It’s been a long time coming, but Auckland’s public transport is finally doing a pretty swell job at keeping this city moving. We’ve got speedy electric trains that don’t fill Britomart Station with diesel fumes (yay for no more dizzy-spells and headaches!), loads more buses that now come with WiFi, and a fare system that doesn’t involve a buttload of paper tickets littering the streets.
With all these magical advancements, you’d think the passengers would have improved too, right? Well, we have some baaad news for you. Whether you’re a train-rider, bus-hopper, or ferry-catcher, let us introduce to you 20 people you’ll definitely meet on public transport in Auckland.
1. Manspreader Mark
It’s the 5pm train. We have no room for you to assert your alpha-male status. Cross your legs and sit like a lady, dammit.
2. I-Found-My-BFF-On-The-Train Tracey
Although loud and obnoxious, make the most of this situation by eavesdropping. You can get in on some solid goss about what Tiffany’s ex has been up to.
3. I’ve-Got-Unlimited-Minutes Mandy
Unlike the chatty BFFs on the train, you can only eavesdrop on half of a phone call convo, so these people are literally the worst.
4. Everyone-Totally-Loves-My-Bangers Ben
Whatever you’re listening to sounds awesome through those tinny Beats By Dre knock-offs.
5. Why-Isn’t-My-Hop-Card-Working William
Just keep trying, buddy. Your balance is in the negatives but we’re sure if you stand there holding up the queue, it’ll work eventually. Even when his Hop card’s topped up, Will’s the guy who comes to a complete stop when tagging off. You don’t need to wait for the beep. It will beep. Keep moving.
6. You-Can’t-Have-This-Seat-Because-My-Michael Kors-Bag-Is-Sitting-Here Hayley
Don’t make us stare at you until you move it. Public transport is no place for interaction and we will sit on your $400 handbag if we have to.
7. How-Much-Uni-Homework-Can-I-Get-Through-Before-I-Get-To-Wellesley Street Stacy
You can always spot students on public transport because they’ll have a MacBook on their laps and despair in their eyes.
8. Love-Me-A-Train-Nap Nancy
It’s totally cool to sleep on public transport—just stick to one seat, don’t use my shoulder as a pillow to drool on, and don’t throw a tantrum when you sleep past your stop. Unfortunately, no public transport-napper has ever managed to nail three outta three.
9. Walks-Down-The-Aisles-With-A-Gear-Bag-On-His-Shoulder Shaun
What concealed object are we gonna get hit with today? Rugby boots? A yoga mat? Please hold your bag in FRONT of you when walking down the aisle.
10. I’m-Gonna-Open-One-Snapchat-So-Better-Make-Sure-My-Phone-Doesn’t-Die David
Yes, there are power points on these fancy electric trains, and no, you won’t get to use them because of people like David.
11. I-Catch-The-Ferry-Every-Day-To-Get-To-Work Wilson
If sea legs were literally legs, these people are the Heidi Klums of public transport.
12. I-Missed-Lunch-So-I-Got-Some-McNuggets-For-The-Ride-Home Harry
We all want nuggets all the time, but don’t whip them out on public transport ‘less you plan on sharing. Also, there are vegetarians on the train who probably don’t want to smell your chicken.
13. Open-Mouth-Gum-Chewing Chelsea
If you want fresh breath on public transport, please opt for some Listerine PocketPaks. Open-mouthed gum-chewing doesn’t even make us angry anymore, just really, really disappointed.
14. Um-Yes-I-Put-Deodorant-On-This-Morning Michael
This guy is usually the one who stands in the aisles holding on to the overhead handles with both hands. Smelly pit-whiffs for everyone!
15. Should’ve-Called-In-Sick Sally
It’s all well and good you wanna be the hero who goes to work when they’re ill, but for the next two weeks we’ll be on a diet of Nurofen and Chicken Soup ‘cause we spent an hour-long journey being sneezed on.
17. Inappropriate-Public-Displays-Of-Affection Andy And Anna
You know how people train dogs to stop humping things by spraying them with water? Maybe we should adopt this method on late-night public transport. @AucklandTransport, thoughts?
18. Freeloader Fabio
“The ticket machine wasn’t working”, “It wouldn’t let me tag on, Miss!”. No one agrees with the price of public transport, but OH MY GOD JUST GET OFF THE TRAIN. WE HAVE PLACES TO BE.
19. Double-Parking Patricia
You know what kinda state the park-and-ride car parks are in? One time we had to park in a spot so narrow, the only way out of our car was through the boot. We simply don’t have the resources to accommodate for selfish Patricias.
20. Public-Transport-Queen Kelsey
Kelsey is the bomb.com, and she’s basically got the public transport system on lock. She sits on the left side of the train so the sun doesn’t glare on her phone, she lets everyone off the bus before she gets on, and she gives up her seat for little old ladies. To quote the tacky Auckland Transport campaign: Kelsey is a considerate public transport passenger. Be like Kelsey.
- 12 Things Your Barista Wishes You'd Stop Doing
- 20 Things Only Coriander Haters Understand
- 30 Things You'll Never Hear An Aucklander Say
Image credit: Superbad