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Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Allira Sher - 30 Jul 2018

horoscopes


Hello again, lovely people. There's actually not that much doom and gloom this week (unless you’re a Gemini, a Libra or a Scorpio… soz) so feel free to read without your eyes hiding behind your hands. 

Ready? Here we go. This is what you're *really* in for this week. 

Aquarius

You’re known for your honesty, Aquarius. It’s why people love you. You’re the one who tells a mate they shouldn’t wear that shirt. People appreciate. This week, though, we think you need to start being honest with yourself. Give yourself the kind of advice you’d give someone else.

Pisces

It ain’t a rich man’s world for you, Pisces, that’s for sure. It’s probably coz you’re spending every cent you have on espresso martinis. Those things are expensive. We won’t tell you to stop drinking because we know that you’re a fish, and fish need their water, and your water is alcohol. Still, watch your wallet.

Aries

If you’re missing someone at the moment, Aries, reach out. Life's too short to be hurting over a person you can Snapchat any time. Swallow your pride and get back in their lives. 

Taurus

Righto, bulls, we’ve got some serious warnings for you. Your stress levels are through the roof, and you just can’t seem to get out of your own big head. If you’re worried about something, try talking to someone instead of letting it consume you. 

Gemini

We’re just really super sick of you atm, Gem. So are a lot of people, actually. You're sorry for yourself all the time and for no good reason. So what if you have to work half an hour later on a Wednesday or your mum didn’t cook the dinner you wanted? Time to turn off the whinge. 

Cancer

Take a break from all your hard work, Cancer. We know you’re all about the daily grind, but it’s beginning to wear you down so much that not even 10 hours sleep can keep you awake. Humpday is break day, please. Stay home and watch some Netflix.

Leo

Quit scrolling through Tinder and Bumble, Leo. We’ve told you all once before and we’ll tell you again: true love just won't find you on an app. That guy you just swiped right to from Frankston with a baby in his pic is NOT the one. You’re bound to meet someone great at some stage, but do us a favour and find them the old fashion way. 

Virgo

It’s good to be picky, Virgo. It means that you won’t stand for second best or take any sh*t from anyone. Just be careful with how you approach people this week. Those who aren’t used to your strong personality might take things the wrong way, and you’ll be left with bigger fish to fry.

Libra

Knock-knock Libra. Anyone home? You’ve been pretty distracted lately. We’re not sure what with, but we highly suggest getting your sh*t together. Your friends are beginning to enjoy talking to their homemade sandwich more than you atm.

Scorpio

It’s really about time you had a shower, Scorps. The person sitting next to you at uni is too polite to tell you, so is the person who has to sit next to you on the train, but god damn you smell. Please, please do something about it. It’s not hard to rub soap under your arms and chuck on some deodorant.

Sagittarius

Just a word from the experienced, Sag. Shellac is actually REALLY bad for your nails. Sure, it’ll make them look pretty for a couple of weeks, but underneath all of that gel and polish, your nails are slowly crumbling. Plus, you’re putting your nails under UV radiation, which we both know isn’t good for you. Save your money and your nails, please. No shellac.

Capricorn

You really are the sweetest soul, cap, and we’re sensing that some people are taking that for granted. This week we strongly recommend that you tell those people to get stuffed (or maybe something a little stronger that we can’t say bc internet). Don’t let others' judgement be a weight on your shoulders.

Image credit: Sarah Law

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