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48 Thoughts We Had During Tonight’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester - 28 Feb 2018

married at first sight season 5

The gloves are off, the snapbacks are on and the cheese is sautéing nicely in the mini wok, as another week of Lunatics Roadshow draws to a close. While each couple is taking some much-needed time to ask themselves the all-important question: “why the f*ck have I wasted my annual leave on this life-destroying shitshow?”, the Love Experts are busy tracing their hands onto cellophane.

Here are 48 thoughts we had while watching last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. In a refreshing change of pace, we open with Troy asking Siri how to use an iron.
  2. For some reason, we are now watching a seven-minute monologue filmed on a 1-megapixel Motorola Razr of Troy basically blaming the demise of their relationship on Ash having ears.
  3. He is clearly pretending that a bunch of Countdown flowers he bought for his Grandma’s grave are actually a peace offering to Ash who he hopes will see them and be prompted to apologise for being born with the ability to perceive sound.
  4. And also admit that she is bad at tennis.
  5. He is now illustrating his commitment to Ash by waiting at the door like a needy Schnauzer.
  6. Meanwhile, Davina is explaining that the way to Ryan’s heart is through his stomach. Which is a real 180 from her previous approach of stabbing him in the back.
  7. Sounds like someone’s getting a plate of Troy’s Special Love Mince tonight...
  8. Shut your salad hole, the really bad tennis player with ears and complicated egg demands is back! 
  9. Ash has decided she needs more Instagram followers so she’s returned to Troy’s open arms in the hope that he shuts his bloody yapper and stops shaming her on national telly for not burping the worm in the mole hole yet.
  10. This calls for some celebratory mince!
  11. I will never stop making mince jokes, that was the most f*cked up thing I’ve ever seen and I grew up in rural Tasmania.
  12. Apparently, Patrick and Charlene were matched on more than just their birth decade or country of origin because so far, they don’t want the other one mowed down by a cement mixer. Incredible stuff, Love Experts.
  13. Meanwhile, Dean is counting his horcruxes because he’s shitting bricks over the possibility that people at the dinner party might remember he is a philandering sociopath.
  14. I reckon if he can murder another three sets of eardrums with his siq beats in the next few hours, he could be immortal by sundown.
  15. Back on The Troy Show, old Smelly Teeth is trying to convince Ash in the taxi on the way to dinner that it’s in her best interests not to mention ‘her’ meltdown earlier in the week.
  16. Apparently because he recently lost at tennis, lawn bowls and Mario Cart, he really wants to ‘win’ the dinner party.
  17. Clearly publicising HIS oral hygiene schedule will make HER seem CRAZY.
  18. As the dinner party gets underway, the Love Experts begin to rise from their cryogenic hibernation capsules and start yelling people’s names at a flatscreen TV in the other room.
  19. It’s all friendly squeezing and innocent chest bumping until Davina and Ryan appear.
  20. Troy is so lost in the ‘competition’ that he has completely forgotten Davina is a bitch moll and has gone straight in for the old, ‘hey, how are you, so nice to see you, in your opinion are cheese and butter almost indistinguishable in appearance?’.
  21. Ryan on the other hand is getting so many sympathy cuddles, particularly from Nasser.
  22. Gab is pissed because that’s more action than she’s received in a fortnight and Ryan isn’t even laying on his bed half naked reading a Zoo magazine.
  23. Carly is obviously showing up alone because Justin wants to cruise in later on his invisible catamaran, spraying everyone in $5 notes and reading out Foo Fighters lyrics from his Palm Pilot.
  24. While Dean and Tracey are getting ready to disparate from the Leaky Cauldron, Davina is telling everyone that Dean is a thirsty player and she can’t help being a smoking hot babe.
  25. The next ten minutes is a rotating montage of Davina telling the camera she feels really supported at the dinner party, other guests calling Davina a home wrecking slag, and the Love Experts shouting out inanimate objects in the room.
  26. I’m really enjoying Dean’s last-minute damage control in the taxi. He’s just politely reminding Tracey now that yesterday she said she was starting to not hate him and that there are STRICTLY NO TAKEBACKSIES.
  27. He then procures a proof a purchase form and raps, ‘ya mine bitch, watch your trap or you’ll end up in the ditch’ or something.
  28. And then Tracey says, ‘I want to punish you for betraying me so I will be your submissive emotional slave indefinitely to TEACH YOU A LESSON’, and then repeats it again into a Dictaphone as material for her upcoming memoir - Eat, Pray, Be A Doormat.
  29. Back at the dinner party, everyone’s throwing rocks at the door in preparation for Dean and Tracey’s entrance.
  30. So, either Troy didn’t get the memo again or has simply mistaken it as butter, because the bloody idiot has run up to Dean for a cuddle.
  31. Tracey and Davina then ‘greet’ each other by mashing their cheeks together and Ryan tells Dean to f*ck off. The Love Experts diagnose these interactions as ‘hostile’.
  32. Dean to Ryan: ‘hey, love you’, Ryan: *flips the bird*, Dean: ‘OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL RYAN, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?’.
  33. Sarah is gearing up for her Dr Phil moment with Dean, I think I saw her and Telv rehearsing lines on the couch earlier.
  34. Sarah: ‘Ok. Dean. You know I love you but you just need to own your mistakes and just, like, GTFO please, my pumpkin soup is getting cold and I hate you’.
  35. Dean: ‘DAVINA STARTED IT. SHE SENT ME PHOTOS OF HER BOOBIES. ALSO, SHE ONCE STOLE A BUBBLE’O BILL FROM A 7ELEVEN. The group deserves to know.’
  36. Across the room Nasser wants a bloody fist fight. He doesn’t want to give his wife a cuddle, but by geezuz he’ll clock a man in the goolies. 
  37. He won’t make him bleed though, blood is really hard to get out of carpets.
  38. Davina has the emotional intelligence of a rusty bike pump and has spent most of the evening telling the camera how happy she is with how the evening have panned out.
  39. Dean is literally excavating himself into an entire graveyard.
  40. Davina: ‘Don’t talk to me.’ Dean: ‘Ok, babe’ Everyone: ‘Excuuuuuse me!’ Dean: ‘Davina told me she legally changed her name to Babe just before, it’s not my fault!!’
  41. Tracey is getting pissed that everyone has an opinion. YEAH BUT IT’S ALL THE SAME OPINION, TRACEY, FFS SMH.
  42. Meanwhile, Ash is dry-retching next to Troy who keeps trying to plant mincey kisses on her cheek in between a lucky dip of adoring praise and baseless accusations of ‘butter tampering’.
  43. The Soft Serve Maintenance Mogul has returned!
  44. Justin: Hey Carly, I brought you a present. Carly: Really?? Justin: Yer I left it in the taxi though. Too bad, so sad. Carly: What was it? Justin: A…(**looks arounds**) dog…(**darting eyes**) scarf... (**sees vase**) holder.
  45. Tracey is now telling Davina to meet her outside under the bleachers to give her a huge wedgie.
  46. Davina is SO grateful for this opportunity to pass all the blame onto someone else. Wow, what a relief. 
  47. Tracey then goes to the top of the table and starts a game of Chinese Whispers that ends with Davina yelling at Tracey, Tracey reading out a quote from Forrest Gump, Dean punching a wall, Nasser squeezing Ryan’s knee, Telv calling Dean a bleeping bleep bleep bleeper and then cuts to a scene of the Love Experts flicking through a thesaurus.
  48. This entire season is a fiasco. I’m obsessed.

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Image credit: Married at First Sight

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