Funny

The 42 Stages Of Getting Up On A Winter’s Morning

By Marilynn McLachlan - 07 Jul 2016

how to wake up during winter

Just a few short months ago you were complaining about the heat wave that had struck our fine city. You begged and pleaded for some cooler weather, hoping winter would come around early. But—holy shite—now that winter is finally here, the chilly winter mornings have you wishing you make like a grizzly bear and hibernate for a few months. 

Instead, you bravely face the world each day—being the champ that you are. But, before your smiley face shows up at work, here are the 42 steps you go through before you get there. 

  1. Your sleep is destroyed by the alarm you optimistically set the night before.
  2. You call on your supernatural forces to open an eye. 
  3. See that it’s dark and think that surely there’s another few hours of bedtime goodness left.
  4. But then remember that you now leave for work in the dark and come home from work in the dark. What a life.
  5. You bravely reach out a hand and turn on your bedside lamp. 
  6.  And blink away the pain—of the chill and the light. 
  7. You pretend you’re a smoker as you watch your warm breath hit the air. 
  8. And then stretch your parched mouth into a yawn and marvel at how the cold has sucked all the water from your body. 
  9. Look at your hands and gape at their dead leaf-like appearance. 
  10. Run your tongue along your puffed and broken lips and decide to invent a product to cure them. Celebrate, knowing you’ll be a billionaire in no time. 
  11. But then remember how Andrew from marketing was looking at you yesterday and realise it’s over before your sweet love even began. Ain’t nobody kissing your lips. 
  12. You inwardly rage at the immigrants who thought that New Zealand was warm and failed to include insulation in their builds. 
  13. And find yourself dreaming about never leaving the warm goodness of your bed.
  14. Then hallucinate several weeks from now, when your skeleton is discovered alone and cold. Whimper at your aloneness in the world.
  15. Note your bladder is full and try and psych yourself out of it.
  16. Realise your mind is not as powerful as you thought and know it’s time to get up before you accident in your bed.
  17. Mentally count the steps from bed to bathroom and give yourself a pep talk worthy of an Olympic coach. 
  18. Slip one arm out of the covers and feel around on the floor for any clothes you left out the night before.
  19. Curse yourself for being too damn tidy and finding nothing.
  20. Push the sheet away and wrap your duvet tightly around your body.
  21. Stand and suck in deeply as your feet touch the floor that has turned to ice—even thought it’s carpeted.
  22. Head to the bathroom and cry at the thought of having your butt freeze on the toilet seat.
  23. Wrangle the duvet so you don’t have to drop it as you do your business. 
  24. Turn on the oven and leave the door open. 
  25. Turn on the shower, the dryer…anything to warm up the bathroom even though you know it won’t be long until water is dripping from the ceiling.
  26. Wait an hour before the hot water actually works. 
  27. Run to the bedroom and grab your clothes for the day. Add a sweater. And another one. 
  28. Hang them in front of the oven so they’ll be warm when you hop out of the shower.
  29. Turn the shower to the hottest temperature you can stand and stay in there until your skin is red hot—who cares about your flatmates? It’s all about the survival of the fittest.
  30. Debate whether to shave. Hair is warmth, right?
  31. Use the blow dryer to dry your body. Love how you’re totally doing summer right now.
  32. Forget coffee, add chilies to your breakfast smoothie to really warm you from the inside.
  33. Finally open the curtains and wonder if it’s been raining indoors.
  34. Grab a squeegee and scrape the windows dry.
  35. Look around the room and realise the walls need to be squeegeed too.
  36. Curse because there’s now a flood on the floor and you need to mop it. 
  37. Head to the kitchen to pack your lunch and wonder why you bought healthy salads instead of the saturated fat your body is actually craving. 
  38. Fill a jug of hot water and head outside and give a silent cry as the cold air hits your lungs.
  39. Pour said water over your windscreen, back window and rear-view mirrors.  
  40. Brace yourself and hop in the car and turn on the heater full blast and feel your body start to shake uncontrollably from the chill. 
  41. Drive to work and hope Jeanette from accounts has realised that the snot pouring out of her nose means should stay the hell home to avoid spreading her plague. 
  42. Mentally start counting down the months until these dreary, dark days are over and you’ll feel human again so raw hope can make you nice to people when you arrive at work.

Want to make the most of winter? Here are 51 Ways To Make This Winter A Whirlwind Of Fun

Image credit: Lifehacker

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