Funny

Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Marina Nazario - 22 Jan 2018

horoscopes


After the storm comes the sun. Wait, what are we saying? We've been spoilt with hot and sunny weather all weekend. The stars must be over their grudge from last week. Whoop whoop!

Take the opportunity to go out with someone you've been crushing on, or use your savings to buy something totally unnecessary. Whatever it is, make it count. Because you never know when the stars will change their mind and bring down the hammer of Thor. Here's what's in store for you this week. 

Aries

Recently you've been feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Take a chill pill, Aries. You’re only human. Your never-ending to-do list will get done. All you gotta do is put your head down and focus. We’re seeing a big reward for your hard work in the future.

Taurus

Your ambition is making you antsy, Taurus. Hold your horses! Don’t make any rash moves like buying an indoor plant that you're sure to kill. Think hard about what you want, talk to your supportive squad and make a game plan.

Gemini

Gem, you might be feeling like no one is paying attention to you lately. Wahh, don't be a baby about it. Do something about it. Offer up a nice gesture to a friend, like taking them out for a juicy burger. (Wanna take us?!) Don’t get this confused with buying their love...it's all about the giving. 

Cancer

Cancer, have you been feeling like your life is perfect lately? Coz it has been. And we’re sorry to break it to you, but life’s gonna start to get a little harder now. The only way to get through this? Stick to your daily routine and eat lots of cake. Don’t get distracted by things that will only waste your time (like eating anything other than cake).

Leo

What has gotten into you lately, Leo?! Stop being so lazy. Put a plan into action and get your shit together. It’s the bloody end of January. Sheesh. Once you start knocking things off your to-do list, you’ll feel like your old, energetic self.

Virgo

You’ve been working hard lately, Virgo. Take a breather, because big things are about to fall into place, either at work or with family. And once it does, we give you full permission to ENJOY IT. That’s why you work so hard in the first place, to enjoy stuff like tiramisu afterwards. DUH.

Libra

Alright, Libra, stop makin’ it rain. You won’t have any cash left the way you’ve been spending money. Challenge yourself to budget this week—ever heard of that? Try making dinner at home and check out some of these TV revivals from the comfort of your couch. Your wallet will thank you.

Scorpio

Good onya, Scorpio! You’ve been keeping all your finances in order and now you’re ready to make some moves. Whether it’s with dating, work or family now's the time to take the bull by the horns and go for what you want 100%. So if you’ve been crushing hard on someone, why don’t you, like, ask them out?

Sagittarius

You’ve got a lot of energy boiling up this week, Sag, so why don’t you use it to be proactive about your goals, or ticking off that lengthy to-do list. But don’t use that energy to pick a fight with a friend or a partner. That will just get you nowhere and you ain’t got time for that.   

Capricorn

Lucky you, Cap, you’re being rewarded for keeping on-track with your priorities. We’re gonna go ahead and say that what you’ve been wishing for is gonna come true. (Not that we’re a Genie or anything.) So if you’ve been dreaming of buying a new car or wishing for a boozy Harry Potter brunch, then you might get it. Use your wishes wisely.

Aquarius

Feeling a little cheeky, are we Aquarius? We must say you’re looking quite attractive this week. Use this confidence to get shit done. If you’re single as a Pringle, now’s the time to strut your stuff. Werk. It. 

Pisces

Damn, you’re a mess Pisces. Why don’t you stop multitasking and get it together, mate? Go to a yoga class to reel in your focus or maybe let off a little steam at your local gym. Damn, we’ve never seen you like this before…

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

Tags:

Funny

You May Also Like