Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell
2nd Apr 2018


Well, we survived Easter. Now the big question: how many hot cross buns is too many? The stars can’t help you put down that giant Cadbury egg, but they CAN help you sort out your cosmic sh*t.

Buckle up. Here’s what you’re *really* in for this week.


You’re restless Aries. Everyone’s feeling it. Must be something to do with the fact you’ve been coasting for the last three months. If you don’t blow your next pay cheque on a one-way ticket to Rio, you’re not doing it right.


You have a feeling that you left the stove on. Or was it the iron? Something is burning somewhere and there’s nothing you can do about it. Snap out of yourself, Taurus. Live in the now and eat some cookies.


There’s a mysterious stranger on the horizon, Gems. It could be the Unicorn Tinder Date (good looking, actually nice, doesn’t live with parents). Too soon to tell at this point. Keep an eye out for handsome billionaires.


Your boss is going to LOVE you this week. Now’s the time to ask for that promotion, take multiple sick days or steal toilet paper from the bathrooms when no-one’s looking #economize. You are the office GOD.


You know how people are always saying ‘Try new things?’ Yeah, that doesn’t apply to Leos this week. You are destined to fail miserably at everything you do. Best bet—lock yourself indoors with a bit tub of Häagen-Dazs and wait out the cosmic storm.


It’s the star sign everyone wants to hear: Virgo, you’ve got a secret admirer. Start checking your life for clues: flirty email sign-offs, mysterious roses, sensual office back-rubs (sometimes the clues are subtle).


Your scales are off this week, Libs. Literally. Those bathroom scales can’t actually be correct—you’ve avoided those Cadbury Black Forest blocks (on sale FFS) like a bloody champion. And that time you went to F45 a few weeks ago you sweated like a rhinoceros. Yes, it’s the scales that are wrong...


Come on, Scorps, give poor old Mum a call. She just wants to hear from you every now and again. Better yet, go buy her some choccies and Season 2 of Scott & Bailey and pop over for a chinwag. You’ll make her day.


Now we’re not saying you should buy a lottery ticket, Sagittarius, but luck is definitely on your side this week. About bloody time, right? Imagine you’re just sculled a pint of Felix Felicis. Might be a good time to ask out that ‘certain someone’.


The Easter binge was very real this year, Caps. You probably didn’t need to join in the egg-hunt with the kids...little Suzie is still crying. Still, the damage is done. All you can do this week is hit the treadmill (and remove all hot cross buns from the house).


The universe has one word for you this week, Aquarius: road trip. Grab three packs of Doritos, some snaked for the car, and a couple of mates who enjoy Doritos and snakes, then hit the open road. Try to resist the temptation to Insta every second. Just start working on a killer Spotify playlist.


People are gonna look to your lead this week, Pisces. That means you actually have to step up and take control (or at least delegate like a freaking champion). If anyone asks, just tell them you move in mysterious ways.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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