Each and every year Christmas swings around and we are yet again faced with the impossible task of pretending to love the shit our rellies regift us in recycled wrapping paper (looking at you, Gran). But this year can be different, because we’ve put together a list of the most loathsome Chrissie presents imaginable, so you can flick it into the family group chat ASAP.
Because, in the words of our Lord and Saviour Mariah Carey, all I want for Christmas is anything but an iTunes gift voucher.
Here are 38 gifts NOBODY wants for Christmas this year.
- Sexy undies from Gran.
- A prepaid face tattoo of Don Brash.
- A collage of all of your old school photos, in ascending weight order.
- A box of the new recipe Pizza Shapes.
- A packet of facial wax strips.
- A four-hour consultation at the New Zealand Church of Scientology.
- A two-litre tub of Budget brand SPF15+ sunscreen.
- A lifetime supply of caged eggs.
- A ticket to any Warriors game.
- Plastic wine glasses.
- A coriander plant.
- A set of bathroom scales.
- One month of premium access to Ancestry.com.
- A home paternity test kit.
- ‘The Lazy Girl's Guide To Living A Beautiful Life’ by Matilda Rice.
- A monogrammed leather chequebook holder.
- An autographed picture of Mike Hosking.
- Sharknado on video.
- An out of date tub of hummus.
- An expensive unscented candle.
- A copy of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ on DVD, with voice commentary by Donald Trump.
- An empty gas bottle.
- One ticket to a sold out Meatloaf concert.
- A single A4 page of spoilers from the next season of Game of Thrones.
- Spark broadband.
- A scratch ‘n sniff book about sexually transmitted infections.
- An inflatable Havaianas thong.
- A rain gauge.
- A Kate Spade iPhone 3S phone cover.
- A $100 Peaches & Creme gift voucher.
- A 40-pack of high-vis vests.
- $20 of 2degrees pre-paid credit.
- A framed picture of you and your ex. Yep, it's happened.
- The 2001 Guinness World Records book.
- The complete box set of The Bachelor NZ season two.
- Monopoly. Nobody wants to start a family fued.
- A ten-foot Typo canvas print of the Eiffel Tower with the Statue of Liberty in the background.
- A CD-Rom of Touch Typing With Mavis Beacon for PC.
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Image credit: Seven Sharp