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How To Survive The Auckland Heatwave In 42 Easy Steps

By Urban List Writers - 26 Jan 2018

auckland heatwave, too hot auckland, how to cool down in auckland

With temperatures and humidity soaring, we’re hearing the universal moan of Aucklanders as sweat trickles down bodies, tempers flare, and there’s a general sloth-like feeling of a city who hasn’t been able to sleep for the past three nights.

We hear you, Listers. Never fear, we’ve come up with a list of how to survive Auckland’s summer heatwave in 42 easy steps. Don’t say we don’t care.

  1. Open the door of your fridge. Put head inside. Remain.
  2. Head to The Warehouse and buy all the fans. Oh, never mind, they’ve sold out.
  3. Be like this guy and build your own swimming pool in half an hour. 
  4. Buy ice block sticks in plastic bags. Freeze. Tape half a dozen to your body.
  5. Show up with sorry flowers for that friend you ditched ten years ago but has a pool.
  6. Fill your rubbish bin with water (make sure it’s clean first) and hop in. 
  7. Make sure you aren’t, in fact, dead and in the fiery pit of hell. We’re not sure how you do this.
  8. Make snow angels at Snowplanet.
  9. Strip. This is not the time for modesty.
  10. Work your way through Auckland’s best ice cream and gelato spots.
  11. Buy water guns and have a fight with your flatmates. Or workmates. It might be your chance to drench your boss.
  12. Take all your black clothing and burn it. Just pop it outside in the sun—that should get the party started.
  13. If there’s air conditioning at work, take your teddy and settle in for the night. 
  14. Head to one of these secret spots
  15. Stick a comb in your humidity ‘fro. Work it.
  16. Go to yet another movie. Watch any ol’ shit.
  17. Head to the supermarket, find a cool spot and spend an hour choosing a single item.
  18. Head to Bikram yoga to cool down.
  19. Assume the starfish stance. No body part should be touching another in this heat.
  20. Find your breeziest window. Hang a damp sheet from it and enjoy any coolness that results.
  21. Choose this day to become a health nut. Coffee and alcohol will suck any water from your bones.
  22. Fill your hot water bottle with water and freeze. Cuddle and enjoy the 10 mins of coolness before it melts.
  23. Reconnect with your local library. It’s worth it.
  24. Jump in the fountain at Mission Bay.
  25. Alternatively, head to Wynyard Quarter’s water park and lie down in the urine of small children.
  26. Forget rules about what to wear in the workplace. It’s togs and jandals all the way.
  27. Try and get some sleep. Lol. You can’t sleep. That’s for people with air con.
  28. Lose your mind. Start a fight club with yourself. Do not talk about fight club.
  29. Hate everyone.
  30. Head to St Lukes. Lie on the cool ground and gently weep.
  31. Get a pack of frozen peas down your pants, stat.
  32. Embrace your inner statue. Movement = energy = heat = suffering.
  33. Keep drinking water until you eventually attach your mouth to the tap like an adorable internet kitten.
  34. Speaking of animals, give them water too. They’re probably suffering more than you.
  35. Constantly cross over to the shady side of the street.
  36. Keep low. Heat rises.
  37. Whatever happens, do not cook. Yours is the watermelon and ice block diet now.
  38. Test out your end of days’ emergency plan.
  39. Create a blackout. Shut those curtains, turn off all electrics—they create unnecessary heat.
  40. Stick sheets in the freezer. Make bed. Attempt sleep.
  41. Sleep alone. Now is not the time for love.
  42. Obsessively check your weather app. When. Will. This. Be. Over?  

 Want more ways to cool down? Here Are 10 Things To Do When Auckland Is Too Damn Hot.

Image credit: Louise Coghill

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