Funny

43 Ways To Really Annoy An Aucklander

By Martha Brooke - 18 Jan 2017

How To Make The Most Of Summer In Auckland

Aucklanders know what they want and they certainly know what they like. It’s best to stay on the right side of this food-loving, coffee-mad and exercise-barmy bunch.

However, if you are an out-of-towner, looking to rile and irritate a work colleague, friend or your local barista, then look no further, as this list is sure to ruffle a few feathers!

1. Tell them that all coffee tastes the same.

2. And order decaf instead.

3. Obey the Road Code and drive at the designated speed limit.

4. Wear something other than yoga pants to your coffee date.

5. Argue that over the bridge is best—either side, it doesn’t matter.

6. Chow down on a Big Mac, as they announce that their gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, vegan and fun-free diet is starting now.

7. Announce that you have never eaten a dumpling before and don’t intend to.

8. Take a stroll in the cycle lane along Tamaki Drive. 

9. Declare your love for Wellington and the 137 reasons why it is the deserving capital.

10. Nab an outside table at Depot and nurse your beer for hours.

11. Leave the house without wearing your Karen Walker, Runaway Girl necklace. ‘She doesn’t even go here!’

12. Let all your K Mart-loving buddies know that the online store will not be accessible for Auckland customers.

13. Keep right as you walk along the footpath. 

14. Stand with your bag at waist height on the bus so you can knock as many of those who have seats in the face as possible.  

15. ‘Oh, didn’t you hear? Adele decided to pull out of her Auckland shows.’

16. Take a lift just one floor. 

17. Take the last spot at the Les Mills car park…and head to Victoria Park for some shopping. 

18. Walk by without stopping to pet their Bullshit (Bulldog and Shitzui cross).

19. Wear your ‘I Heart John Key’ tee with pride.

20. Head to Takapuna Beach and blast your fave tunes. Everyone should have your taste in music, amiright?

21. Like posts on Walk in Wardrobe with no intention of buying them.

22. Drive on the inside lane in a motorway and duck into the right lane at the last minute. You don’t need to be in a jam!

23. Check your phone while you’re at the movies. 

24. Break the news there are ‘no cars available’ on Uber and that you’ll have to walk.

25. Rave about how cute and quaint Auckland is compared to New York, London and Paris. 

26. Order the last doughnut from Little & Friday and only eat half.

27. Explain to them that back in your day people knew how to save and that’s the only reason they can’t afford to buy a house. 

28. Head to Ponsonby and cross the road without bothering to check if a car is coming. 

29. Swear by the Inner Link and how reliable it has been for you.

30. Take them to eat an acai bowl that doesn’t have any edible flowers on top.

31. Put petrol in your car, leave it at the pump and then spend twenty minutes choosing which chocolate bar you feel like. 

32. Rave about what a great Aucklander Angela Stone is. 

33. Put on a charity jacket and ask for money. 

34. Or, even when they are yelling nooooo, start cleaning their windscreen at a red light. 

35. Show off about your complete steal, as you move into your $180 per week, gorgeous and central Ponsonby apartment.

36. Go to a Blues game wearing red, black and yellow. Chiefs all the way!

37. Park your bike in front of allllll the cars at a red light and slowly push off when it turns green. 

38. In fact, just get on a bike. Anywhere you are, any how you cycle, some driver is gonna get road rage. 

39. Call them a Dorklander. 

40. Head overseas, become a success and then bag the very city you grew up in. 

41. Fill your supermarket trolley to its max and then go through the self-checkout. 

42.Talk about how good things are now that it’s a Super City. 

43. Ask which part of Australia Auckland is from.

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