You may have dodged the January resolutions this year, but if your partner-slash-bestie-slash-roommate has signed their soul away to a yet another diet regime, we’re afraid you’re in for a long month.
This is an ode to all of the dieters and their loyal dietees, who never signed up for this.
- You’re banned from eating anything fun, ever. Despite that fact that you never physically, verbally or mentally agreed to (in any way, shape or form) participate in this kind of hellish deprivation, you’re still not allowed Tim Tams in the pantry.
- When you tell them (politely) to have some self-control, you take one look at their expression and leave the Tim Tams the f**k alone.
- You start a sugar stash at work. You eat a pack of Tim Tams a day, rotating between original, caramel and double coated because you have to store something in your belly to prepare for the hours between 6pm-8am.
- The fridge simultaneously has a lot of food and nothing to eat. Carrots? No. Fresh fruit? Pa-lease. PLAIN UNSALTED, UNBUTTERED POPCORN? I’d rather gnaw on the kitchen table.
- You sporadically open the fridge at night, just in case the magical, non-existent Easter bunny comes early to bring you sugar.
- You have to start lying about what you had for lunch, or else you'll be dealing with their hangry tirade. You’ve learnt that you do not want to deal with hangry tirades.
- When you do (stupidly) tell your partner what you ate for the day, they look at you like you’ve killed the next-door neighbour’s puppy.
- You’re roped into ALLLLLLLLL their ridiculous fitness activities. It doesn’t matter that you don’t want to go running at 5am, or that you don’t like rock climbing, they “need a partner” for these things so Sunday afternoons are now dedicated to exercise. Horrific.
- Eating out is a psychological minefield. Offer them fries too early, you might as well be offering them a grenade to throw at your face. Don’t offer any fries once they’ve finished their salad (and have realised they are still effing hungry) and you’re sentencing yourself to relationship doom.
- You learn to account for the extra amount of food they will (inevitably) steal from you.
“Do you want some fries?”
“But are you sure?”
*orders a serve of small fries because you’re a logical person*
*only gets to eat half*
*is hell pissed*
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If all the dieting is too much you may as well get fit as well. We looked into what the biggest fitness trends of the year will be, find them here.
Image credit: Mike Dorner