50 Thoughts We All Have About Christmas

By Catherine Blake
22nd Dec 2017


Let me start by congratulating Christmas on the most successful advertising campaign of all time. Inducing an entire nation to eat fruitcake and sing songs about snow while in the grip of summer has got to be the most effective use of dupery in the history of hoodwinking—so well done Saint Nick. 

In reality, December 25 feels more like a crucible of family tension to a soundtrack of ‘When are you going to get married?’ than the fanciful day of fun and laughter that the advent calendar promised. AND YET, every year we get wooed back by jingling bells, Mariah Carey, and the peppery scent of gingerbread.

We can’t figure out how we feel about this holiday, and the confusion and tumult is never more evident than in all the thoughts we have about Christmas every single year. No, we never learn...

  1. This year I’m going to be so organised.
  2. I might even host Christmas lunch, how hard can it be?
  3. Maybe I’ll make my own glacé cherries…
  4. …and succulent wreath.
  5. …and diorama of the Twelve Days of Christmas.
  6. Martha Stewart ain’t got nothing on this shit.
  7. December 4, just 21 more sleeps until the best Christmas ever.
  8. Silent Night is my JAM.
  9. I wish all music was Christmas music.
  10. Is it too early to watch Love Actually?
  11. Cinnamon truly is the king of spices.
  12. Would it be weird for me to crash the local school’s nativity play?
  13. December 9, just 16 sleeps until happy happy good times.
  14. You’re meant to make a succulent wreath how many months in advance?
  15. Damn, next-door’s light show is mint.
  16. Siri, can you get high on peace and goodwill to all?
  17. Bloody hell it’s hot today.
  18. Why do I even bother buying new baubles when the cat’s just gonna break them all anyway.
  19. Whoever’s making tinsel is seriously flush.
  20. December 18, just one week until the entire extended family come over.
  21. I’m gonna need more plates.
  22. …and napkins.
  23. …and chairs.
  24. Wow, I’m so unprepared.
  25. Is it too early to re-watch Love Actually?
  26. How is there only one free car space in this entire complex?
  27. Why did everyone else leave their Christmas shopping until the last minute? This is an affront.
  28. You know, carols really start to sound the same after the seventh solid hour.
  29. I really hope the air-con doesn’t bust because I spent all my money on a luxe table runner and can’t afford a technician.
  30. Is it Christmas Eve already? I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready…
  31. Snapchat says it’s 38 degrees but I know for a fact that it’s at least 46 out there.
  32. Uncooked turkey looks funky as hell.
  33. How is all this stuffing is going to fit up there…
  34. Damn, this feels unnatural.
  35. Nigella makes this look so easy.
  36. I’ve made a huge mistake.
  37. It’ll all be worth it for the leftovers.
  38. Why isn’t anyone here yet? I said midday, not midday-ish.
  39. Godammit, why does everyone always arrive at once?
  40. Man, I hope someone gets me the thing I actually want this year instead of another goddamn candle.
  41. No you guys sit down and enjoy yourselves, I’ll just slave away in a boiling hot kitchen and try not to burn everything shall I?
  42. I need a drink.
  43. Every dish I own is covered in gravy.
  44. You bastards better help me clean up when this is over.
  45. I wonder if I can time my nap so that I wake up in time for the Queen’s holiday message?
  46. Dammit, I burnt the potatoes.
  47. Is this the same cranberry sauce from last year? Man, this stuff never goes off.
  48. Oog, I really shouldn’t have had that fourth helping.
  50. There really is nothing more important than family.

Thrown in the Cristmas towel already? This boozy buscuit recipe will have you happy as Larry in no time.

Image credit: Scrooged

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