69 Thoughts We Had During The Bachelor Finale

By Millie Lester
15th Sep 2017


After eight weeks of watching Matty road test eleven different sports cars, the moment we found out which womb he’s going to grow Wet Blanket Jr in finally arrived. Over the last two months, we saw no less than twenty pairs of ovaries love and leave the mansion, until only Tall Georgia Love and Phil’s Daughter remained. Countless girls were ‘walked over’, half a dozen were thrown from planes and a couple even forgot what show they were on. But one womb reigned supreme (the wrong one).

Here are 69 thoughts we had during The Bachelor finale.

  1. F*ck this it should have been Tara, I’m going to bed.
  2. But if Elise is in this episode then maybe Phil will be too…
  3. Whatever, I’ll just watch until the first ad break and then switch to David Attenborough’s - Life In Cold Blood.
  4. Which Asian country did they snatch up Jetstar sale fares to this time?
  5. Osh Kosh B’gosh! Now there’s a nice man. He looks well. Thailand suits you, Osh.
  6. (Can I call you that, or is only Matty allowed to do that?)
  7. The 2017 Bachelor Drinking Game: chugalug every time you see a mode of transport.
  8. Boat. DRINK.
  9. Helicopter. DRINK.
  10. Ohmagod Laura is so sunburnt. Thailand does not suit you, Laura.
  11. Matty J’s voice makes me want to kick a seagull.
  12. It’s like he’s reading quotes off Libra tampon boxes.
  13. I love it when he counts his girlfriends. What a time to be alive.
  15. Plot twist: Elise DOESN’T like the outdoors.
  16. Laura’s desk chair is clearly an Ab Circle Pro.
  17. I wonder what airline they’re flying with.
  18. Are they flying Matty alone to Thailand in an empty passenger Airbus A20?
  19. Ok, Matty, you could have shared some of your good looks with your brothers. Maybe toss them an ab or something.
  20. Matty is understandably furious that his heavily pregnant sister couldn’t join him and the fam. What a selfish mol.
  21. Hopefully, they have good weather in Thailand, we don’t want Matty getting mad at Elise about that again.
  22. It honestly feels like Matty and his family are just reading the parts of a Shakespearean play they’re studying in year 10 humanities, and not even doing a good job of it. Tom’s inflection is all over the shop.
  23. Matty is talking about the girls like they’re a couple of Pringles tubes in the supermarket and he doesn’t know which flavour he feels like atm.
  24. Matty is overselling Elise because the producers CBF changing the format of the final ep. #RIPelise
  25. She LOVES the outdoors. Faaaark oooorrrrfff Matty. YOU love the outdoors. YOU’RE an outdoors.
  26. Adam looks pissed that they’re having fruit for breakfast.
  27. Raise your glass if you want to punch Matty in the throat for pashing Elise on the same day he’s probably going to drop her for Tall Georgia Love.
  28. Shit they’re all laughing. Matty hates laughing.
  29. Mrs J just offered Elise her other three sons. Matty’s fetish for dozens of girlfriends makes sense now.
  30. Can we please get some clarification vis-a-vis what Matty/Matt’s name is?
  31. What a lovely time to play an ad about depriving people of their right to marry. Such a healthy debate.
  32. I’m so sick of Laura laughing for no reason. Pull yourself together, Laura.
  33. Bras have clearly been banned this season. Definitely not for progressive feminist reasons.
  34. Nobody has hobbies, what a vicious question to ask, Mrs J.
  35. Elise LOVES the outdoors. The Outdoors have such a good PR team.
  36. It’s like the producers have told Matty’s family that Elise cured cancer and Laura killed a foster family of twelve.
  37. Ok, Laura is an emotional roller coaster this ep. It’s defs her time of the month, no one can love Wet Blanket Man that much.
  38. I’m a woman, I can say that.
  39. Matty’s family hate Laura but Matty doesn’t give a farrrk because she’s already pregnant with triplets. So is Lisa though so no biggie there.
  40. Boat. DRINK.
  41. DOUBLE BOAT. Smash your glass on the coffee table and kiss the 22 closest people.
  42. Ketut looks so uncomfortable with strangers touching his elephant.
  43. Thai gondola. DRINK.
  44. Laura is defs the one Matty chooses because it’s pouring with rain RN and Matty isn’t yelling at her.
  45. It’s fitting that Absgalore is wearing a wedding dress to Elise’s funeral.
  46. Matty could be reading off the back of a car battery for all the attention I’m giving his voiceovers.
  47. He must be sweating up a storm in that suit though.
  48. Osh does a good job of not fly kicking Matty in the kidney when he talks to him.
  49. Are they on a golf course? Matty’s sure going to put a hole in one womb’s heart.
  50. Who’s arriving on the boat???
  52. A hope Ketut gets paid well for his role of ‘slave’.
  53. Elise knows it’s not her, Osher knows it’s not her, we know it’s not her. Matty knows she’s in day 16 of her cycle.
  54. That was the most patronising pity hug. Punch him in the abs, Elise. Expose his sweat patches on national TV.
  55. Matty can’t understand why she’s crying. She’s in the outdoors!!
  56. Phil’s going to be so mad at you, Matty. You were like a messed up sociopath son to him.
  57. Just let go of his sweaty hands and walk away, Elise. You’re better than this womanising shlep. You’re a Hockey Roo.
  58. Elise crying on the steps is every girl who thought Maccas would be open after 10pm on a Thursday and is sobbing in her Uber.
  59. Laura is now approaching on her Thai speedboat.
  60. Probably laughing hysterically because she saw a tree.
  61. The only reason she won this bloody show is because she wouldn’t know a joke if it kicked her in the crotch.
  62. If Matty found out he was sterile, he would definitely lose his will to live.
  63. Watching this show has probably made me barren.
  64. I can’t believe Laura thinks she’s lost. She’s the only one who didn’t tell Matty to f*ck off when he asked to see her serious side.
  65. Matty’s giving her a ring but Laura has no empty fingers to put it on because she’s currently wearing every single item in her jewelry range.
  66. Do they measure everyone’s ring fingers at the beginning of the season? Or after the first round of IVF?
  67. I wish Jen had stuck around to do a live commentary of every episode. That’d breathe some life into this shit show.
  68. I can feel my brain cells oozing out of my eyeballs.
  69. I’m so ready for Sophie Monk to get drunk and fall in the pool next week.

For everything that happened this season, and to keep on top of Sophie Monk's quest, head here.

Image credit: Tenplay

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