Funny

What Your Dog Breed Says About You

By Daniel Colasimone - 27 Nov 2015

You generally choose your own pet so the when you see people walking around with a particular breed of dog, it is quite easy to make snap judgements about them which are completely true.

Some folk buy docile, friendly dogs, others decide they want to live with hyperactive mini-tornadoes. Likewise there are those who think a cute and cuddly pup suits their image, while other people want something that makes them look badass.

Here’s a list of 21 of the most popular dog breeds in New Zealand, and what they say about their owners. 

Rottweiler

In Greek and Roman mythology, the three-headed hellhound Cerberus, with a mane of snakes and the claws of a lion, guarded the gates of the Hades so as to stop the living from entering and the dead from escaping. Though they have evolved to have only one head nowadays, all Rottweilers are direct descendants of Cerberus. If you own one, you must have done some really bad shit to need that level of protection.

Pug

Ever since the blockbuster smash Milo and Otis melted our hearts in 1986, pugs have been regarded as the trendiest of the trendy dog breeds. And for good reason too. Pugs are always looking sad and confused, snoring and going off on adventures with kittens. They are basically cuteness incarnate. Their owners tend to be a bit like Dance Moms, either relatively sweet and normal or full-blown psychopaths.

Poodle

Poodle owners are very fancy people. They dress like dandies and sometimes even wear flowers in their lapels or necklaces that contain precious gemstones. In their spare time they enjoy wine spritzers and sex romps with their personal trainers. 

American Staffordshire Terrier

I’m not going to say anything nasty about American Staffordshire terrier owners because most of them have Gold Coast bikie connections. I WILL say there are often quite muscular, like their dogs, and are really amazing, attractive people. Don’t hurt me. 

Pomeranian

Despite owning the ponciest breed of dog in the world, Pomeranian people are actually salt of the earth-type folk. They tend to be into things like bare-knuckle boxing, smoking pipes and building barns. They can light matches right off their battered suede jackets, even with safety matches. 

Border Collie

Forced to live with the indignity of knowing their dogs are more intelligent and talented than they are, Border Collie owners compensate by working extremely hard at becoming highly paid professionals and leaders in business or politics. Their favourite song is the Footrot Flats movie theme, and they love it when people sing it at them.

Golden Retriever

Goldens are fluffy yellow bundles of dippy joy, and the people who own them are pretty much the same. They adore MKR, leather boots, slip ‘n’ slides, Freddo Frogs, vaping, Jennifer Lawrence, Burger Urge, online sex shows, and Harry Potter.

Labrador

Essentially the same as a golden retriever, though the respective owners of each will vehemently argue that their breed is superior in every way. Likewise, Lab people are exactly the same as Golden people, though those with chocolate labs prefer Hungry Jack’s to Burger Urge and Dora the Explorer to Harry Potter.

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

People who buy these dogs are often quite promiscuous, so if you’re feeling a little toey and see someone walking a King Charles, give them a cheeky wink and do the click-click sound with your tongue; chances are you’ll be bumping uglies in the bushes within minutes.

Cavoodle

When they’re not going through frequent existential crises, Cavoodle people enjoy Steampunk, collecting vintage buttons and building incredibly life-like robots.

German Shepherd

German Shepherds rose to prominence as the preferred war dogs of the Central Powers during WWI and have often been seen as the ferocious attack dogs of despotic regimes or oppressive police forces. Not to worry, when they’re not savaging freedom fighters they can be super cute, as seen in such TV shows as Rin Tin Tin and Inspector Rex. German Shepherd people usually own junkyards that need to be guarded, or are interested in solving mysteries with the help of their canine companions.

Staffordshire Bull Terrier

These bold, squat little friends are usually accompanied by rambunctious human beings who are equally at home getting neck tattoos as they are quoting Oscar Wilde. Most Staffy owners are addicted to gambling (specifically on the trots) but also enjoy slaving for hours in the kitchen to cook their partners something nice and tasty. They will happily watch a brutal UFC fight followed by six hours of Say Yes to the Dress. Their complex, multi-layered personalities ensure they are often misunderstood, and it is extremely hard for them to hold down a job.

Australian Cattle Dog

Forever teetering on the ragged fringe of madness, Cattle Dog owners only need the slightest of pokes to completely flip their lids. Be very careful with your choice of words around them, and certainly never look them directly in the eyes. 

Husky 

Often found wearing heavy furs, even in mild conditions, and gravely telling strangers that ‘winter is coming’, Husky owners (or, as they prefer to be called, ‘Dire Wolf owners’) have generally taken the whole Game of Thrones thing a bit too far. 

French Bulldog

French Bulldog owners are only allowed in the most fashionable neighbourhoods of the city. They must wear expensive clothes and sip coffee in well-exposed locations where they and their dogs can be viewed by large amounts of spectators. This makes them perfect targets for their little pooches, who have actually been sent from the underground Bat-Dog Alien cities on Jupiter’s Europa moon to infiltrate the human race. Soon they will begin what they call the ‘Shock and Paw’ attacks whereby they expose their mumsies and dadsies to potent mind control techniques which will see richest, hippest and most fashionable members of society carry out diabolical acts of sabotage that will eventually cripple the human race and facilitate the arrival of the Bat-Dog overlords. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

German Shorthaired Pointer

All GSP owners have a sugar skull tattoo hidden somewhere on their bodies.

Miniature Schnauzer

Though hit desperately hard by the news of Zayn leaving One Direction, Miniature Schnauzer owners have since picked up the pieces of their shattered lives like the little troopers that they are, and are taking much inspiration from Charli XCX’s uplifting album, Sucker.

Dalmatian

Most Dalmatian owners have spent at least a few years of their lives travelling the country hustling pool and racketeering, and though never convicted, probably have a murder rap or two hidden away in their past somewhere. That’s not to say they are not lovely people now, though; you shouldn’t be afraid to approach them. Just make sure it’s from the front and with your hands empty and away from your body. Old habits die hard and nobody wants to get gunned down in broad daylight.

Beagle

Though once considered to be the batshit crazy one in their group of friends, Beagle owners are now the kinds of people who wear red pyjamas to bed, read The Australian and watch Lateline.

Dachshund

It takes a certain personality type to want to own a dog that looks like a sausage. Most Dachshund owners would have sucked their thumbs well into their mid-teens, but having reached adulthood, can now perform remarkable feats in the bedroom, with the elan of a gymnast and the shamelessness of an Eastern European sex worker. 

Jack Russell Terrier

Owning a Toyota Yaris and drinking to excess are just two of the common attributes of Jack Russell people. They also visit strip clubs regularly without ever paying for a lap dance, and have the remarkable ability to call heads or tails with 80+ per cent accuracy.

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