‘Heaven hath no power like love to hatred turn’d; nor hell a fury like a hangover in your thirties’.
As we mature our relationship with alcohol warps horrifically. What we gain in wisdom we lose in the ability to mix drinks without worshipping the porcelain gods the next day. It’s a sick and twisted nightmare that is fundamentally unfair.
After centuries of hoaxes and dismal failures, the hope of a Cure has since faded into urban folklore. Not even the global efforts of whizzbot scientists have managed to significantly dull the nauseous reckoning of the liquid flu.
Hate to tell you NASA, but you lose this race. The hangover has been cured, thirteen times over at some of the best (life-saving) Auckland cafes and restaurants:
#1 Bloody Mary At Scarlett Slimm’s And Lucky
With the dual powers of hair of the dog and a fatty fry up, Scarlett Slimm’s and Lucky’s towering Bloody Mary is twice as likely to spare you the wrath of grapes. Self-proclaimed as a ‘cocktail to die for’, it’s garnished with a beef slider, a pickle, an onion ring, polenta, spicy chicken wing, and a partridge in a goddamn pear tree.
#2 Pork And Fennel Sausage Sandwich At Ceremony
After a hard night on the fire water, sink your fuzzy chops into the protein-packed The Number Two Sandwich: pork and fennel sausage, over-easy egg, cheddar, slaw and sriracha sauce ensconced in a soft, squishy bun like an edible pillow. The rest of the menu at Ceremony is pretty much exclusively hangover cures, so you can order one of each and triple-charge that comeback.
#3 Poutine At The Federal Delicatessen
We’ve said it before but we’ll say it again, there is nothing so terrible that a plate of fries with cheese and gravy can’t fix it. The Federal Delicatessen’s poutine contribution gets our shiny seal of approval with true North-American style proportions, and the salty chicken gravy will bring you back time and time again for this dish your arteries just wish you would hate.
#4 Cold Brew Coffee At Kokako
Cold brew is steeped for about as long as your divine punishment is about to last (that’s 18-24 hours), so you know it’s serious stuff. This resplendent and refreshing method of ingesting caffeine is available at Kokako. Have them pour you a double and sip it slowly behind dark glasses to avoid that incredibly unfashionable brain freeze.
#5 Cold-Pressed Juice At Well + Good
Solid food can be a bit of a hard ask if someone slipped you a bad ice cube the night before. Mercifully, Well + Good has a perfect juice concoction of beetroot, ginger and green apple to help you on the road to recovery. This juice aptly called 03 says that the addition is ginger is great for boosting your immunity, and helping to soothe nausea… need we say more?
#6 One-Board-Breakfast At The Garden Shed
Dilemma: you don’t have time for multiple courses but you need all the comfort foods and you need them now. The solution: The Garden Shed’s Shed Board with the whole gang: streaky bacon, spicy pork saus, tomato-y black beans, poached eggs, pan-fried potato rosti, a Portobello mushie and toasted sourdough to mop up all the juices. Put that in your mouth and eat it.
#7 Any Of The 69 Milkshakes At Grill And Shakes
Bridging the gap between coffee and solids, Grill and Shakes’ impressive list of 69 milkshakes will no doubt have what you need to weather your physiological meltdown. They’re all whipped up with organic milk and real ingredients (artificial syrups and flavourings are a no-no), and will go down nicely with their equally impressive offering of skewers and topped flatbreads. Blending up some of the best milkshakes in Auckland, our faves are Twix, Call Me Ginger Slice, and Pineapple Lumps.
#8 Grilled Haloumi At Tasca Mount Eden
If your hangover is lasting late into the evening, we’ve got you. More of a good thing equals less than a bad thing, so we recommend heading to Mount Eden and ordering Tasca’s haloumi with an side of extra haloumi. Their extensive tapas list includes patatas bravas, panfried chorizos, poached eggs and a churros to balance it out, but take heed on the extra haloumi. It is seriously the only thing to abate traumatisation by the technicolour yawn.
#9 20-Minute Pancake At Domain & Ayr
While we’re sure Domain & Ayr has an extensive breakfast menu, we wouldn’t know because we’re too caught up in their fluffy 20-minute pancake. It’s soft, it’s fluffy and it’s bigger than any pancake you’ve seen before. Served with mixed berries and mascarpone and drizzled with maple syrup, this famous pancake is worth every minute of the wait. It’ll be sure to lick your self-inflicted wounds back to health.
#10 Breakfast Burrito At Ralph’s
Vegans and meat-eaters alike, we got you. Take yourself and your morning tremblies for a cure for most ails—the breakfast burrito at Ralph’s. Opt for a tortilla or bowl stuffed with scrambled egg, black beans, brown rice, limecream, cheddar, peppers, jalapenos, coriander, chipotle mayo AND chorizo or tofu.
#11 The Eggs Benedict At The Block
Like my Irish mammy used to say: there’s nothing better than an eggs benny when you’re feeling phlegmy. And she owned a brewery so she’d know. You can trust The Block’s no-nonsense eggs benedict to pull you back from the brink of doom. They serve fried chook on house made muffins with spinach and hollandaise. There’s also a pork belly version if you want to get some pork on ya fork.
#12 Big Top Breakfast At Circus Circus
It’s a widely recognised fact that the fermented juniper berry is a vicious nutrient thief. If you’ve woken red-eyed and bushy-tongued with the post-marathon feels, chances are you got taken for a ride by a bottle of Hendrick’s. Don’t panic, stay calm and swiftly get your ass over to Circus Circus for a protein-blasted plate of bacon, pork sausage, eggs, herb roasted house baked beans, hash brown, roasted mushroom, and sourdough.
#13 Killashake At Cereal Killa
Perfect for shake guzzlers floundering in the swirling hell of delirium tremens, Cereal Killa’s Killshake shake will clear the bleak and get you back on your feet. Start your killashake journey with the toffee caramel popcorn complete with waffle fingers so you can go all dippy egg on your milkshake. From there, go for a strawberry doughnut dip shake, a chocolate Nutella version or peanut butter. Whatever you choose, it’s just the thing to soothe a boozy crapulence and sure beats an Excedrin breakfast.
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Image credit: Andrew Wilson