Funny

Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By James Shackell - 23 Apr 2018

horoscopes


Is it worth getting out of bed this week? Well we get a public holiday, so that’s a good start. The universe is a fickle friend though. One minute it’s helping you move house, the next it’s running off with your fiancée and mocking your Bitcoin investments.

Buckle up, guys. Here’s what you’re really in for this week.

Capricorn

Speaking of investments...Caps this is the week you need to tighten your financial belt. Start small—invest in a piggy bank. All it takes is $500 in there each day...you’ll be a millionaire in no time.

Aquarius

Aquarius, if you kill one more house plant, we’re gonna tell child services. Seriously, these things can survive in deserts without rainfall for months. You are less nourishing than a desert. Go to a nursery and get some green thumb learning. The universe has had enough.   

Pisces

The stars are saying it’s time to pick up a new skill Pisces. Start a life drawing class, brush up on your Italian, or maybe just learn how to fold and hang clothes after wearing them. It’s been months since you saw your bedroom chair.

Aries

Aries, you are the Houdini master, there’s no doubt about it. “I’m just off to the bathroom guys, back in a sec”, then BAM—smoke bomb. You’ve got skills, kid, but maybe it’s worth actually sticking around till the end of a party. Bed and Netflix will always be there.

Taurus

Something’s off this week, Taurus. Salsa jars won’t open. You got stuck in a revolving door for like 15 minutes. Spinach is leaping into your teeth at an alarming rate. Better sort out your cosmic karma or this cloud’s gonna linger.

Leo

Leo, every week there’s a star sign destined for doom. And this week it’s 100% you. We recommend holing up at home with Doritos and other supplies. Lock the door and don’t leave for at least 3 days. The universe is definitely out to get you.

Gemini

Your karma is solid this week Gems. Every UberEATS order will arrive with extra dim sims (even if the restaurant was Italian). You’ll find $5 on the street for no reason at all. And an old crush will get back in touch. Soak it all in, baby.  

Cancer

Cancer, stop putting it off. You know that weird thing on your thing? Yeah, you should see someone about that. That’s not normal. And the ol’ “wait and see” approach isn’t working. Just suck it up and go see a doc.

Virgo

There’s three ways to find happiness, Virgs. Buy stuff, do meaningful work, and help people. Ditch the first one (it’s not working) and volunteer your time for a worthy cause. You’ll get a buzz and a few cosmic brownie points. Win/win.  

Libra

Libra, you saucy thing. We know you’re planning a candlelit seduction session, and we reckon it’s about bloody time. Do it right though—chocolate body paint, Barry White on the jukebox and a Fireman’s uniform. 60% of the time, it works every time.

Scorpio

Scorps, you should avoid your boss this week. They’re gunning for you. And it’s not like they even saw you swipe that fridge yogurt last week! Something definitely fishy around here. There could be an office mole...

Sagittarius

Ditch the ‘smooth moves’, Sag. You’ve tried all the pick-up tricks in the book. Here’s one you haven’t thought of: “Hi, my name is ____. You look nice. I’m not a psycho. Want a drink?” Just be yourself. No-one else can.

Here's something to brighten your Monday: philosophical tweets from the brain of Kanye West

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

Tags:

Funny

You May Also Like