The 7 Worst People You’ll See At IKEA

By Millie Lester
27th Feb 2017


A trip to IKEA will reveal some of our country’s most colourful idiots people. Keep an eye out for these hooligans:

Kevin re-uses wrapping paper and cafe napkins, and drives at 90 kilometres an hour on freeways because he read an article in the Herald Sun fourteen years ago that said it saves 12% more fuel.

When Kevin’s not lining up at the Woolies checkout in rush hour to complain about being overcharged 15c for homebrand long life milk, he’s haggling over DVDs at garage sales and stealing sauce sachets from 7-Eleven.

Joan once sued her local dry cleaner because the crease was too defined in her favourite pair of Trenery three-quarter slacks. She enjoys renewing her annual Age subscription because she sees it is a symbolic revolt against the uprising of technology, and semi-regularly reports her neighbours to the local council for leaving unapproved hard rubbish on the nature strip.

On weekends Joan can usually be found checking the license plates of cars parked on her street or supervising her house cleaner at home.

Kyle once did a backflip on a trampoline and dislocated his pelvis and then kicked the winning goal for the Colac District under-15s the following weekend.

In his down time, Kyle enjoys watching plane crash montages on Youtube, experimenting with prescription stimulant medications leading up to exam periods and submitting videos of his stepmother tripping over wooden spoons to Funniest Home Videos Australia.

Natasha’s shopping for lounge suites today as her parents just bought her a studio apartment on Lonsdale Street because she got an ATAR over 65. Every half an hour she has to go down to the car park to check on her Cavoodle—Anastasia—because yesterday she ate a whole packet of bok choy and threw up on her new marble patterned Sheridan duvet cover.

When Natasha’s not beginning group chat messages with ‘hey mols’, she’s flatly denying her tan is fake and asking people who’s on their love radar.

Mary-Taneil-Maree took a day off work to drive here from Horsham today because she saw that season 17 of Law & Order: SVU was out at JB Hi-Fi.

When she’s not grossly misunderstanding commercial returns policies, Mary-Taneil-Maree is whipping up her ‘famous fish fingers and mashed potato’ for the kids and texting Bongo to find out which eligible single dad is crushing on her in the surrounding area this week.

Aiden asked Marissa out six days ago in the line to the toilet at a Shannon Noll concert. Since then he’s been determined to prove he’s not the same guy who wrote off her parents’ car last week when he filtered extra virgin olive oil into the engine.

When Aiden’s not repeatedly calling his mum to ask how the washing machine works, he’s making a living selling AFL SuperCoach tips and building rabbit hutches in the off-season.

Evangeline recently became a qualified early childhood teacher and is celebrating by throwing a dinner party on the evening of the Married At First Sight finale and Dennis is livid.

In her free time, Evangeline enjoys browsing the Kikki K website, spending $300 at Country Road so she can get the 30% members’ discount and leaving in-depth Airbnb reviews. On a Saturday night, you’ll find her reorganising the plastics cupboard in the kitchen, weighing her Pomeranians and Googling the warning signs of Canine Diabetes.

Looking to fit a bit of racing in before the weather turns rubbish? If you go, beware of these 7.

Image credit: IKEA

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