30 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Bachelor In Paradise

Welcome to another week of D-List-Australian-Social-Media-Influencers-Getting-Sunburnt In Bali, where the mimosas are fresh, the melanomas are growing and the chlorine is giving everyone dry hair and split personalities.

Here are 30 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.

1. The episode opens with Keira and Uncle Sam playing Uno on a deck chair and swapping keratin-rich hair mask recommendations.
2. Meanwhile, the girl gang in the Balinese rotunda are sipping mango nectar and spitting chips that they’re up for elimination at the impending tribal council.
3. Tara feels pretty confident about her place in the competition as she and Michael have made eye contact on two separate occasions in the past week.
4. AND shared a glass of sparkling water.
5. Out of nowhere, Mack Mini pulls an envelope out of his budgie smugglers and announces that Keira has secured the single date.
6. Keira’s bloody stoked that she’s won this week’s reward challenge and turns down a letter from home, instead choosing to invite Michael on a romantic beachfront date because she was so impressed with his Strip Poker playing prowess earlier that day
7. Tara and Uncle Sam then argue for half an hour about who gives less of a shit that they’ve been kicked to the curb by the island clowns.
8. Meanwhile Flo’s pissed that Jake’s stopped sending her unsolicited d*ck pics.
9. Over on the beach, Michael’s excited about his first date with Tara but can’t shake the feeling that something’s different about her today...
10. Back at the Drama Cabana, excitement and sex pheromones are in the air as the Love Gate swings open and our favourite skin suit wearing grape stomper schleps in, double parked with a couple of jade plants.
11. The entire tribe simultaneously chokes on their mimosas, while the girls quickly braid their hair into cornrows for fear Jarrod might cut it off and wear it as a scarf.
12. Jarrod’s sporting a tight pair of Cotton On boardies and a few chin hairs, and announces that he’s back and ‘more funner and hairier’ than ever.
13. To the edge of the shot, Uncle Sam and Tara are already arguing about who’s going to give him their Immunity Idol.
14. Meanwhile, Jarrod announces that his strategy to find love is to distance himself from his family winery, which is literally his only redeeming quality.
15. Over in the infinity pool, Flo’s warning everyone to keep an eye on their bikini bottoms or they’ll find them sewn into Jarrod’s rash vest.
16. The Love Gate rattles open again and in walks someone apparently hotter than Flo, so she punches a wall and throws her mimosa in the pool.
17. Ali’s sporting a fresh fake tan, a new Lucy In The Sky romper and a renewed desire to quit her job in order to find love on a reality TV show where the contestants aren’t even sure what show they’re on.
18. Jake’s still walking around cocking his leg on anything with a heartbeat.
19. Meanwhile, Jarrod’s shopping for engagement rings while telling the boys he read in Women’s Weekly that Ali has the soul of an angel and the bum of J-Lo.
20. Off-set we’re introduced to the third intruder of the episode, born-again bisexual Megan Marx, who’s cut the waist out of a ball gown and repurposed it as hair extensions.
21. As a special Monday night bonus, we’re also treated to four seconds of Osher, who’s trying to cut down on screen time so he can move into a lower tax bracket.
22. Osh hands Megan a blank envelope and a Domino’s menu and asks her which Bachelor/Bachelorette she’d like to share a deep-pan meat supreme with.
23. She chooses Jake because apparently, she can’t go past a man who acts like a dog and kisses like a horse.
24. Back at the Cabana, Jarrod’s telling Ali he gets intimidated by girls who are ‘stupid or hot’ and then walks away leaving her to figure out which one she is.
25. Mack then swoops in to whisper sweet nothings in her ear because he’s had just about enough of Leah’s dulcet tones and ‘entrepreneurial’ stories about her ‘waitress business’.
26. Someone wakes Keira up from her drunken snooze on the sun lounge and she then runs up and Dirty Dancing lifts Jarrod, explaining to the camera that they met in the comments section of a Hungry Jacks Instagram post.
27. Meanwhile, Michael’s unsuccessfully trying to do some Men In Black shit to Tara’s memory because her and Uncle Sam have a modern day Rhonda and Ketut love story going on.
28. Back at Megan’s Dominos date, she and Jake are eye-sexing each other on the love seat while sharing a Choc Lava Cake and comparing six packs.
29. He then throws her over his shoulder, swings open the Love Gate and waltzes her down to the pool bar to buy her a Jagerbomb and a packet of salt & vinegar chips.
30. I’ve honestly seen more drama in an episode of Antiques Roadshow than this melting pot of hormones. If Flo doesn’t cut Sam’s man bun off and drown Ali in a jug of Malibu and coke in the next episode, this show’s going to drop below Highway Patrol in the ratings.

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Image credit: TenPlay