We Rank The Bachelorette Dudes

By Daniel Colasimone
9th Oct 2015

The Bachelorette Australia

Welcome back to another week of The Bachelorette Power Rankings ™, the world’s most loved weekly performance ladder based on Australia’s favourite dating death match show.

This ladder is so friggen accurate I can’t even deal. Last week Will, Tony and Davey were in the bottom three places and they have all been BRUTALLY AXED by Sam since. If I didn’t know the show had been recorded weeks ago I would assume that Sam reads this column and bases all her decisions on its gospel-like words.

Self-proclaimed lovable larrikin (read: annoying dipshit) Davey was the latest to go. His funnyman act went down so badly in recent episodes that rather than being eliminated with the traditional rose ceremony, Sam had him taken out the back and shot off camera.

In a way it was cold-blooded, ridiculously excessive and illegal thing for the normally sweet Sam to do, but can any of us say we don’t think Davey deserved it? No. Because he did.

Anyway, there are only five ASOS models left for Sam to choose from, meaning we are basically into: The Bachelorette finals series™.

Every single decision these doofuses make from now on is high-stakes. Neglecting to mention how important family is to you for a period of longer than 10 minutes and you are likely to get kicked to the kerb. Put on just a normal T-shirt and jeans in the morning instead of some bag-of-wank cardigan and three-quarter skinny jeans and you might as well hold your own rose ceremony and show yourself out, because Sam ain’t got no time for that shit.

Here is how the remaining bachelors stand.

1. Alex

Mr Suave English Lumberjack isn’t trying anywhere near as hard as the others, basically because he knows he doesn’t have to. When he read out one of the date cards in a Sean Connery James Bond voice it gave me a half-chub, and I’m not even into guys. If Sam had been around to hear that she would have probably dry humped him right on the spot and this competition would be over already.

2. Michael

The smarmier this skeezbucket acts, the more Sam seems to like it. Can someone get a message to her in the house that he is just a real estate agent and not really a famous soccer player? Maybe Drew could send his owl with a note attached to its leg. Michael even failed badly at the Test of Strength, admitting, ‘I’m not even benching half of what these guys do.’ FFS you can just imagine them spending all day in the gym together having a massive circle jerk.

3. Richie

Finally Richie realised being effortlessly handsome all the time wasn’t enough, and he charmed the socks off a smitten Sam by being funny and affectionate. Kudos to him for handling the old-people date thing well. Props for not flipping out when he found out that, instead of getting to see Sam in a bikini on some beach date he got to sit through four hours of makeup himself and then hang out with an 80-year-old version of her. I know that some guys are into that, but still. There were some alarm bells for Richie, though. Sam did say at one point that he has a ‘lovely soul’ – which is usually code for ‘I don’t want to sex you and you’re going home soon’.

4. Sasha

Sasha’s ENTIRE thing is that he is the strong alpha dog and a big rugby tosser and he couldn’t even ring the bell in the Test of Strength and was shit at the rugby game AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

5. Dave

Dave really hates kids and family so he has a lot of work to do to move back up this ladder. He is also maybe the only guy left who hasn’t necked on with Sam. He did admit he WOULD kiss her in the right circumstances though. Glad he cleared that up. Pretty sure if you win you have to get married and there would be kissing involved at some point. Sam seems to dig the dopey guys though, so all is not lost. Keep saying stuff like ‘Here’s cheers to me winning’, mate, and you’ll always have a place in her heart.

6. Osher

Has anyone else noticed how Sam is all over Osher all the time? Also, do they both live in the Bachelorette house together? Just asking questions here.

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