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We Need To Talk About: Your Online Dating Profile

By Sophie Colvin - 02 Nov 2016


Whether you're looking for a filthy one-nighter that you're already planning to forget, or you're looking for the bread to your butter—so much fate lies in the quality of your dating profile.

Ignore your Mum when she asks 'why can't you find someone nice the old fashioned way' and pimp your profile to make yourself look way hotter and sound funnier than you actually are. Who cares if it's not all 100% true? At least you might get a free meal out of it. 

Photos To Include

  • Be sure to include the obligatory travel photo. It's vital that everyone knows that you're worldly and cultured. Bonus points for locations that are unrecognisable. 
  • The group photo to prove you have actual, real-life friends is a must. These friends should, preferably, be at least two points below you in the hotness scale. 
  • Pictures of you with animals show you have a heart. Puppies are best. Kittens or farm animals will suffice. Best to steer clear of chained tigers in Thailand. 
  • Bonus points: a picture with your mum makes you look like a gentleman... And girls like to know who they'll be dealing with. 
    Hot tip: don't substitute this with a pic of your sister, we just presume she's some crazy ex.
  • A casual drinking photo. There is a fine line with this one: If every photo has you with a drink in hand, we'll conclude that you have a low-key drinking problem, but one or two is fine. Something that screams 'fun' is always nice—Think more cocktail party, less race-day wasted. Girls, he probably won't care if you're drinking in every photo. You legend.

Pictures To Avoid:

Guys 

  • Anime pics. You're not some Japanese boy super-hero
  • Call me picky, but don't waste one of your pictures on a snap of you with your car - we couldn't give too hoots about your mag wheels.
  • Pleeeaaase don't let every picture be of you in a group. We get it, you're popular, but this isn't a game if bloody Where's Wally? We just presume you're the ugly one.
  • Dress up photos are fun, as long as it's a nice clean house party, not mad Monday. And as long as you're not black face, or something equally controversial.
  • Bodybuilding photos. I will screenshot them. I WILL send them to my friends. 

Girls

  • Golden rule, girls: boobs or legs. Choose one. 
  • Go easy on the bathroom selfies. 
  • Go easy on the group bathroom selfies 
  • If all your photos are in a group, he's presuming you're the ugly one. 

Bios

We're not convinced that anyone reads online dating bios (after all, we're vapid Gen Ys that only care about the photos, right?! RIGHT?!) But on the off chance that some is reading them, follow the below.

  • Keep it short and sweet.
  • Disclaimers about who that kid in your third photo belongs to are appreciated, but not necessary. 
  • Funny is good. Witty is better. 
  • Please, no inspirational or insightful quotes. Online dating has already sucked my soul dry, your quote is not going to change that.
  • Guys, please don't put your height in your bio. I know there are shallow girls out there that open with this question, but seriously... Aren't we better than that?!

Opening Messages

  • Please, please for the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, come up with something better than just 'hey' (or a variation of)
  • Questions are good. Keep them clean. The quirkier the better. King of the biscuits? Chocolate or cheese? 
  • If you've followed our advice re: travel photos, every man and his dog will open with a question about that time you pretended to be intrepid. You can chat about that time they walked the Inca Trail later, open with something that they probably haven't been asked before. 
  • Please. No dick pics.... at least until we ask for them (which we probably won't) 
  • Remember, no one really cares what you did on the weekend, it's just a mandatory question so that you can get to the juicy stuff. 
  • Girls, Do. Not. Ask. His. Height. If you're over 6ft and it genuinely matters to you, wait until, like day three. And then surreptitiously slip it in there. Don't open with that rubbish. 
  • Conversation's going well and you want to convert to text messaging. Just suggest it. Yes, it really is that easy. 

Image Credit: TechCrunch

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