The 7 Worst People You’ll See At The Supermarket

By Millie Lester
20th Sep 2017

The 7 Worst People You’ll See At The Supermarket

Supermarket runs can go one of two ways—you can come out with a trolley full of junk food and plans for an indulgent night in front of the telly, or you can leave wanting to key every car in the carpark because you just had to endure an hour of humanity at its worst.

Here are the 7 worst people you’ll see in the supermarket who’ll make you want to kick a car door or five.

Beverley’s idea of a good time is reading twelve chapters of Mills & Boon on the train to work.

She prides herself on her collection of crocheted lifesize parakeets and her lifetime subscription to Take5 magazine and has been faking spontaneous dementia to get out of buying Christmas presents for her family since 2014. When she’s not dobbing in litterers to the police, she’s enjoying a glass of goon with dinner and telling her grandchildren they’re fat.

Alessandro is a daycare worker by trade and also suffers from a debilitating fear of people. He typically spends his time stockpiling KFC shop-a-dockets, watching reruns of first generation Round The Twist and writing Backyard Blitz fanfiction. When he’s not refusing to answer his phone for fear of getting tangled up in a Bunnings gift voucher scam, Alessandro can be found curing his Neopets at the Rainbow Fountain and researching the advantages of a vitamin D-free diet.

Darren’s primary school teacher once described him as ‘harder to shake than an STI’. He gets his kicks from catcalling people in Officeworks and giving his friends face tattoos. In his downtime, Darren enjoys writing his mum’s phone number on public toilet walls, turning his jeans into cutoffs with a serrated bread knife in summer and day-drinking in KFC carparks.

When he’s not relentlessly asking his sister for her Netflix password, he’s typically making ‘custom skateboards’ from firewood in his garage and walking rescue dogs at the RSPCA.

Sebastian works at an Adidas outlet store in the outer burbs. He is allergic to fresh coriander, penicillin and saying thank you. In his down time, Sebastian enjoys deactivating his Facebook account because life shouldn’t be dictated by false projections of happiness, and then reactivating it three days later when he can’t remember what date his edible plants workshop is on. When Sebastian’s not condemning The Bachelor for propagating archaic social structures, he’s hosting The Real Housewives of Orange County viewing parties and applying for Survivor.

Elise is a mother of five who believes discipline makes children more susceptible to childhood obesity. She drives a 1995 Toyota Tarago and her guilty pleasure is reading Pete Evans’ blog aloud in Manu’s voice. When Elise isn’t writing to the ABC to complain about the level of physical contact between two of the male Teletubbies, she’s buying secondhand velcro Skechers on Ebay and stealing mint from her neighbour’s herb garden.

Kraiydenn gets suspended from school on a semi-regular basis because he read in his sister’s Dolly Doctor once that girls like bad boys. When he’s not stealing Monopoly tokens off the tables at Maccas, him and his mates like to throw bottles of lemonade around supermarket carparks because fireworks are illegal. In his down time, Kraiydenn enjoys browsing The Last Airbender inspired tattoos on Tumblr, sending nudes to ‘birds’ on and reading A Series of Unfortunate Events under the blankets at night.

Denise is a Mary Kay consultant by day and a freelancing unqualified relationship counsellor by night. She enjoys lecturing her friends on the importance feng shui, keeping her RSVP dating profile up to date and never paying full retail price for anything. When she’s not flogging her own range of knockoff Glasshouse candles on Gumtree, Denise is either working on her new book “Smiles Are The Windows To The Future Of Tomorrow’s Child” or hand making kitchen crockery from dehydrated banana skins.

If this article tickled your fancy, you'll be glad to know we've written the 7 worst people you'll see at the races as well.

Image credit: Gabriella Bjorklund

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