50 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

By Millie Lester - 12 Mar 2018

50 Thoughts We Had During Last Night’s Episode Of Married At First Sight

All of a sudden week four of Fail Of The Century has crept up and smacked us in the back of the head with an electric mini wok. This means it’s time to jump back in the saddle and flog this dead horse for another four consecutive days until it gets a New Zealand Television Award nom and then passes out on the side of the road in a pile of its own vomit. 

Here are 50 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Married At First Sight.

  1. These days I skip the first four minutes of every episode because there’s only so much I can take of Dean’s naked torso before I start retching into my Lean Cuisine butter chicken.
  2. Nothing against Dean, I’d just rather watch a four-hour loop of a pelican eating a seagull than occupy my retinas with any part of his treacherous husk.
  3. Over in Carly’s apartment, Justin is laying down a triple word score on Words With Friends in bed while she sobs silently into her Sleep Number mattress.
  4. After a double first pump and an unreciprocated high-five, Justin tells the camera that last night they ‘groped for trout in a peculiar river’ but concludes that the whole thing would have been better on the deck of super yacht.
  5. Carly is now trying to drown herself in her strawberry Nesquik.
  6. Over at the Mince Mansion, Troy is cutting hunks of Ash’s hair out with scalloped edge craft scissors while humming the Scandinavian national anthem.
  7. Ash has lost the will to live and is injecting chardonnay into her eyeballs.
  8. Meanwhile, Nasser is lobbing scone cutters at Gabby’s head while she stacks a fork in the dishwasher ‘wrong’.
  9. And John is sobbing into his Nokia 330, begging Mel to come back and make her special pork and fennel rissoles because he set the kitchen on fire last night trying to make Mi Goreng in the slow cooker.
  10. We’re then forced to sit through a two-minute montage of the husbands pashing their wives awkwardly on the lounge room futon before darting off to bitch about how none of them know how to make a good apricot chicken.
  11. Over at the men’s chat, Nasser is reading aloud all the defamatory reviews he left on AirBnB over the weekend.
  12. And Troy is recounting the time he smooched a dolphin and Ash kneed him in the goolies.
  13. Meanwhile at the girls’ chat, Tracey is reading out the first draft of her new screenplay ‘He Was A Sk8er Boi, I Said You’re A Traitor Boy’.
  14. And Gab is having a teary because she found Wet’N’Wild theme park receipts in her credit card purchase history and thinks she’s been a victim of identity theft.
  15. We now arrive at the commitment ceremony where the Love Experts are fighting over who has Dr Trish’s Kate Cebrano CD.
  16. It was Nasser.
  17. First on the Kommitment Kouch is Tracey and Dean, who will give a short presentation on the benefits of surrendering to the warm embrace of Stockholm Syndrome.
  18. Tracey is now listing all the redemption challenges she’s put Dickhead Dean through this week, including making him swallow a bag of nails, donating his superannuation to the Liberal Party, and putting diesel in his Yaris.
  19. Once Tracey’s forty-minute monologue concludes with a short interpretive dance, she then reveals ‘stay’ on her Love Wallet, Dean screams ‘eat shit, Ryan!’ at the camera, chest bumps her and Tracey hits her head on the wall and loses consciousness.
  20. Up next is John who announces he’s riding solo tonight as Mel is in the hospital not making pork and fennel rissoles.
  21. Nasser then yells out ‘mate, that is unforgivable, you deserve better than that’ through the cat flap of his dog house.
  22. John: ‘Everything’s going really well, we’re quite happy.’ Dr Trish: ‘Have you banged her?’ John: ‘There’s definitely a lot of mutual care and affection between us.’ Dr Trish: ‘But have you banged her?’ John: ‘I-’ Trish: ‘Have you tested her suspension Johnno or am I wasting my time??’
  23. John reveals that he’s chosen to stay in the experiment because his maid has taken annual leave anyway and then proceeds to show the Love Experts a dick pic he received from Nasser earlier in the day on his phone.
  24. Next on the couch is Troy, who’s laying with his head in Ash’s lap and is quietly braiding her shoelaces into his own leg hair.
  25. John cuts to the chase and asks Troy if he’s still in love with Ash this week, to which Troy responds with three barks and a neigh.
  26. All three Love Experts nod understandingly in unison and Dr Trish asks if he’s planted his sausage rocket in Ash’s meal wallet yet.
  27. Ash says she’d rather eat raw lasagne than get an eye full of his undescended.
  28. And Troy insists that when he’s not confusing major dairy products, he’s fighting ‘sexy ladies’ off left, right and centre at SeaWorld.
  29. He then announces that he’s going to stay in The Experiment and Ash opens her Love Wallet to reveal her Instagram handle.
  30. It’s now Carly and Justin’s turn to have their sex life paraded on national TV by Nympho Trish who’s got a soft spot for the hard questions.
  31. Justin talks about how disappointed he was that Carly’s home wasn’t a houseboat, especially after he made it quite clear the week before that if she didn’t change her name to Yachty Speedboatson, intimacy would be out of the question.
  32. Carly complains that no amount of boat porn will make her want to get her rocks off with him.
  33. Justin insists that watching reruns of Sea Patrol is a well-known aphrodisiac.
  34. Dr Trish then forces them both to snog right then and there on the Commitment Couch, because what the hecking hell is this show anymore.
  35. Miraculously they both decide to stay and Dr Trish invites them to peruse the goods at her sex shop later.
  36. Up next is Charlene and Patrick who’ve forged themselves a solid track record of providing next to no dramatic value to this program other than Patrick’s mother who got done for a DUI on Highway Patrol in 2009.
  37. Charlene’s not wrapped that Patrick would take a bullet for her, she’s after someone a little more like Dean, who’d probably put a bullet in her.
  38. All-knowing love doctor Mel then turns to tells Patrick and tells him his ability to have feelings is desecrating their relationship.
  39. Amidst all of Patrick’s flaws, Charlene announces that though she is a climate change sceptic, she believes in the science of love and decides that she’ll stick around another week if he agrees to tell her she’s fat at least once a day.
  40. Telv and Sarah hit the love seat next to confirm that, yes, they have played peek-a-boo with the vein cane in the flesh pipe since the last Commitment Ceremony, and no it’s not as good as watching Sarah clean dead flies off the toilet seat while Telv sucks on a Corona in the lounge room.
  41. John then makes a spectacle of the show by flaunting The Experiment’s 100% success rate when all its achieved to-date is institutionalised sexism and a 5/10 rating on IMDb.
  42. FINALLY, Nasser and Gabby The Friendly Ghost take the hot seat.
  43. Nasser says his own name about eleventeen hundred times when trying to dispel rumours that he is a self-obsessed narcissist, while speaking IN THE THIRD PERSON.
  44. Gab then tells Tickle Me Nasser to go jump because she’s had it up to bloody here *points to head* with his juvenile fear of the supernatural AND being in a three-foot radius of a female homosapien.
  45. Nasser’s ears prick at the last word.
  46. He then announces that he will be leaving The Experiment because Gab doesn’t have a neck tatt or a name that rhymes with Fyan.
  47. In an act of fierce jaw-dropping defiance, Gab opens her Love Wallet to reveal that she has decided to stay because Nasser has been a monumental waste of her annual leave, so she’s going to spend the next week putting coffee rings all over his mahogany dining table.
  48. Nasser is LIVID because he has to cancel his surprise trip to Wet’n’Wild with Ryan next week.
  49. Honestly, my kids haven’t had a school lunch in weeks because I’ve spent almost every weeknight for the last month watching the Drama Farm harvest another healthy crop.
  50. I don’t even have kids, that’s how screwed up this show is making me.

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Image credit: Married at First Sight

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