We Preview The Bachelor

By Daniel Colasimone
25th Jul 2016

The Bachelor Preview

It seems like only six months ago that Richie Strahan was a fresh-faced, jive-talking contestant on The Bachelorette, and now he has come such a long way that he actually has his own show, coincidentally called The Bachelor.

Remember how we mocked him for saying stuff like ‘cool bananas’ as though he were a 12-year-old from 1994? And then he won us over by having great abs and by not being a complete tossrag like every other contestant on the show. Silly, brave Richie was ultimately unsuccessful in winning the love of Bachelorette Sam (he may have finished third? Who knows, it was ages ago), but we the people loved him so much we demanded he be presented with many young women so that we could enjoy watching him handpick one and reject many.

Upon researching the contestants just now, I can reveal there will be 22 lady suitors for Richie’s hand in marriage. Based on their short bios on the Channel Ten page, and their profile pictures, I will now rate their chances of becoming Richie’s reason for getting up in the morning, his light, his life, his everything.


With an important sounding job (business development manager, wot?) and a big deal made out of the fact she is Greek, we can expect Aimee to be going the smart-and-sassy route into Richie’s chinos. I jest, but she actually looks like a serious contender, if she can get over her crippling daddy issues.


Describing herself as ‘sensitive but opinionated’ doesn’t sound like a great start (like the kind of person who will get genuinely enraged if you don’t agree Love Actually is the greatest movie ever) but Alex is a fine-looking filly (yes, I just said that) and as a young mum, you can guarantee Richie’s fatherhood credentials will be put under the microscope if she makes it through to the final stages. And we’d all love to see that.


The words ‘quirky’ and ‘kooky’ and ’10 cats’ all appear in the first paragraph of Eliza’s bio. Put her down as one of those characters on reality shows who is kept around for no apparent reason until the latter stages but has no chance of actually winning.


Too whitebread, this Queensland hairdresser will be lost among the waves of blonde hair crashing over our hero.


Oh please, Richard, don’t make us suffer this girl for long. She says she has a ‘man bible’ full of the qualities she is looking for and describes a bloke putting sugar in his coffee as a deal breaker. Yes, let’s seek perfection from every person you date, as guys love it when you put them under intense pressure from the outset.


I predict Richie will let out a little yelp when he sees Janey’s high, pointy eyebrows and slightly crazed expression coming at him. He’ll then do his best to be polite when he realises how batshit she is. She says she loves sparkles, unicorns and fairies and is passionate about Disney – just like your typical five-year-old girl, then. I’ll be genuinely surprised if she doesn’t quote a line from Frozen at some stage (or even better, sing one of the songs). Run for your life, Richie! Run like some Disney character that runs!


‘Big personality’ and ‘someone who wears her heart on her sleeve’ are not qualities that tend to work well on elimination reality shows. Next!


I wanted to dislike Kiki because of her name but she comes across as an OK gal in her bio. I really liked her duet with Elton John, too; ‘Don’t go breakin’ my heart’.


Don’t date girls called Laura. It never ends well, trust me.


Don’t date yoga instructors, trust m… no, I can’t go down this dark path. But for realz, Marja seems a little too deep and spiritual for our Richie, whose most profound cognitive moments probably come while he’s watching CSI: Las Vegas.


I never like to come across as a deviant (*snorts of laughter from the TUL editors) so will avoid saying much about ‘free-diving beach babe’ Megan. Let’s just put her as a top two candidate. She has many fine qualities, and by that I mean she’s sex on toast. And now I’ll stop talking.


Not sure if this is pronounced mee-ah or M.I.A., like missing in action. I’m sure we’ll find out during the show. Actually, not that I’m finished with that laboured joke, DAMN, this tall glass of Prosecco is another top contender.


This girl is almost 28 and says she has never had a boyfriend. Sorry, love, even Channel Ten, with all its immense power, won’t be able to help you here.


Nikki might just be the right combination of bubbly, babein’ and bogan for our Richie. One to watch.


She looks like she might be quite fun, though people who describe themselves as ‘adventurous’ are only ever that about 50% of the time. If they ended up dating, it would also mean Richie could finally play out his Noni-from-Playschool fantasies.


What would The Bachelor be without a Ukrainian catwalk model to spice things up? Olena says she ‘attacks with her eyes’ and that her mother has given up on her having children since she’s reached the ripe old age of 23 without producing offspring. She looks like she’s kind of scary but kind of awesome. Which probable means she’ll be too much for Richie to handle.


Yikes, Rachael is definitely a Housewives of [insert city where she ends up living here] in training. Richie’s personality, from memory, is pretty soft and bland and gooey like Clag glue, so I feel like these strong, ferocious, sexy types of women would eat him alive.


Hahahaha! Sasha! Wasn’t that the guy who won The Bachelorette?? Oh man, Richie is going to have some bad flashbacks. I bet he cries. Anyway, Sasha is a pretty hot Russian babe, but put her down for a high probability of chucking a tantrum. I don’t know why, just get that feeling.


In her short bio, Sophie bangs on about how much she loves her baby nephew. You know she’s the kind of person who’d have him as her Facebook profile pic and would talk about him constantly. ZZZZZ. No, she’s not a good choice. Yes, I’m an arsehole.


Mamma mia, Tiffany has her super-flat stomach out in her profile picture, which is kind of weird. ‘She has kissed a lot of frogs and is ready to find her prince.’ I don’t know what to say about that, other than I don’t think she will get past the first round of eliminations.


I’m absolutely fascinated to find out how she pronounces her name.


Again, what is that name? Anyway, Vint describes herself as a massive tomboy, so we’ll just have to see if that’s Richie’s bag. She plays herself down a fair bit compared to most of the others, which is instantly endearing. May be a dark horse who gains traction as the competition wears on.

Side note: I think every single one of these girls has said in their bios that they are into ‘fitness’. It would be refreshing if one just said she was into sitting on the couch watching Game of Thrones, smashing nachos and getting white-girl wasted.

Other words I feel like I’ve just read 22 times: Passionate, adventurous, outgoing, family.

Image credit: The Bachelor AU

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