58 Thoughts We Had During The Bachelorette Finale

Somehow, through brutal karma or just dismal casting, Sophie has come out the other end of a flaw-riddled match-making competition with two absolute crumbs by her side. One wants to chain her to a superyacht, the other wants to wear her skin as a power blazer, both need a swift jab to the jugular. While six days of tv ads tells us that Sophie’s fallen head over heels in love, it’s clear that the only winner from this year’s season is the tourism industry of whatever subtropical Australasian island Jetstar was selling dirt-cheap flights to four months ago.

Here are 59 thoughts we had during The Bachelorette Finale.

1. FIRST OF ALL, HOW THE F*CK DID JARROD MAKE IT TO FINAL TWO.
2. I’d have been less shocked to see Olivia Benson reveal him as the Zodiac Killer during a whodunnit segment on Better Homes & Gardens.
3. He was supposed to slap a cameraman and make a wrist watch for Sophie out of his own leg hair more than two weeks ago.
4. Meanwhile, Stu’s only redeeming quality is the fact that’s he’s not Jarrod.
5. And that he has a yuge collection of denim bootleg jeans that Sophie could whittle into cute tote bags and sell at an indie craft market for a steal.
6. TBH, I’ve been more invested in in-flight magazine sudokus than I am in this season of The Bachelorette. Each and every one of the yobbos on this show was about as authentic as a pair of Fijian Raybans.
7. Sophie Monk has breathed some noice, different, unyoosual loife into this shitshow though, especially after Matty J shlepped through the mansion for eight weeks, spiking the Nutella with prenatal supplements.
8. Hand on my heart though—if Sophie has found love and not just a drive-time radio co-host she can check into the Melbourne Cup with on Instagram, then more power to her. I just can’t believe it’s one of these two gremlins.
9. I also can’t believe they’ve been recapping the same two red carpet scenes for the last ten minutes, I’ve basically memorised Jarrod’s head grape stomping routine.
10. When they film in the airport, do they close off the entire terminal so Sophie can stare at planes through the window, or do they just tell everyone at Muffin Break to GTFO for a jif?
11. Wait, I’ve found this season’s budget—it’s sitting on all four hundred of the empty seats in the Airbus A20 they’ve chartered for Sophie’s private four-hour flight to Fiji ON FIJI AIRWAYS.
12. Do the staff of FIJI AIRWAYS deliver cocktails to, and memorise the name of, every single passenger on their flights, or just exclusively former members of noughties girl band, Bardot?
13. The amount of beach-side, sarong-clad, reflective walking in this episode has already far outweighed the amount of time the show’s executives invested in ensuring none of this season’s contestants had prior assault convictions.
14. In an even more concerning revelation, Jarrod has burst at least 126 new blood vessels in his face since we last saw him.
15. But he doesn’t care because the man is in love. He’s found a woman he can finally take care of, who makes him laugh, and whose wrist size matches the exact handcuffs chained to his kitchen sink.
16. Honestly, Stu spends most of his time alternating between shouting ‘think of the children’ at Sophie and saying things like, “I’m the happiest I’ve been in two decades”, even though all of his children are under twenty.
17. He’s definitely run a quick Schwarzkopf brunette rinse through his scalp this morning.
18. Sophie describing Stu to her family is every seventeen year old trying to convince their parents that the 2015 BMW writeoff they found on Gumtree is better than the reliable 2004 Toyota Camry the neighbour wants to swap them for a slab of Coronas.
19. I’m not sure where Lucy read that Stu’s a player. He probably has a G&T and tingle at the pokies on a Tuesday arvo if he’s feeling wild, but apart from that, describing things he loves more than his own children is a full time job.
20. Jarrod’s actually so red, I’m like 60% sure his skin’s inside out.
21. Is he carrying roadkill?
22. Oh whoops no hang on it’s an ashtray of dead flowers (???).
23. Jarrod is schmoozing up a storm with Sophie’s family, he’s a thousand per cent assigning them metaphorical indoor plants individually in his head.
24. Jarrod’s remembered the dating advice he got from Dolly Doctor last week and has decided to make Sophie jealous again by holding her mum’s hand and stealing Sandy away ‘for a chat’.
25. PUT A LEASH ON JA BOI, SOPH, HE GOT ALL THE LADIES FLOCKIN’ (mainly just his mum and your mum).
26. You can tell Sophie’s dad wants to slap her round the chops and take her home away from all this bullsh*t, but Sandy promised him a foot massage and lasagne at home if he shuts his pie hole.
27. Banana Boat missed the biggest product placement opportunity of the year with Jarrod. He’s a sun safety canvas just waiting to be painted in sports strength zinc cream.
28. I feel like Jarrod’s the kind of guy who corrects people’s spelling on social media with spelling that’s substantially more incorrect.
29. He’s also the sort of person who’d pay hundreds of dollars for ‘advanced face prediction technology’ to tell him what his and Sophie’s babies would look like. Which is probably why phones are banned in the mansion.
30. Jarrod’s affection for Sophie is toeing a very fine line between passion and obsession atm.
31. He’s one ‘I would kill my mother for you’ away from being helicoptered right outta there in a straight jacket.
32. Meanwhile, Stu looks fresh out of a 2002 Just Jeans catalogue.
33. If I were one of Stu’s daughters, I’d be all up on Google searching ‘parental emancipation’ faster than you can say love fern.
34. Stu is putting on an absolute clinic pretending not to love his children. I’m fully convinced.
35. Also, whoever Stu’s actual best friend is must be spitting chips right now.
36. Somewhere in the country, a sad middle-aged man is sobbing into his Froot Loops because his friend of forty years just dropped him for some skinny broad he pashed in Fiji.
37. The producers have spent the entire episode trying to make the playing field look level between the two guys by doctoring all the footage where Jarrod asks Sophie’s family for locks of their hair, but you can tell Sophie’s itching to ditch the Vineyard Vulture.
38. I know Sophie has to pick one, but I’d honestly choose a can of cat food over either of these men.
39. Slow claps to Sophie’s hair and makeup team this season, it’s so nice to see someone’s hair done with commercial grade styling equipment and not fishing rods like in Georgia Love’s season.
40. I still can’t believe that from a batch of men that included James, Apollo, Luke and Mack, the two at the end were Jarrod and Stu. It’s like saving your favourite colour Crispy M&Ms until the end only to then discover they were Peanut M&Ms all along.
41. For the love of God, please let Jarrod walk off this first boat. I will stop eating kilos of grapes at the supermarket every week if you give me this, lil Baby Jesus.
42. Wait, who was wearing the blue suit?
43. THANK FAAAAAARRKK.
44. Get ready to cry me a Mississippi river, Jarrod, coz your hostage just got freeeeed.
45. And look at him, he has no idea. He’s already crocheted matching aprons for the two of them and bought them timeshares in a hobby farm just outside of Sydney.
46. Osher, I love you, but you literally do shit all. You can’t ‘make people fall in love for a living’ if all you do is deliver envelopes and announce the number of rose in a room at any given time.
47. Sophie’s crying because she’s going to break Jarrod’s UV ray-riddled heart.
48. And now Jarrod’s crying because he realised he should have bought her a Love Agapantha instead of a love fern. IDIOT.
49. It’s kind of cruel that he has to walk like six kilometres of beach before he’s out of Sophie’s view.
50. FFS walk a little bit faster Jarrod, I need to have a shower before bed.
51. “I’m never not going to be in love with Sophie. That will never change.” - You are never not going to have a restraining order against you, buddy. For the love of God, put a hat on.
52. It’s so fitting that Stu’s arriving on a boat about a year after Sophie was like, “so you’ve got an ocean liner? That don’t impress me much ah ah ahhhh”.
53. Honestly, who started this rumour about Stu having a sense of humour?
54. Unless six mansions and a $500 million fortune is Sophie’s idea of funny, Stu’s sense of humour is wetter than a wet blanket. It’s like a sleeping bag that fell in the ocean.
55. I’m willing to bet my entire HECS debt on the fact that Sophie and Stu were secretly dating for a couple of months before the show started.
56. I’m also reasonably confident that Stu’s daughters will turn out to be four shetland ponies that sleep on bunk beds in his garage.
57. Until next year’s Bachelor/ette season, stick a fork in me because I am done.
58. Wait, hold the fern, when does Bachelor in Paradise Australia start?

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Image credit: Tenplay