37 Thoughts We Had During Episode 14 Of Love Island

Welcome to another sixty minutes of alcohol-fueled sunstroke, gradual chlorine poisoning and institutionalised sexism masquerading as ‘good banter’. The melanomas are growing, the romance is dying and the respect for each other as anything more than incubating fetus vessels was never even there to begin with. Come on in, the water’s warm.

Here are 37 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.

1. The episode opens with Cassidy still reeling from how attracted she is to new boy Dom, so much so that whenever he says ‘you’re hot for a fatty’ to one of the blokes about whichever girl is nearby, she simply hears a chorus of violins.
2. Dom then chats to Jax on the grassy knoll about which of the half dozen babymakers he should choose to proposition repeatedly through breakfast via unsolicited ass grabs and crude winks.
3. Cass then confides in Erin that Josh is like Milo Malt to her—a f*cking mistake, and sends herself into a depressive spiral of tears and snot just talking about how she’s going to friend zone Josh like the four girls before her.
4. Cass then gets Erin to ask Eden to tell Josh to meet her on deck chairs to confess that her heart says Josh but her crotch says Dom.
5. And Dom says ‘don’t talk to me unless you can prove your BMI is less than fourteen’.
6. After a bizarre montage of people sleeping, the sun rises and Josh tells the boys that Cass broke his heart by dumping him over text message from her mum’s phone.
7. Grant then has a go at Cassidy’s infidelity because he’s so drunk on parmesan cheese that he can’t remember what he did six days ago.
8. Over on the lawn, Justin is critiquing each of Dom’s physical features in great detail because he’s finished complaining about his withering masculinity.
9. Over in the outdoor kitchen, Elias is offering up some relationship advice to Cass that he saw on a Cosmopolitan Insta story a couple of months ago.
10. Dom then swoops in on Cass after hearing whispers that she has blonde hair and her womb has a free vacancy.
11. They then discuss important issues such as eye colour, kissing competency and cup size before deciding that they are extremely compatible.
12. To fill in the silence by the pool, Millie then mentions how often she lets her yellow mellow in the deep end.
13. Jaxon then takes Mac aside to drop her in the friend zone before she can mention Dom’s height for an eleventh time this hour.
14. Dom then gets a text telling him Australia voted and he’s going on a date with Frangipani, even though everyone at home literally voted for Tayla because we’re all a bunch of sh*t stirrers.
15. He then gets to choose a second ‘set of legs’ to accompany him, and selects Cassidy as company to the local RSL where he’ll treat her to some silverside and a vodka orange juice if she plays her cards right AKA doesn’t say anything.
16. Dom then takes Franswahz on a romantic date to a discount outlet around the corner where he smashes a ceramic cat and yells at the geriatric retail assistant.
17. But holy shit those eyes #swoon.
18. Franny then returns from her date and tag teams Cass out while Jax threads Josh’s eyebrows in the bathroom, which is some real modern day masculinity I can get around.
19. Jax and Josh then have a spoon in the bedroom and talk about which Charlie’s Angel they’d be in the third generation reboot.
20. Bored of gushing over Lucy Liu, Jax steals Millie away to discuss waxing techniques and advantages of round versus square tipped nails.
21. Millie immediately tells him to get stuffed and stop poaching her older clients, she needs to save enough money to buy boobs pleaseandthankyou.
22. Over on the grassy knoll, Jax and Josh are having a rant about how the girls don’t perceive them as masculine businessmen, which makes absolutely no sense because they both have facial hair and a Certificate IV in business.
23. Meanwhile Dom and Cass are six seconds into their date and he hasn’t called her ‘sexy legs’ yet which is a good sign.
24. Cass and Dom then return to the villa after literally shit all happening. Even so, her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, mum’s spaghetti because she should know better, but f*ck—she’s in Spain.
25. Cass is itching to tell Tayla about the part where Dom pulled her chair out before she sat down, right after he asked her what her weight was.
26. Cass and Tayla are unsettlingly close at the moment, admittedly because they have more to talk about now that they’re both homewreckers.
27. Dom reckons both Cass and Frangipani are ‘sweet’ but none of them are showing any real baby birthing potential yet.
28. Cass then drags Franny over so the two of them can gush over Dom’s blatant disregard for their respective intellect and career ambitions.
29. The mole of the hour then gets a text telling him to hot foot it over to the barbecue and choose a girl to fork tonight.
30. After giving each of the girl’s medical histories and daily average alcohol intakes a quick squiz, he chooses Cassidy.
31. Stoked with her new villa husband, Cassidy then immediately starts wingwomaning the rest of the girls and trying to set them up with Josh because ‘he’s such a genuine guy with a heart of gold and a brain of f*cking marbles’.
32. Erin then gets a text telling the girls to nominate a couple for the Love Loft.
33. They all choose Tayla and Grant because they’re sick of hearing them bump uglies every night anyway.
34. Erin organises this elaborate ruse to get Grant to the hideaway by pretending Dom called Tayla a brainless baby grower and she’s now inconsolable in the upstairs bathroom.
35. Which is an even more elaborate ruse covering up the fact that he actually did say that.
36. As usual, there is no actual conclusion to the episode, just some slow mo shots of Millie’s chest as she walks over to the sink to refill her drink bottle.
37. This show is the reason I wasn’t allowed to watch Home & Away as a child.

Catch up on all the Love Island drahma here.

Image credit: 9Now