Funny

The 7 Deadly Sins Of Movember

By Ben Tyers - 02 Nov 2016

Movember is here once again which means there are a ton of blokes who have picked up their razor for the first time in a while, given themselves the once over and now look strikingly similar to the day they were born.

Now, Movember is a great cause that has been around for well over a decade, helping provide money to prevent testicular and prostate cancer as well as providing services for mental health and suicide prevention. So if you’re going to shave down and grow a moustache, don’t be super lame about it and actually raise some funds.

For those who are throwing their face into the insult-laden territory of growing a moustache, it’s worth noting that there are many hurdles that you’ll have to come across on your journey. You’ll go through all the usual feelings of denial and acceptance but you’ll also push very close and sometimes step into the territory of the seven deadly sins.

So keep that upper lip stiff, and forge on.

Lust

You’ve pined after great moustaches in history your whole life—David Boon, Tom Selleck and Ron Swanson are all fine purveyors of moustachioed magnificence and set the bar extremely high. So don’t be too disheartened if yours isn’t exactly setting the world on fire from the get go.

Gluttony

So you love to tear into a good steak or a rack of ribs on a night out. For the glutton, growing a moustache can make your existence much more enjoyable. No longer do you have to worry about food flying everywhere and dropping onto your new pair of bargain basement ASOS jeans, because now your moustache will do the catching for you. When you find that small glob of BBQ sauce eight pints into the evening, you’ll feel like Christmas has come early.

Greed

Here’s one sin that works out perfectly for the cause. You’re not growing this moustache solely to gain the admiration of your peers, you’re also out in these desolate plains to raise funds, and raise you shall. As Gordon Gekko said “greed is good.” Be as greedy as you can be and turn yourself into a donation spruiking machine. Don’t let Bob from accounts beat you in that tally.

Sloth

Yes, you no longer have to shave your upper lip, but don’t let laziness creep in. First it’s not shaving your moustache, then it turns into not washing it. Soon you find yourself lying on your couch in a smoking jacket surrounded by UberEATS bags. Pick yourself up, be like George Michael and choose life!

Wrath

You’ll start out November clean shaven and looking very similar to your eight-year-old self so prepare to cop severe grief from your co-workers and mates over this. A week later and you’ll have the seeds of your moustache for all to see. Embrace the filthy looks you’ll get and push on—your end result moustache (in your eyes) will be a thing of beauty.

Envy

You’ll be envious. There are some dudes out there that can grow a full, neat, bristling moustache in 30 days, but that’s not everyone. Go at your own pace, because moustaches come in all shapes and sizes and they are all noteworthy and beautiful.

Pride

Finally, pride. Come the end of November, your moustache will have made you well respected amongst your peers, you will have raised some serious dough and you will probably have been promoted at work due to your increased productivity. Rip the lid off a frosty VB and charge that can high, you’ve earned this.

Image Credit: Presto

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