Australians, it seems, are addicted to really crap television.
Free-to-air TV in this country is chockers with inane ‘reality’ shows that people can’t seem to get enough of, while Foxtel is just one long dark night of the soul as far as programming is concerned. I once accidentally watched an episode of Snog, Marry, Avoid and it wrecked me for months. Only really recovered after visiting an exorcist.
You can hardly blame the people who make the shows, as they are obviously just giving the public what it wants. Shame on you public. Shame on us all. Working on the hypothesis that the shittier the show is, the more people watch it, here are some ideas for new TV programs that Aussies will surely love.
The Bachelorette: Delta Goodrem Challenge
It is physically impossible to watch 15 minutes of The Voice without yelling at Delta to ‘shut up and stop being a fake, phony, stupid, creepy weirdo!’ I would love a version of the Bachelorette where the guys battle to see how long they can stay in a room with Ms Goodrem before throwing themselves out the window.
The Block (Party)
A bunch of narcissistic Aussie couples spend all week renovating houses in the most wanky way they can think of, then on Saturday night hundreds of suburban teenagers trash everything in a *Tracy Grimshaw voice* ‘social media-fuelled block party which soon spiralled out of control’. The payoff for the viewer is the look on Dax and Tasha’s faces when they come back Monday morning and see their $3000 basalt echo bowl bathroom sink shattered to pieces at the bottom of the stairs and that the Seagrass wallpaper they spent nine painstaking hours putting up is now permanently stained by Bundy and Coke spew.
Jerry Springer: Where are they now?
Oprah obviously got bored swimming in her piles of money and decided to revisit some of the guests she had on her show back in the day. I haven’t watched any of Oprah: Where are they now? but I’m sure it would make me shriek and jump up and down and bawl just like it used to. If Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! had a similar walk down nostalgia lane, I would definitely be watching. I often wonder if the guy who wed his horse is still happily married. Did they have kids (foals? Centaurs?)? Did the adult baby ever grow up? How is that transvestite who sawed off her own legs? Did they grow back? We have a right to know how these people’s journeys ended.
Say Yes to the Prison Dress-Code
Girls love Say Yes to the Dress. Girls love Orange is the New Black. So combining these two shows is a no-brainer. This would be a fly-on-the-wall docu-drama/black comedy focussed on the arrival of new inmates at one of Australia’s maximum-security women’s prisons. When these vicious criminals arrive at the jail, they will be given the choice of wearing the compulsory, but demure, prison garments OR being sprayed with a high-pressure firehose until they agree to wear the garments. When their spirit is broken and they put the ugly clothes on, the guards will squeal and clap and gush.
Australia’s version of Dance Moms would follow the travails of the mothers of the Bundaberg Brothers U12b cricket team. Instead of screaming fights over which daughter has the better costume there would be vague disagreements over whose turn it is to be the scorer and a few snide comments about how Shirl hasn’t done canteen duty for months ... along with hours and hours of mums just sitting in camp chairs reading New Idea. It would be a very slow burner, but viewers would eventually get hooked. The wicket-keeper would end up in a Sia video.
Big Brother: Stoned FIFA
After pondering long and hard about what could be more mind-numbing than watching a bunch of bogans sit around in a house talking gibberish, I’ve finally come up with an answer. Fill the Big Brother house with university-aged lads and provide them with a giant TV, an Xbox, FIFA 16, a huge bag of weed and the implements to make bucket bongs. They will literally sit there for 10 weeks in their own filth playing computer football against each other. If millions tune in to the Waiting For Godot-esque nothingness of BB, this is sure to shatter ratings records. Maybe toss in a few boxes of Pizza Shapes every now and then, though, so the dudes don’t starve to death.
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Image credit: Bachelor Gossip