Over here at The Urban List, we want our readers to know what's in store for them for the week ahead. So we're bringing you horoscopes for real people - who want their cosmic predictions with a side of honesty. Here are your horror-scopes, including suggestions for where to drown those mystical sorrows when you find out what you're *really* in for this week.
If you're planning a birthday this week, Aquarius—or if you just need a good excuse for a party—Mercury is telling you that it's time to get creative! Get crafty with a fugly/awesome glitter-covered fancy dress outfit, or bake a cake that's so laden with sugar your guests will be flying sky-high for days, then invite everyone on your Facebook friends list to share in the frivolity. Hey, we never said a year older meant a year wiser.
Where you need to go this week: To the nearest market to grab some supplies, then head home, crank some tunes, and get creative.
Pisces, THIS. IS. IT. Yes, it's the week when you finally up sticks from that job you hate and get offered something that's more in line with what you actually want to do. Don't tell your boss how much you hate them juuuussst yet—hold off until that offer comes in later this week, then make one of those hilarious 'I quit' viral videos and send it to us. We need a laugh.
Where you need to go this week: Anywhere that you can shed those shackles and have a few bevvies. Maybe start with an outrageous cocktail or two?
Whether it's Gwynnie's latest air diet, or that juice cleanse that you're free-gan mate keeps banging on about, you've always been cynical about the health fads that come and go. This week, it's time to give that weird green food diet or obscure natural therapy a go. Leaches to purify blood? Bee serum to boost your immune system? Howling at the moon for good luck? Try it all, Aries, then ditch it after a day when you realise it's totally stupid.
You've spent this year trying to nail that savings plan and find perfect romantic bliss, but really, who are you kidding? It's time to ditch the superficial bullshit (ha!) and embrace the more, erm, 'spiritual' people in your life. Disappointed about missing the last Rainbow Serpent festival, or opting out of a trip to Burning Man because of cash woes? Splash out on a festival ticket, a rainbow tu-tu, some body paint, and find yourself a flower child festival fling, Taurus!
Where you need to go this week: On a journey of internal discovery... Start with a hike into the hills?
Feel the power, Leo! Now is an ideal time to get cracking on new projects. Your personal solar cycle is in its ‘full moon’ phase; no, that doesn't mean moon people on the tram, it means it’s all systems go. Take a risk, be bold, but be kind. No need to trample the ones you love; they’re equally excited for your time of growth as you are. Until they hate you for it, at least.
Where you need to go this week: Make those those home changes or renos that have been playing on your mind—get started at one of these epic homewares stores.
Your health, energy and confidence have improved over the past month, haven’t they, Gemini?! You totally stuck to your New Year's resolutions, didn’t you? You go Glen Coco! You’re probs going to be struck down with some fresh inspiration and empowerment on the 20th, so seize the brainwave when it presents itself—but please, for god's sake, don't start another doughnut pop up :/
Where you need to go this week: Want to make the most of that new found energy? Why not give stand up paddleboarding a go?
Bae or no bae, the weekend was bit of a let down, wasn’t it Cancer? Shrug off that V-Day to forget and focus on impending wealth: your moons have been aligned for the past month, having significant financial implications. Be alert but not alarmed on the 17th for opportunities that may present themselves, even if they’re not immediately apparent. Like, if your boyfriend's wallet is sitting on the table, full of cash—and he's out of earshot.
Where you need to go this week: Live large this weekend and treat yourself to dinner here.
Your 6th house of health and career are particularly prominent this week, Virgo. Yeah, we don't know what that means either, but apparently it's time to be a bit ruthless. Don’t be afraid to be a bit pushy when it comes to getting your way in the work place: so, basically, be like Janice in accounting, cause she don't give a f--k!
Where you need to go this week: Upgrade your work-wardrobe here.
Do you feel drunk Libra? Drunk on happiness, creativity... or alcohol? Apparently you're on a (natural) high until the 19th, so make the most of it—especially considering your best days for love this month have all occured in the last week. Good V Day then? Stop being so happy Libra, everyone totally hates how happy you are. OMG you're the worst.
Where you need to go this week: Keep annoying all your friends about your perfect life over dessert at Milse, then see them get more jealous when it doesn't even go straight to your hips. Argh.
Until the 19th your solar house is all about family, which basically means they're going to guilt you into a whole heap of shit for the next week that you're not allowed to say no to. You have two choices: be a good child/sibling/parent and just do it, or immediately throw your mobile phone into the sea and go into hiding in a dark cave/Bendigo til the 20th. But knowing how addicted you are to your phone, we predict you're just going to have to grin and bear it.
Where you need to go this week: Need a getaway within (reasonably) close contact? Try one of these weekend escapes.
Now that V Day is over, you're going into a geek-attraction phase. Bad date last weekend, then, Saggo? I'm not even lying: this horoscope here says you're going to be attracted to genius-types and unconventional date-nights. It's time to buy some black frames, head to your nearest physics convention, and get busy. Ahem, BUSY LEARNING. Where is your mind?!
Where you need to go this week: February is buzzing with things to do. Choose the ones you would usually never attend, and find your next lover over creepy art things.
Apparently from tomorrow onwards, you're about to hit a financial peak. You're going to earn a whole lot of 'happiness money'—which apparently means money you make in ways that make you happy, but probably means you're a stripper. Hey, get that paper girl. We'll be sitting over here, jealous of your new Louis.
Where you need to go this week: Get some luxe pampering with all that dosh over at East Day Spa.
Need more suggestions to deal with your week ahead? Search our Directory for the best of Melbourne.
Compiled by Bianca O'Neill, Clare Acheson and Sophie Colvin. Image Credit: Twyla Skeggs @Twylamae
Want more? Here are 50 Things You Should Have Done If You Live In Auckland