Funny

20 Things Only Parsley Haters Understand

By Anna May - 03 Feb 2018

things only parsley haters understand


Coriander haters are a privileged bunch.

Everyone understands, or at least sympathises with their detest for the food. They have their own Facebook group dedicated to their common hatred. But what about the rest of us that shudder at the mere thought of a rogue sprig of slutty parsley in our food, or worse, mouth? Where’s our political campaign to ban a piece of greenery? Not anywhere I can see right now from my comfortable spot on the couch, that’s for sure.

Sing it with me, fellow parsley haters. You know the tune.

  1. Parsley is disgusting. It’s coriander’s bitchier, more hideous sister. She is often overlooked, but don’t let her fool you.

  2. As a direct result, you strongly believe that ALL garnishes should be listed on menus.

  3. Because you’ve lost count of the times when you’ve ordered a seemingly delicious dish and been met with a forest of parsley on top. Why didn’t you just sneeze on it, mate?

  4. You’ve taken to telling people you’re allergic to it, just to ensure none of it ends up in or around your mouth.

  5. Nothing upsets you more than biting into an innocent-looking salad and then realising those leaves were actually parsley.

  6. And then you realise they’re all chopped up and thrown throughout your lunch because some selfish, careless hooligan went all Parsley Bae when making it.

  7. Drunken kebabs are a minefield when it comes to the risk of tabbouleh.

  8. “Why don’t you just pick it off?” BECAUSE I CAN STILL TASTE THE POISON, SUSAN.

  9. The world understands, nay, sympathises with coriander haters. But parsley haters are met with confusion.

  10. “What do you mean? It’s tasteless!” they will cry, speaking a language of the perpetually wrong.

  11. “No, Grandma, it tastes like old grass, with notes of ruining my day”, you scream before storming out of the retirement home.

  12. You’re considering adding “well-versed in the ability to tell flat-leaf parsley from coriander” on your CV.

  13. You’ve reported at least five people on Instagram for posting otherwise delicious dishes that are topped with pars-*pauses to gag*-ley.

  14. Speaking of which, you’ve seriously considered writing a strongly-worded letter to Woolies to inform them that a sprig of parsley on the steaks in their butcher counter doesn’t make them any more appealing.

  15. Your Bumble profile specifically states that anyone who enjoys the P-Monster should immediately swipe left and then enter therapy.

  16. You’re aware that there’s a Parsley Bay in Sydney. And you boycott it. For good reason.

  17. People always tell you that chewing on parsley can freshen your breath.

  18. But you tell them you’d rather smell like Hagrid’s toe cheese that chew on it like some commoner.

  19. Green juices are mostly off limits. For many reasons, but mostly because parsley is green and it’s too much of a risk.

  20. Remember Lurleen Lumpkin from The Simpsons? The country singer Homer manages? Whenever someone questions your hatred for parsley, think of her song, ‘No-one Understands You, But I Do’, and remember this article. Parsley haters unite.

Hate coriander too? Then, you'll love this

Design credit: Isaac Smith

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