With temperatures and humidity soaring, we’re hearing the universal moan of Aucklanders as sweat trickles down bodies, tempers flare, and there’s a general sloth-like feeling of a city who hasn’t been able to sleep for the past three nights.
We hear you, Listers. Never fear, we’ve come up with a list of how to survive Auckland’s summer heatwave in 42 easy steps. Don’t say we don’t care.
- Open the door of your fridge. Put head inside. Remain.
- Head to The Warehouse and buy all the fans. Oh, never mind, they’ve sold out.
- Be like this guy and build your own swimming pool in half an hour.
- Buy ice block sticks in plastic bags. Freeze. Tape half a dozen to your body.
- Show up with sorry flowers for that friend you ditched ten years ago but has a pool.
- Fill your rubbish bin with water (make sure it’s clean first) and hop in.
- Make sure you aren’t, in fact, dead and in the fiery pit of hell. We’re not sure how you do this.
- Make snow angels at Snowplanet.
- Strip. This is not the time for modesty.
- Work your way through Auckland’s best ice cream and gelato spots.
- Buy water guns and have a fight with your flatmates. Or workmates. It might be your chance to drench your boss.
- Take all your black clothing and burn it. Just pop it outside in the sun—that should get the party started.
- If there’s air conditioning at work, take your teddy and settle in for the night.
- Head to one of these secret spots.
- Stick a comb in your humidity ‘fro. Work it.
- Go to yet another movie. Watch any ol’ shit.
- Head to the supermarket, find a cool spot and spend an hour choosing a single item.
- Head to Bikram yoga to cool down.
- Assume the starfish stance. No body part should be touching another in this heat.
- Find your breeziest window. Hang a damp sheet from it and enjoy any coolness that results.
- Choose this day to become a health nut. Coffee and alcohol will suck any water from your bones.
- Fill your hot water bottle with water and freeze. Cuddle and enjoy the 10 mins of coolness before it melts.
- Reconnect with your local library. It’s worth it.
- Jump in the fountain at Mission Bay.
- Alternatively, head to Wynyard Quarter’s water park and lie down in the urine of small children.
- Forget rules about what to wear in the workplace. It’s togs and jandals all the way.
- Try and get some sleep. Lol. You can’t sleep. That’s for people with air con.
- Lose your mind. Start a fight club with yourself. Do not talk about fight club.
- Hate everyone.
- Head to St Lukes. Lie on the cool ground and gently weep.
- Get a pack of frozen peas down your pants, stat.
- Embrace your inner statue. Movement = energy = heat = suffering.
- Keep drinking water until you eventually attach your mouth to the tap like an adorable internet kitten.
- Speaking of animals, give them water too. They’re probably suffering more than you.
- Constantly cross over to the shady side of the street.
- Keep low. Heat rises.
- Whatever happens, do not cook. Yours is the watermelon and ice block diet now.
- Test out your end of days’ emergency plan.
- Create a blackout. Shut those curtains, turn off all electrics—they create unnecessary heat.
- Stick sheets in the freezer. Make bed. Attempt sleep.
- Sleep alone. Now is not the time for love.
- Obsessively check your weather app. When. Will. This. Be. Over?
Want more ways to cool down? Here Are 10 Things To Do When Auckland Is Too Damn Hot.
Image credit: Louise Coghill