TV & Movies

48 Thoughts We Had During The First Episode Of Love Island

By Millie Lester
28th May 2018

What is Love Island? It’s like someone took Bachelor in Paradise, inseminated it with the sperm of Snog Marry Avoid, kidnapped their love child and gave it to Millionaire Matchmaker to raise on nothing but mashed potatoes in a strip club where someone from child protection visits every six months dressed as former Aussie pop star in a high-pony and an ASOS romper.

And with that visual fresh in your mind, here are 47 thoughts we had during the first episode of Love Island Australia.

  1. Straight off the bat it’s obvious that this show has a smaller production budget than Scorpion Island.
  2. The costume department is basically a rack of fairy floss and some Ray Bans.
  3. Meanwhile, the narrator of this Spanish-based Australian reality show is Irish because Grant Denyer already committed career suicide when he kept throwing one-liners into the abyss on Family Feud.
  4. A couple of girls have already arrived on the back of some small monster trucks and so far everyone’s one inch of lycra short of being arrested.
  5. Also just FYI; it’s no tramp stamp, no entry, honey.
  6. Over by the pool, the small lycra-clad blonde girl is popping a cleanskin bottle she found under a futon.
  7. We’re then introduced to Millie, the brunette rocking a get-up that looks like it was ripped straight off a Supré mannequin from back in the day.
  8. Cassidy (the blonde one) apparently loves The Dick (the bar where she works, come on guys) and fortunately has been able to take annual leave (from the career she is now destroying).
  9. Next to enter the villa is Erin, who is a self-described ‘naughty nurse’ with a mission to wind back the clock on feminism by a couple of centuries and whose eyeliner wings basically stretch around her head and clap.
  10. One fun fact about Erin is that her ideal man HAS to have neck tattoos and reckless driving charges against his name.
  11. Former Miss Universe, Tayla, is next across the threshold in a pair of eleventeen hundred inch heels.
  12. Followed by Natasha who’s a business owner and exclusively won’t date anyone who doesn’t own a two-storey sea vessel.
  13. The only redeeming part of this show so far is that Sophie drove her own car in.
  14. It’s clear she’s been paid fifty-grand to turn up in a bodycon dress and ask, ‘wot ah yews lookin foaw een ah giiiiieeee?’ before racking off to Barcelona for some beachside mimosas.
  15. Soph then explains that some smokin’ fellas will walk in soon and talk about how hot they are and how many times they’ve cheated on a girl before then picking the hottest one to share a lilo with for the arvo.
  16. Josh swans in and diagnoses himself with a ‘wandering eye’ and a sandwich addiction.
  17. None of the girls step forward and volunteer themselves to be his squeeze, which is oddly satisfying.
  18. But though none of the girls consented to being with him, he then gets to choose one of them anyway because welcome to modern day society, can I take your coat?
  19. After the girls insist that personality is more important than looks, they hang Josh out to dry because he’s blonde and doesn’t own a superyacht.
  20. Next is Justin who’s an international male model and so up himself he’s basically kissing his own tonsils.
  21. Again, none of the girls volunteer to hear about his gig with Katy Perry for the next 48 hours so he cracks the shits and insists that they’re all dumb. Although he’s also very excited to find ‘the one’.
  22. Justin then reluctantly chooses Millie and stands in the background of the shot flexing his pecs and kissing his biceps.
  23. Next is Charlie, a successful rugby player, who has decided to put his flourishing career on hold to find love at a shack in Spain where people veto partners based on hair colour.
  24. It then also comes to light that him and Millie once shared a fudge sundae at Cold Rock and have never quite gotten over each other.
  25. Sophie then bribes Natasha with an Insta Story shout out to get her to step forward and Charlie flips someone off-set the bird as he goes to join her.Before we go anywhere, GRANT’S LAST NAME IS CRAPP.
  26. And apparently, he’s a bogan tradie looking for love in all the wrong cement mixers, which basically makes Cassidy hyperventilate with excitement and fall into the pool.
  27. Last but not least to swan in flaunting a dodgy spray tan is Eden, a prison officer, with a gravelly voice and a personality that makes you want to bang your head against a double-glazed glass door.
  28. Now that they’re all paired up, the couples head into their pimped up Airbnb gushing over the interior.
  29. Shayna Blaze would take one look at this place and start clicking her tongue while simultaneously shouting ‘Kmart’ at every second piece of furniture.
  30. Justin then tries to impress die-hard animal lover Millie by telling her he used to be Kangatarian, and then explains that he ate exclusively seafood and kangaroos.
  31. Meanwhile, Grant is bragging to Erin about sleeping with more than 100 girls and having cheated on half of them. Shut up and take my ovaries!
  32. Josh then starts slagging off the Mona Lisa because he thinks it’ll impress Tayla if he trash talks a cultural icon. 
  33. Charlie tells Natasha that he’d rather snog a kettle than hold her crusty old lady hands.
  34. The sun has also now gone down so everyone’s donned the equivalent of a fishing net for warmth.
  35. The boys then start harmlessly ranking ‘the chicks’ on television even though they’ll all most definitely watch it later at home and cry into their skinny teas.
  36. Charlie has already forgotten Natasha’s name and is in the process of getting Millie’s name tattooed on the inside of his lip.
  37. All the couples are then forced to go to bed together because if something juicy doesn’t happen soon, this show’s about to get axed faster than the tertiary reboot of The Worst Witch.
  38.  The next morning, everyone’s sipping their SMASH drink bottles and pretending to lift weights in conspicuously branded underwear whose endorsements are hopefully making all of their unpaid annual leave worth it.
  39. Meanwhile, Charlie explains to Cassidy that he’s concocted a plan to club Tash to death with a yoga mat and use her rotting carcass as a talking point with Millie, who he’s really struggling to rekindle a connection with.
  40. Cassidy is sceptical but not unsupportive.
  41. All of a sudden Charlie is very f*cking sunburnt.
  42. He then slaps on some aloe vera oil and gives Millie a wet willy before dragging her off for a chat on a nice outdoor modular chaise where she explains that he’s just too young to buy her shit yet.
  43. Justin then pulls Josh aside to tell him that he wants to shag his misses and Josh says he’s totally cool with it mate, but at the same time totally gutted.
  44. Someone then gets a text message and all of a sudden a party starts that looks suspiciously like a Fanta ad from 2007.
  45. Out of nowhere, Kim the bikini model from Brisbane appears on the deck with a bottle of Jacob’s Creek and some fresh shellac nails, ready to f*ck sh*t up and steal your man.
  46. The boys are already crapping their dacks with excitement and can’t wait for the first opportunity to throw their current squeezes off the deep end.
  47. It’s 10:04pm, why the flaming heck is this crap still on my screen?

Catch up on all things Love Island Australia right here

Image credit: 9Now

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