Funny

Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Mona Chatskin - 23 Aug 2016

horoscopes

Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people—who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.

PISCES

The hard road ain’t over yet, Pisces. We know last week was a toughy for you, but it’ll only be brutal for a little while longer. Things haven’t been turning out how you’d expect them to but this bad luck can’t last forever, right?! Chug down some cold-pressed juices to get that healthy kick, and maybe that green goodness will rub off on the rest of your life. 

Where you need to go this week: Satisfy all your pressed-juice cravings here

ARIES

Love has finally come your way, and we’re pretty darn happy for you. Up until now, things have been a bit quiet for you in the love department. But you know what they say, patience is a virtue. So go on, download those bazillion dating apps. Have that extra glass of wine. Buy that cashmere scarf you’ve been wanting. Love is on the way and you’re going to take it in full swing. 

Where you need to go this week: Glam yourself up thanks to these guys.

TAURUS

The stars are staying nice and aligned for you this week! Your social and financial houses are blossoming, which means you’ve got the ultimate combo under your belt. Maybe it’s time to treat your mates with a night on the town? Drinks on you? Don’t feel stingy, that generosity will pay off somewhere down the track. 

Where you need to go this week: Get the first round at any of these places and everyone will follow suit.

LEO

Leo, you’ve been dreaming big lately. Your new moon means it’s time to put those plans into action. And if you have to take risks to get there, so be it. Keep your eye on the prize think of a plan of attack – big things are coming your way. And no, we don’t mean the six-pack from Petal you’ve been dreaming about.

Where you need to go this week: But since you’re thinking about it, you may as well check out Petal's newest venue. 

GEMINI

You’ve been having a bit of beef with some of your mates lately, and it’s getting on your last nerve. We get all the feels for you on this one, and understand your frustration. But instead of using that sharp tongue of yours, distance yourself and get some space. This is the perfect time to crawl into bed with the latest Harry Potter book.

Where you need to go this week: Here’s some more book ideas for you to stick your nose into. 

CANCER

It is well and truly time to get serious about your career. You’ve been stalling things for a while and lacking a sense of direction. But you can’t scab of the rents forever. Instead of hunting down every cronut in Auckland, channel that dedication into a job hunt. And then you’ll have some moolah to spend on your favourite dessert hybrids – without the guilt! 

Where you need to go this week: Check out this recently renovated institution to celebrate your pay cheque. 

Virgo

Saturn has ended its five-month retrograde (hallelujah), which means you’re done dealing with those heavy emotional issues and domestic disruptions. So if you noticed an expected increase in sobbing and gorging on chocolate, please know that this is not out of the ordinary. Things are looking up though, and you’re entering a new phase in your life. 

Where you need to go this week: Treat yo’self with this latest trending concoction. 

LIBRA

Brace yourself Libra, you’ve got some big changes coming your way. Dat control freak attitude can’t last too much longer – and things are beginning to be a little unexpected. Don’t be upset when things don’t go according to your plans, there are bigger and better things in store in the future! Just keep exploring your brunch spots and stay busy.

Where you need to go this week: If you're a fan of la crêpe, add these places to the list. 

SCORPIO

This is bound to be a busy week for you! It seems that everyone around you is on vacation, or ditching work in one way or another. But don’t stress, that hard work and dedication will pay off. Your tenth house (which rules your social life), will pick up later this week as the sun moves into your chart. Fun times are closer than you think, Scorpio. 

Where you need to go this week: Get some inspo’ for your weekend adventures from this epic list!

SAGITTARIUS

We hate to tell you this Sagittarius, but it’s time to get active. We all know the phrase ‘summer bodies happen in winter,’ and as the chillier months draw to a close—it’s time to polish off that Tip Top tub and say hello to your gym membership (you know they’re still charging you for that, right?). Fear not, your banging bod’ will have you feeling pretty happy with your choice soon enough. 

Where you need to go this week: Being healthy doesn’t mean you have to miss out on epic eats. Check out this list for your foodie fix! 

CAPRICORN

The full moon in Aquarius is shining its light on your second house of work and money. You know what that means—KACHING! Whether it’s a promotion or a pay rise, there’s good things happening for you and your cash money. That means you can finally splurge on those Yeezys. You’ve earned it, champ. 

Where you need to go this week: Having just dropped their beautiful SS16 collection, you won't find it had to spend your dosh here.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, we just know you love your independence. But that feistiness can only lead to you putting up walls. Don’t be afraid to let people discover the legend that you are—it shouldn’t be a secret! You never know what good looking stranger is waiting around the corner for you. 

Where you need to go this week: Show off your board game skills and grab a brew at any of these spots.

Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Auckland.

Compiled by Mona Chatskin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

Tags:

Funny

You May Also Like