It is generally accepted that men suffer far greater body image pressure than women. Thankfully the body-positive phenomenon of dad bod has emerged of late. Why is it a phenomenon? Because the internet said so.
What is dad bod? You’ve probably read the explainers already. Or at least seen the click-bait headlines and decided you are already know more than you want to.
I certainly don’t have the space here to describe the whole fascinating, astonishing craze. Without going into too much detail, a dad bod is a man’s body that is neither completely ripped and perfect like Ryan Gosling’s, nor extremely unhealthy and obese like the Buddha’s. Actually, that pretty much describes it.
So now I hear you asking, ‘how can I become one of the 90 per cent of New Zealand men with one of these “dad bods” that all the girls are so into right now?’ Having spent years cultivating a dad bod before I even knew it existed, allow me to impart my wisdom in bullet-point form.
Follow this set of instructions and in no time at all, you too can have the dad bod that you always had anyway.
- If you work in an office, it’s important not to be sitting down for the entire work day. Make sure you get up every couple of hours and walk to the toilet. Then go back to your chair.
- If you have a job as a tradie or something else that requires physical activity, make that the only exercise you get. Don’t even think about going to the gym after work or, for example, going for a run on the weekend.
- Play at least two hours of FIFA every day.
- Participating in some sport is fine, but make sure you don’t overdo it. For example, if you play a game of mixed touch on Friday night, try to balance that out by watching four consecutive games of footy on your couch on Saturday.
- Don’t even think about ordering a six inch sub. Go footlong or go home. Also, ask for more than one sauce. Ask for as many as you like. They have to comply, it’s in their Sandwich Artist oath. My record is four sauces but I’m pretty sure they will keep adding them until you stop asking.
- Instead of cycling everywhere like a Dutchman, try driving.
- Your lunch break is not just for eating. Drink a couple of glasses of wine with your food. Hell, drink a bottle.
- Instead of walking into the other room to ask your partner something, text or Facebook chat them. Warning: Be careful about texting them with a request to bring you something, like a beer for example. The amount of energy you will expend defending yourself for being ‘such an arsehole’ will undo your efforts at being extraordinarily lazy.
- Speaking of beer, drink it.
- Have a siesta between 1pm and 4pm every day. Believe me, your productivity between 4 and 5 will soar.
- Sure, go for walks. But unless you are literally being chased by a pterodactyl, don’t let me see you running anywhere.
- Steer well clear of superfoods. They cause erectile dysfunction.
- Kale actually makes your willy shrink.
- When a recipe calls for kale, use bacon instead. Chicken and kale penne becomes chicken and bacon penne. Baked kale chips become baked bacon chips. A kale and banana smoothie becomes a vodka martini with a plate of bacon. See how well it works?
- OK I’ll stop talking about kale now.