Previously on Getting White Girl Wasted On Warm Prosecco In A Solar Heated Lap Pool, the producers lobbed a fox into the hen house by throwing two ripped AF American hornbags into the mix causing Keira to go into heat and Jarrod to go into cardiac arrest.
With neither of the spunky yanks here to find love, the rest of this week promises to be a clusterfuck of drunken tearies, avoidable sunburn and wet snogs behind the Love Hut.
Here are 36 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode opens with Michael giving Luke a rub down, Keira karate chopping Daniel’s biceps and Jarrod trying to drown himself in the spa.
- Daniel asks Keira if she’s up for a root and she chokes on her orange juice and falls off the swing.
- All of a sudden the Love Gate swings open again and a Country Road menswear model schleps down the path in white canvas espadrilles.
- Jarrod’s absolutely blown a gasket and is yelling at them to go back to the ‘Love Shows’ they came from, before then threatening to drown them all.
- American Jarrod starts pulling aside ladies to ask their BMI and credit scores before deciding who he’s going to take on a date a.k.a a picnic rug next to an underwhelming body of water.
- Uncle Sam then yells across the playground to Grant that Ali’s waiting for him behind the art room.
- Leah spies them canoodling in the rockpools and is livid that everyone’s tripping over their Reject Shop leis to bump uglies with her.
- American Jarrod then skips over to Amazonian goddess, Megan, and asks her if she wants to get a Chiko roll with him down the shops.
- She says yeah nah ok you’re paying and I’m driving.
- A huge ass homemade wooden yacht pulls up at the jetty and Yanky Dan starts recreating scenes from Jurassic Park.
- Megan tells him she grew up in a cult and doesn’t know who Tom Hanks is.
- Back at the Love Hut, Nina pulls Ali and aside and confesses she doesn’t want to enter Eden’s garden.
- Jarrod then jumps out from behind and palm tree and asks Nina for a DnM that’s literally just a twenty-minute speech about the importance of tighter immigration policies and retaining Australia’s rich culture of monogamous skinny blonde chicks.
- Nina’s not listening because she thinks he’s a flaming galah, so Jarrod then steals Luke away for a cuddle and a cry in lieu of a female.
- Meanwhile, a producer jumps out from behind an agapanthus bush and tells Nina she’s going to die alone with eleven cats and a National Geographic subscription, causing her to break down on telly.
- Keira suddenly realises that Jarrod’s not all that and decides to break it to him in the diary room while he’s halfway through a rant about refusing to be anyone’s second choice.
- This is basically a day after he got dropped by Ali and went crawling back to Keira, begging to reignite their bonzo Instagram flame.
- Jarrod then insists he is a very busy, but cool and hairy, man with a lot of grapes to stomp and joins Nina for a teary in the sand dunes.
- Back at the Love Hut, Grant tells Ali that he’s rolled out a tarp on the lawn and invites her for a glass of Baileys and some Barbecue Shapes in private.
- Ali then straddles Grant, he slots a key in her chastity face mask and they share a very long pash while Leah lobs rocks at them from the beach.
- Because Jarrod and Keira are both demented AF, they’ve decided to give their relationship one last shot, even though Jarrod said thirty seconds ago that he’d rather amputate both of his legs than be her consolation prize.
- He then tricks her into kissing him by promising her shares in the winery.
- Leah’s heckin’ stressed that Grant’s not here for the right reasons, for the love of God, do not introduce her to any other male on this island.
- Meanwhile, the boys in the Love Rotunda are reassuring each other that though muscles can be built in the gym, it takes a lot of time effort to look as burnt as Jarrod does.
- Keira then reveals to Jarrod that she’s had her third epiphany of the week and it’s not looking good for him, so they decide to break it off again and split their plant assets amicably.
- AND IT’S F*CKING OSHER!!!!!!
- He lets everyone know that he’s having a piss up at his shack tonight and people WILL be sent home if they touch his limited edition Harry Potter hardcover set.
- Over at the bar, all the boys are stressing out because Wanky Dan is set to get a bloody bunch of roses from the Aussie sheilas.
- Uncle Sam gives Eden a pep talk about stepping up to the plate and ‘breaking it down’ until his favourite lady’s back on his arm.
- Eden then takes Daniel aside for a one-on-one to show him the proof of purchase for Nina and Yanky Dan spits vodka and Mountain Dew in his face and walks off to hump a palm tree.
- The first rose ceremony of the week finally kicks off and Wanky Dan makes some horrid comments on the voiceover before Osh explains for the eleventy-hundredth time that the fellas who don’t receive a rose hafta GTFO.
- Leah gives her rose to Michael because she needs someone to catch her when she falls off her paddleboard.
- Dark Horse Laurina chucks her flower at Yanky Jarrod and blows Yanky Dan’s slimefest wide open.
- This leaves Keira to string a few brain cells together and decide if she’d rather be objectified by an enormous naked bear for another week, or schooled on respect by a walking capsicum.
- Miraculously she makes the sensible choice, leaving Blake, Mack and Wanky Dan to pack their togs and hop on the next Jetstar flight outta there.
- Anyone who lets their young kids watch this show should be put down.
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Image credit: Tenplay