John Keyyyyyy….what’s happened?? You’ve resigned and left the whole country belly up and wondering what the hell is going on.
And, while Bill English looks set to take over the most important job in Aotearoa, we here at The Urban List figure Joe Public deserves a say, too.
Without further ado here are our votes (in no particular order) of who we think should be the next Prime Minister of New Zealand.
Television ditched him, despite the country’s protests and it’s a well-known fact that Mr John Campbell gives a serious shit about the underdog which makes him a top candidate as the next Prime Minister. And, given the fact that every second Kiwi has been left feeling like an underdog, then maybe it’s about time a new John stepped into the limelight. We reckon everyone would have luxuries like, you know, food. And a roof over their head.
She pretty much educated an entire generation, so it’s completely natural that Suzy Cato would be on our list of who should be New Zealand’s next Prime Minister. She’d have everyone smiling and waving and make sure everything is A-Ok. We’d be the friendliest nation on the planet in no time.
Was New Zealand world-famous before Flight of the Concords? Maybe, but Jemaine certainly helped put us on the map. With his dry wit and deadpan face, Jemaine would lead New Zealand further onto the global stage and show that you don’t need to be completely OTT to make a difference—America, we’re looking at you. We’d sure be a fly on the wall when he met Trump.
Ummm...mum! Where did you go? Another one who was ditched by the television stations and who the rest of the country would surely love to see the return of is Judy Bailey. We’ve felt abandoned long enough and what better position for her to take up than as the leader of our country? She’s obviously super smart and knows all about our history, given the number of years she spoke about and to us. Every. Single. Night.
As New Zealand’s first Bachelor, all eyes were on Art Green when he had the chance to date a dozen women on television. Let’s face it, the guy should have been a fad, dying out after he whisked Matilda away for love. But, it turns out the general public were wrong—he has a sharp business mind, is actually genuine about his feelings and already knows he needs to escape overseas if he wants some alone time. If that doesn’t prepare him to be a Prime Minister, what will?
Another reality TV star who surprised the nation is Gilda Kirkpatrick. With flashing eyes, she’ll lay down the law, listen when someone’s upset, shoot a gun (not sure why you’d need that but it’s still kinda cool) and see right through other people’s bullshit. We figure she’d rule New Zealand in style, too.
Dr. Chris Warner
Okay, we get it, he’s technically not a person. More a character of sorts. But pretty much the entire nation knows Dr. Chris Warner. Michael who? (We bet you had to think about that one….it’s Michael Galvin, the actual guy's name) He’s been a part of our longest running soap for so long he’s infiltrated every home in the country at some stage or another. That level of saturation would be pretty hard to beat and, given he can run a hospital, surely a nation wouldn’t be too different?
If there’s one woman who’s got it going on, it’s Anika Moa. Sharp as a tack, a great singer and probably the funniest woman in the country, she’s one woman who would call out the fuckers and leave the rest of us with tears streaming down our cheeks—in laughter, of course. She’s overtly political, has an opinion about anything and everything and even managed to recently get Jake the Muss and Beth back together. If she can do that, who knows what else she can do?
Everyone knows that rugby is religion here in Aotearoa and so with his track record as the most capped rugby player of all time, leading a team of giant men winning back-to-back World Cups, then that makes him pretty much, you know, GOD. Surely adding a few million to the number of people he needs to inspire, train and lead shouldn’t be too big of a deal?
The second mother-of-the-nation—Hilary—wears her heart on her sleeve. In a good way. There’s nothing better than when she cracks up and loses her shit and the rest of New Zealand goes with her. This is one woman who can easily control a roomful of drunk people and is perhaps the only one who has managed to pull Paul Henry into line. Occasionally. And when she can’t, she leaves, competes and wins. Yep, she’d nail the Prime Minister role.
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Image credit: Suzy Cato