Heads up, guys. Just because winter is coming to an end doesn’t mean we won’t be dishing up some cold hard truths. Deep breaths. Here’s what you’re in for this week.
Aquarius
Well, Aquarius. Looks like Cupid has hit you good. You are loved-the-fu*k-up. Just be careful this week that all your lovey-dovey nonsense doesn’t get in the way with your other close relationships. No bailing on mates. Say it with us...
Pisces
If you can’t say anything nice Pisces, keep your mouth shut. Seriously, the sass being thrown around by you lately has got to stop. This week we suggest hanging up your dancing shoes and not hitting the booze too hard. Do some yoga, pump them happy tunes and stay away from the tequila.
Aries
You’ve been looking a little down in the dumps lately, Aries. We can’t quite put our finger on why, but we’re assuming it’s because you’ve worn the same outfit every day for the past week (it smells btw). Well, lucky for you, nothing cures woes like a bit of retail therapy. Especially when everything’s on sale. It’s all looking up from here.
Taurus
Everything happens for a reason, Taurus. If you’re feeling a little tense about a situation or you’re worried that something may not work out, keep the chin up. Something better is right around the corner. This week, we just want you to breeeeathe.
Gemini
Damn, Gem, back at it again with the terrible personal hygiene. There’s a green fog trailing behind you wherever you go, and we’re here to tell you that your co-workers have noticed. Throw yourself into a hot AF bubble bath this week and scrub away that BO. We’re begging you.
Cancer
It’s time to start putting yourself first, Cancer. It’s lovely that you like to take care of everyone around you, but it’s starting to wear you down. Don’t be afraid to tell everyone to eff off this week and look after yourself. You’ll feel better for it.
Leo
You’ve been killing the game lately, Leo. Snaps for you. Just be careful you don’t let all this success go to your head. The more you throw your achievements in people’s faces, the more they’ll start to turn away. Take a word from our good mate Kendrick Lamar and sit down (b*tch), be humble.
Virgo
Stop drooling over the bachelor and start focussing on your own love life, Virgo. You’re never going to find the one if you keep scrolling through the Honey Badger's Instagram and wishing it was you living in the batch pad. Back to real life, please.
Libra
We think it’s time for an adventure, Libra. You’ve been a bit of a homebody lately (nothing wrong with that) but there’s a whole bloody world out there and you’re missing it. Pack your bags and go on a road trip, throw on your best dress and hit the town, or just go to a friend’s place at least. This week is all about re-connecting with the world.
Scorpio
Fear of the unknown gets us all down, Scorps. But this week we strongly advise you take a few risks. Whether it's sticking up for yourself in an argument, applying for a new job or finally telling your crush you’re in love with them (eek), we see it going in your favour. Remember, if Australia can go through five Prime Ministers in eight years, anything is possible.
Sagittarius
The hour-long showers really have to stop, Sag. It's bad for the environment, and it’s also gonna mean a whopping water bill smacking you in the face at the end of the month. Start using your time in the shower wisely. Yes, that means no more self-performed Mariah Carey concerts.
Capricorn
The sun is shining Cap and so are you. Whatever you’ve been doing lately, keep on doing it. You’ve never looked better.
Image credit: Sarah Law