympho Trish play all of Dean’s wrongdoings on a flat screen plasma in front of him while he vehemently denies every second of it, and Tracey sobs into her hot pink ‘urban’ Nike high tops. 

Let’s get this shitshow on the road. Here are 42 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

1. After being locked up in an Ibis Budget motel near Sydney airport for the last eight weeks, the couples are eager to sleep on something that isn’t a reclining deckchair.
2. Charlene’s packing up her things and getting ready to ghost the hell out of Patrick who’s quietly sobbing while trying to picture her naked, but in a respectful way.
3. Tracy and Dean are already divvying up their assets ready for the inevitable divorce when Dean one day leaves her for a tall glass of Nesquik and a good looking piece of homebrand fruit toast.
4. Meanwhile, in the spirit of love, he announces that he’s turned over a new leaf and will now actively respect one in twelve women whose dominant hand is left and whose star sign is on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius.
5. Tracey is moved to tears by his transformation.
6. Charlene admits she couldn’t really give two shits about Patrick, although she is relieved he doesn’t condone human trafficking—a common deal breaker for the modern gal.
7. Back at Dean’s Den of Douchebaggery, our man has sweated through three t-shirts and a turtleneck.
8. Meanwhile, Tracey’s talking quietly to her autographed photo of Oprah.
9. And gushing about how much she loves the fact that Dean is a risk taker and will never get bored of him treating her like an unwanted Priceline Pharmacy catalogue.
10. For a refreshing change, she then decides to seek advice from people trapped by the glass ceiling and not a glass picture frame.
11. To which her biological mum delivers better relationship in eight seconds than the Love Experts have in eight weeks.
12. Meanwhile, Tracey’s adoptive mother has become mute in the last fortnight.
13. Charlene’s sister cracks open a bottle of Chandon to celebrate her mother also having lost the ability to speak.
14. And the rest of them rip into Charlene for cry-shaming Patrick on national telly.
15. Charlene’s family then suggest he could be a completely different person outside of the experiment, which has given her a small glimmer of hope that he’s not a complete shitbag.
16. Meanwhile, Ruby feels it in her loins/abdomen/womb/waters that her son and Charlene aren’t good for each other.
17. She has thus decided not to sign Patrick’s permission slip to continue on with this experiment.
18. She’s instead going to stick a horse tranquiliser in his neck and lock him in the rumpus room.
19. There’s then a ten-minute split screen of the two of then typing sadly on their computers and submitting questions to Dolly Doctor online about their withering libido.
20. Mel: We paired Tracey and Dean based on the fact that Dean wanted to retain traditional gender roles in a relationship and Tracey wanted to be mindf*cked daily, nightly and ever so rightly by a manipulative lady killer (probably literally).
21. They then play flashbacks of the homestay rap battle because HAVEN’T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH.
22. The camera then zooms in on Dean’s sweaty pits again.
23. And Tracey reads the first chapter of the Oprah-endorsed self-help book, The Secret, to fill in some time while Dean combs whale fat through his deceptive locks.
24. Meanwhile, Patrick has a fight with an ironing board.
25. And Charlene gets her hair and makeup done in a dingy motel room across town by a woman with one leg and hooves for hands.
26. Patrick then walks barefoot across a beach because apparently the ironing board won and stole his shoes.
27. He’s halfway through pouring his heart out to Charlene when she calls him out for crying and then makes him do a Beep Test.
28. After he catches his breath and vomits into a nearby rockpool, Patrick begins sobbing uncontrollably while talking about his dead dad, and Charlene quickly crosses something out on her cue card.
29. In a shocking turn of events, Charlene got an extra week of annual leave approved by upper management (!!) and has decided to pursue their relationship outside of The Experiment on the condition that Patrick get his tear ducts tied in Thailand.
30. Charlene: ‘Patrick, grow a set of balls you pussy. K byeeeee. C u in Melbs lol.’ Patrick: ‘OMG I love you, u will not regret this. Add me on Find My Friends.’
31. Before we even have time to choke on a Lindt Ball, we’re then forced to stomach ten minutes of Tracey and Dean’s inner monologues while we watch them get dressed, which is like dragging yourself to Noodle Box while you’re still feeling the burn of a thousand Ruskis and watching them f*ck up your order right in front of you.
32. If Dean raps his vows I’m quitting everything. This show, this job, this life—all of it.
33. Thankfully, Dean then spells out what sounds like a Grade 2 home reader before then breaking into tears, which goes against all of his favourite gender norms.
34. After dropping the L-bomb at the end of his vows (lifetime of compulsory servitude), Tracey follows with a heartfelt speech about how she lost her virginity to Dean, which comes as a real shocker to her daughter, Trustisearned-Maree.
35. Out of nowhere, she then brings up a PowerPoint slideshow of all the times he betrayed her, complete with ClipArt animations and a timeline of ‘complete deception and betrayal’.
36. Just as society is about to collectively wind back women’s rights by a good three decades, Tracey takes a deep breath and says, ‘unfortunately, Dickhead Deano/Visionz/Skateboard Steve, I-’ before it cuts to an ad break.
37. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE KATHMANDU AUTUMN SALE, I WANT TO SEE IF TRACEY’S COME TO HER FLAMING SENSES!!
38. It’s pretty cool that the Ryobi One+ 18V battery can power so many tools though.
39.  AND BY JESUS SHE’S BLOODY DONE IT.
40. Australia is god damn friggin’ bloody speechless.
41. In the biggest blindside since John wasn’t a polynesian, Tracey knees Dean in goolies, tells him he’s a no-good rotten heart-stomping ginger, throws her white diamante-studded snapback in his face, gets into her pimped up hover car and flies away like a goddamn feminist warrior.
42. If there’s one self-help book I buy this year, it’s ‘How I Overcame My TV Addiction & Reclaimed My Life’ by Michael D. Pollock. However, if I read a second, it’s for sure ‘Don’t Mess With The Goddess’ by Tracey Jewel. That bitch’s words are my bible.

Image credit: Married at First Sight