Why Being Incredibly Good Looking Is Harder Than You Think

By Daniel Colasimone
25th Apr 2016

There is an insidious form of discrimination that is not often talked about in the mainstream media.

If, like me, you’re insanely attractive, you’ll know that life is much more arduous for us than what plain-looking people realise.

One in 50 Australians suffers from beautifulism on a daily basis. It affects both women and men. Our struggle is real. Not even the rich and famous are immune. The likes of Eddie Redmayne, Gigi Hadid, Jessica Chastain and Adam Levine all live with this burden – this curse which strikes indiscriminately at birth and remains with us until late middle age.

You scoff, but you don’t know what it’s like. Let me illustrate to you some of the difficulties we bravely face:

EVERYBODY Wants To Get In Your Pants

This is the most obvious, but also most chronic problem ridiculously good looking folk have to deal with. Sure, you take advantage for a while, spending most of your 20s bonking everything in sight, but there comes a time where you just want to switch it off. And this is a tap that cannot be turned off. Do you realise how annoying it is when you wander in to Coles hungover on a Sunday morning to pick up some milk and the checkout chick begs you to sleep with her at the back of the ‘bakery’, and won’t let you leave till you add her on Facebook? Or when the captain of your mixed netball team quits because he says he can’t play with a stiffy anymore? It’s genuinely painful. (The situation, not the stiffy)

The Stupid Nicknames

For guys it’s Fabio. Or Don Juan. Or Prettyboy, Zoolander, Brad Pitt, Mr Fabulous, Hot Chocolate, Studlord, Magnificent Bastard. You hear them all a thousand times. Girls get Barbie, Sugartits, The Girl from Ipanema, Perfect 10 or Kissyface. Your friends and colleagues think they’re being original or clever, but they are just churning out the same discriminatory bullshit. THOSE ARE NOT THE NAMES OUR PARENTS GAVE US!

People Assume You’re A Twit

Because nobody could have a face this perfect and also a brain, right? Actually, David Duchovny and Rashida Jones are smart as hell. My boy James Franco is a straight-up genius. Stop talking to us like we’re someone who watches Two Broke Girls and drives a Toyota Yaris!

It’s Impossible Not To Look Amazing When You’re Doing Bad Things

Smoking, for example. A tremendously attractive person can chuff on a cheeky durry ONE TIME and look so damn sexy doing it that next thing you know everybody has taken it up. My burping has been described as ‘awesome and godlike’. When I spit I look like a fucking matador. Stuff like this just encourages us to behave disgracefully, and then we end up loathing ourselves afterwards.

The Constant Harassment That Comes With Having An Aura

Aside from everybody trying to boof you constantly, there is also an endless stream of punters who want to draw benefit from your stunning appearance. They seem to think just being around you will somehow make your gorgeousness rub off on them. You can’t enjoy a meal at Sizzler without somebody coming up and asking you could please take a selfie with them, or star in a sex tape. I’ve had South Koreans take photos of me then use my image on giant billboards back home to advertise department stores. People stand so close to me in the Centrelink line that it makes me feel icky and I have to have a shower when I get home.  Everybody wants a piece.

Not Getting Credit For Anything Else You Do

Ana Ivanovic is a former world number one tennis player, yet you probably just know her as ‘that righteous babe who wears skirts’. Ricky Martin is a brilliant recording artist, but he’s most famous for shaking his luscious bon-bon. Similarly, I once finished second in my school’s table tennis comp, yet everyone just knows me as ‘the outrageously handsome Italian guy from Bundaberg’. It’s not fair and it’s not right.

Image credit: science-all.com

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