So Eddie Redmayne/Emma Watson/both never replied to your tweets and you’re facing yet another Christmas as a lone wolf, which is especially depressing after the year that’s been (tubes of Pringles are all of a sudden 10.6% smaller than they were last December and NOBODY HAS ANSWERS). But fear not because we’ve put together a guide to tackling Christmas as a free agent that’ll make everyone with a lover wish they were too (maybe).
1. Use The Money You Would Have Spent On Your Lover On Yourself
According to a very reliable article that I found on Google, the median amount of money that people spend on partners they’ve been with for 2.5 years is $92.50. Using these figures, I have generated a very elaborate equation for working out how much to spend on the person you’ve been in a relationship with for most of your life—yourself:
2. Eat The Food Your Partner Would Have Eaten
Just because you couldn’t bag that hot barista down the road doesn’t mean the local economy should suffer. Eat for two this Christmas to support local business.
3. Do Not Share Your Advent Calendar
You are under no socially-enforced obligation to share your advent calendar with anyone. Eat the odd numbers AND eat the even numbers, in fact you should’ve eaten the whole thing on November 30 and bought a fresh one for [every week of] December. Who’s going to know? Certainly not Eddie Redmayne.
4. Put Your Christmas Tree Up In October
Got a free afternoon in October? Put the Chrissie tree up. Scientists have confirmed that living in streets lined with trees makes you feel happier and younger, so if you’ve got one sitting next to the tellie for three months of the year, you won’t even care that you’ve got no one to take to Fifty Shades of Grey 2 by the time Valentines Day rolls around.
5. Accept Gifts On Your Non-Existent Partner’s Behalf
Tell your family you are bringing someone home for Christmas and that they have a very particular affinity for white chocolate Lindt balls and bottles of Baileys. Then ‘get dumped’ on Boxing Day and pocket the goods.
6. Watch One Season Of Your Favourite TV Show Every Week In December
The holidays are a time to be spent with the people you love. Like McDreamy.
7. Send Out A Christmas Newsletter Detailing All Your Health/Fitness/Career/Social Achievements For The Year
To draw attention away from your relationship status this festive season, send out a Holiday Newsletter prior to Chrissie lunch outlining several achievements in other areas of your life that’ll give your fam something else to talk about. I.e. “I ate three tubs of Sara Lee salted caramel ice cream in one afternoon”, “I went from a size 8 to a size 12 in two weeks”, “I haven’t cleaned my fridge in three years”, “I went to the dentist and broke the record for the most amount of fillings in one sitting”, “I haven’t paid rent in five months because I’ve been living in my car”.
8. Answer Questions From Family With More Questions
- “Anyone on your love radar this year, love?” “Got your life insurance sorted this year, Auntie Jude?”
- “Not bringing someone special home this year, dear?” “Not passing out on the front lawn again this year, Nan?”
- “Spending Christmas alone this year are you, cobber?” “Spending Christmas amidst a bitter divorce this year are you, Uncle Frank?”
9. And Finally, Deactivate Social Media On Christmas Day
You do not need pictures of Tiffany rings and engraved Marc Jacobs watches in your life. Because deep down you know Sally definitely picked that ring out herself two months ago, even though the caption says, “Look what Darren got me for Chrissie, bae knows me so well. #blessed #happybdayBabyJesus”. Just focus on eating your two servings of Turducken.
Image credit: Metro Mode