Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Gen Phelan
9th Apr 2018


The best thing about our horoscopes is their 100% legitimacy. In fact, we’re now deploying TUL writers to observatories in mountainous regions strictly for stargazing purpose (budgets? what budgets?). And when we’re not eating at a new café, you bet we’re hitting the books to refine our astrological prowess. 

Here’s what the stars have in store for you this week….


You’ve got a decision to make, Aquarians. Actually, many decisions. It seems like life is demanding definitive answers from you right now. Try not to Britney 2008 it—instead, pull a Miranda Hobbes and devise a pros and cons list for those big choices burning on your mind.


You may be doubting your romantic abilities at the mo’, Pisces. But have you not religiously tuned into every episode of Bach In Paradise so far? Look at that carnage. Sure, it’s been a bit of a rough patch lately, but at least you’re not trapped on Fijian terrain with a dozen D-grade celebrities vying for garden-variety roses and F-grade dates. Things are gonna start looking up.


Maybe it’s time for an Autumnal escape. You’ve been jam-packing your social calendar with so many Sunday sessions that you aren’t sure what’s making you more wired: the espresso martinis or the double shot espressos. Get a playlist together and take yourself off for a weekend of fresh air and 0 commitments.


Try and remix your schedule this week, Taurus. You’ve been falling into the same patterns. Yawn. We’re ordering a full Triple J Like A Version on your agenda. Throw in a hot yoga class here, some laser skirmish there, maybe even arrange to jump out of a hecking plane. The sky is indeed the limit.


Sure, people are great. We have to coexist with other humans, and for the most part it’s lots of fun. This week, however, space is the operative word. The stars are giving you a free pass for having some solo time. Think bath salts, share packs of snacks that you won’t actually share, and endless hours of dog petting. Take it eaaasy.


Nobody likes a whinger. When your voice rises above a certain number of octaves because your shoe has been killing you for the past hour, people begin to internally grrrrr. We get it, Crabs, you’re feeling fragile this week. We’re just urging you to insert a little perspective before turning into a fully-fledged drama queen/king.


You’re attracting an awful lot of attention right now, you maned beasts. Whether on the prowl for a new job opportunity, a Simba to your Nala, or some recognition for all your hard work of late, get ready to bask in a wave of glory this week. All eyes are on you.


Bid those emotional reservations farewell, Virgz. Shout whatever you’ve been feeling lately from the proverbial rooftops. Or maybe even the real ones if you’re out in Melbourne on a Friday night with enough Cosmos under your belt. Whatever it is you’ve been bottling up lately, it’s time to unleash.


Your words are razor sharp atm, Librans. We all know how quippy you can get, but this time ‘round, take a deep breath before spouting your wisdom. If you’re not careful, your constructive criticism may come across about as constructive as Simon Cowell heckling a tone-deaf 10-year-old on America’s Got Talent.


When was the last time you turned down a bar crawl with your workmates for a Friday night in with the fam? The good old-fashioned kind, with copious amounts of chippies, telly and some dusty board games. Crack out Monopoly, brace yourself for an inevitable table flip and get the gang back together for some quality time. You'll never regret it.


You’ve taken about 25 legitimate sick days this year already, Sags. It’s getting dangerously suss and you have no right whatsoever to chuck a sicky after your next weekender bender gone awry. Damn. This calls for a serious cleanse. Start religiously lacing your h20 with lemon, get on that treadmill and pump up the veggies like you’re forging a primary school food-triangle-food-diary homework task.


Don’t sweat the small stuff this week, Capricorn. After all, worrying is a waste of emotion. Duh, you’re Mum told you that about 31249824 times during Year 12 schoolies drahmz. Think about how relevant your current pickle will be in 10 minutes. Then 10 days. Then 10 weeks. Then 10 months. Yeah, we didn’t think so.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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