With only three episodes to go, there’s not much that can revive this sinking catamaran, short of Eden getting drunk and displaying homoerotic tendencies instead of bashing people. Still, we live in hope that tonight’s episode will have less alcohol-charged fat slurs than the last.
Here are 31 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with Josh questioning whether or not Amelia is legitimately here to find love, based purely on the duration of her recoupling speech last night, and not the words used in it.
- Meanwhile on the balcony, Amelia is second guessing whether or not she should have made a longer speech, because saying she’d jump in front of a semi-trailer for Josh might not have been enough.
- Josh then confronts her under a palm tree about her shitty speech and she tries to patch it up with a cheeky snog and a crotch grab.
- Meanwhile in the bedroom, Eden is trying to stir sh*t by dragging all the AFL playing skeletons out of Millie’s closet and laying them at Mark’s immaculately pedicured feet.
- Erin then backhands him in the face and tells him to stop being a c*ckhead.
- Still feeling crummy about her recoupling speech, mostly because Josh has been calling her a selfish mole intermittently throughout the morning, Amelia has decided to pen a sweet but semantically inaccurate haiku to Josh on a serviette with an eyeliner pen.
- After reading it aloud to Josh, Dom absolutely craps his dacks on the sunbed over from them because he recognises it as a short rhyme traditionally sung by Humpty Dumpty from Playschool.
- Meanwhile, Josh is praising the grammatical prowess of her rhyming limerick from a purely syntactic perspective.
- Over in the villa, everyone’s reminiscing about the transformative time they’ve had on the show, and all the free produce boxes and teeth whitening kits they’ll score when they get home.
- After hearing that someone in the house is spreading rumours about her sexual history, Millie has a go at Mark on the grassy knoll for being paranoid, and not at Eden for being a loose lipped d*ckface.
- Half of the group then get a text announcing today’s sex challenge, which is to sexualise the roles of healthcare workers in the medical profession.
- After having a laugh about how many carrots Erin has up her bum, Eden puts a hand on Millie’s shoulder and Erin absolutely cracks it and tries to shank her in the eye with a syringe of orange Wizz Fizz.
- Eden then drags Erin out to the foyer and demands she stop touching her eyebrows, so Erin drags him out into the backyard and yells at him in front everyone as revenge.
- Up on the balcony, Teddy’s ten minutes deep into a Garnier Fructis face mask and a rant about the injustices of the Trump administration.
- Millie then gets a text announcing that she and Mark are due for an awkward four-minute date on an Ikea flatpack in the middle of a paddock.
- Straight off the bat, Millie’s pretty pissed because she has to pour her own Corona but gets over it relatively quickly because the date itself ends before he can even ask her what state she lives in.
- Back at the villa, Millie tells Mark to tell everyone that they went out in a superyacht and fished for prawns, but no one asks where they were so it’s basically wasted time they could have spent snogging or bitching about Cassidy.
- In what is clearly an attempt to add a basic level of structure to the show, the producers have forced the couples to separate and reflect on their relationships for a hot second while the crew try to clean Sophie up.
- Unfortunately, she’s ankle deep in gravel and about nine Moscow mules past sober, so without her to announce the departing couple, they send another vague string of instructions via text message.
- This chorus of text reveals that Josh and Amelia, Dom and Shelby, Erin and Eden, and Grant and Tayla are all safe from the chopping block because apparently Australia thinks they’re more legit than the remaining two couples.
- Controversially, Australia has clearly voted to save Mac and Teddy but because they’re not technically a couple, the producers have handed the final decision down to the rest of the villa to avoid public backlash.
- The safe couples then spend the next halfa fluffing about and slagging each other off for being ‘game players’ instead of coming to a decision.
- The couples then reconvene at the fire pit where the result is predictably a stalemate because every single person in this competition is a bloody idiot.
- They then get a text demanding that they all to come to a unanimous decision on the balcony or be drip fed saturated fats for the next eight hours.
- Tayla then tries to guilt trip everyone into sending Mac and Teddy home.
- Then, all of a sudden Cass’s name is thrown into the mix and everyone’s screaming at each other while Eden tries to clock the nearest fella in the schnoz.
- The couples can’t be trusted to make one bloody decision so a text then announces that Mark, Millie, Mac and Teddy have to decide themselves.
- And like the selfless angels they are, Mac and Teddy voluntarily concede defeat and withdraw themselves from the race for love to make way for a couple that make about as much sense as barbecue sauce on Connoisseur English toffee ice cream.
- However, Mac and Teddy miss their flight and never actually leave because their speeches go for too long.
- Millie then tries to start some sh*t with a tone deaf speech about couples ‘playing the game’ but gets shut down pretty quickly by Mac and Teddy who are clearly the only sane people in this hell hole.
- If this episode has taught us anything, it’s that the only thing more powerful than love, is irrational and manic spurts of pathological rage.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now