So, your lease is up, hey? Or perhaps you’re putting on your adult pants for a day and have decided to dip your toe into the purchasing market after winning the lottery. You animal.
The thing about buying or renting in Auckland is that it’s the worst. From the traffic, to the agents, to the heart pumping, ready to kick someone in the fallopian tube before you let them get their filthy, flat-stealing feet through the door; it’s just one of life’s biggest shit fights.
To soften the blow a little, here are 31 things that can happen, (correction: will happen), when you’re flat hunting in Auckland.
1. You start out thinking that flat hunting might be a bit of fun. An adventure, if you will.
2. You quickly realise you are wrong and life is hell.
3. Refreshing TradeMe six times an hour will become the norm.
4. But you’ll quickly learn that you’re not entirely against bribery.
5. Or stealing a parking space from a sweet old woman and avoiding eye contact as you do.
6. Or, you’ll knowingly park in a disabled spot because you’ll be damned if someone else is crossing that doorway and seeing the flat first.
7. You seriously consider sharing a room with your bestie because living above your fave cafe would be a dream.
8. There’s a solid chance you’ll get caught up exploring the area, plonk yourself in a cafe when you’ve got some time to kill, and then end up missing the viewing.
9. Or, you’ll schedule seven viewings in one morning and then realise it’s completely useless because you’re in Auckland and Auckland has some of the worst traffic and public transport in the universe.
10. Then it will rain, and all bets will be off.
11. You convince yourself that you’ll get used to the smell of damp.
12. You will perfect the art of the fake, overly friendly smile and conversation with the Real Estate agent.
13. Thus, forgetting every single previous agent you’ve had and how utterly hopeless they were.
14. You’ll compliment his oversized, slightly wonky tie.
15. And nod too much, pretending to be fascinated by every single (probably broken) feature.
16. You quickly learn that “pet friendly” means “previous tenant had six cats and four dogs, and didn’t own a vacuum cleaner”.
17. Or simply “heaps of cockroaches”.
18. And that “close to local hotspots” means “sits above a pub that invites guests to scream along to Love Shack until 3am every morning before vomiting on your front door”.
19. You’ll seriously question the application process. Past five addresses, two years of payslips, and the name of your first kiss?
20. You’ll quickly learn to apply for anything before even seeing the place.
21. Then hastily withdraw it after you realise that brown skirting was a literal shit stain.
22. You’ll go in guns blazing and offer a cheeky $20 extra a week.
23. But some dickwad will have already upped it to $30 and has slipped them a cheque for the bond.
24. You realise that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
25. Like that time you went to look at a studio “just to check it out” and the “new-age hybrid shower” was an extendable tap over the kitchen sink.
26. And you could hear the neighbours actually laughing at The Big Bang Theory #dealbreaker.
27. You eventually find something, but then remember that bonds exist and go drown yourself in a bucket of wine. Or goon, because expensive.
28. If you’re on the hunt for a flatmate, then you’ve got the joys of Gumtree to look forward to.
29. Your desperation may hit a point where you’ll find yourself asking things like “absolutely, I’d love to hear more about your pet tarantula...s”.
30. Or shrugging it off when they say, “we’re not overly anal about mess”. When you know this definitely means there is a chicken carcass under someone’s bed from a few weeks ago.
31. Spotting a rogue pube in the sink and it’s game over.
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Image credit: via Crackerjack23