Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell
16th Apr 2018


Is it worth getting out of bed this week? Let’s just say the universe gives with one hand, and groin punches with the other. Your future is a like a mixed lolly bag, but not one of the ones with a disproportionately high number of strawberries and cream. It’s all Black Cats and teeth this week, and maybe the occasional pineapple (we’re really stretching the lolly bag metaphor here).

Strap yourself in. Here’s what you’re really in for this week.


This is it Aries. This is the week you finally go veggo. Just avoid the smell of bacon and plan some Maccas-free routes home from work. You can do this – think of tiny baby pigs wearing kitted hats and you’ll be fine.


You’re gonna have to work extra hard to meet those deadlines this week. Distractions lurk around every Netflix corner. Lock yourself in your room, hide your WIFI router and get that sh*t done. Your reward is 30 minutes of Geordie Shore s3.


Cool your jets, Gems. You’re coming on a little strong. The first text was fine, but what about the other 17? And then that picture of your cat doing the thing in the place? Be the hook, not the fish.


Your nemesis will re-emerge this week, Crabs, and they’re gunning for you. It might be a disgruntled coworker, it might be an ex in disguise, it might be a criminal mastermind. Prepare for battle.


What happened to energy? We swear we had some once upon a time. Now we’re doing well to be wearing pants by 11am. Better switch up your routine, Leos – the cops could chalk an outline of your ass on the couch.


Virgos, this is the week of paying it forward. Tell a coworker they look smoking. Pick up some trash. Hold the door. Be a little ray of Virgonian sunshine. The universe will reward you with sweet sweet karma, and maybe a cookie.


We’re not gonna sugarcoat it Libra. The universe is out to get you this week. Watch out for stray dogs, falling air conditioners, Nigerian money laundering scams and undercooked chicken. Might be worth laying low for a few days...


A secret crush reveals itself. Jokes—what it really is, see, is you thought you read some signals, but they really weren’t signals, and now you’ve got this awkward thing going at work. Our advice? Don’t read too much into things.


Sometimes the universe is really specific. Sag’s, on Wednesday you should avoid people in blue hats. Or is it orange coats...Just avoid people full stop.


You’ve been a good little Capricorn, squirrelling away those nuts for winter, but now it’s time to blow the savings on a new toy. Car? TV? Concert tickets? Spend like a drunken sailor.


People are going to follow your lead this week, Aquarius. You’re like that villain from Jessica Jones—whatever you say, goes. Just remember to use your powers for good, not evil.


Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. This too shall pass, Pisces. In the meantime, create a voodoo doll of your boss and go to work with some pins. That’ll teach ‘em.

Did you hear? Gorman's new doggy raincoat collection is back for 2018. Woof. 

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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