5 New Year’s Resolutions Destined to Fail

By Sophia Fukunishi
31st Dec 2013

New Year's Resolutions. We all make them. But why do we all break them? More than likely, it's because it's easier than keeping them. What begins with good intentions after a festive period filled with excess ends when the gleaming New Year shine begins to fade and the accompanying hangover has barely dulled.

And I'm no different. I have a list of things I'd like to change up for 2014. Will I? Hardly. So I'd like to share my top five resolutions that are doomed to fail. Dooooooooooomed.

The Gym Membership. Or...You can look like all those other selfies for just $40 a month!

I joined a gym once. It's true. But to be fair, I joined in June while I was ducking in to Woollies. Not because they threw in an extra few months or a complimentary branded water bottle, but mainly because the sales girl was cute. All of which is stupid. Because the only thing you'll have to show for your "commitment" at the end of the year is that water bottle and $40 a month less to spend on clothes for your expanding waistline.

Drink Less Coffee. Or... Why not try a chai?

Yeah, right. I'm never going to be able to keep this resolution. Partly because I live in Melbourne and it's in our caffeinated blood. And partly because I know when my body stops functioning, a freshly brewed coffee jacks up my heart and my brain. Sticking your finger in a power socket would probably have a similar effect, but wouldn't someone miss you?

Fad Diets. Or...Paleo-Schmaleo.

After a month-long Christmas binge, the guilt receptors convince us that we must stop. Our gut and liver moan in unison for relief. We promise these internal organs of necessity immediate help. We shall eat smarter and we shall eat healthier. We will swap the peanut butter cup for a lettuce cup.

Then, a genius chef creates the freshly dipped maple bacon donut and it's game over.

Get Off The Phone. Or...Do you really need to know what James Franco is doing right this second?

Most of us have a mobile. I'm one of them. I text, I snap and even Google map. But am I looking at it too much? Definitely. It's an addiction like gambling or reality television and there's probably a dictionary term or psychiatric condition for it. Now would be a perfect time to go to my phone and look it up, but I've been calling it Gold Fishing. We press the home button to find no new texts or emails or likes. Disappointed, we put the phone down. And three seconds later, we check again. Still nothing. 1...2...3...

Start A Blog. Or...My life's totally awesome, how's yours?

A blog is essentially a diary. A diary that's left on your desk and open on your last entry. I recently came across an old diary of mine and though it may hold special significance to me, it's beyond boring to others. Why would anyone else care about what I am doing with my life at any given moment? But somehow blogging has become a prolific pastime. It's a way to be way popular by being way ordinary. And while you may initially write often and with vigour, do you want to find yourself in March writing under the heading "How I lost my blogging mojo?"

So, if you're looking for an alternative to failure why not try something different. Look back on the past year and recall the things you enjoyed and just do more of them.

TUL Note: Jordan Ciuro is busy right now. The Melbourne-based creative is up to his armpits designing, writing, Instagramming and making sure all the tracks in his iTunes library have the appropriate album art. It's a good thing he enjoys coffee.

Image Credits: Green Smoothie Detox Pops from Top with Cinnamon and the Hilton sisters from Geeksugar/Getty Images

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