‘Heaven hath no power like love to hatred turn’d; nor hell a fury like a hangover in your thirties’.
As we mature our relationship with alcohol warps horrifically. What we gain in wisdom we lose in the ability to mix drinks without worshipping the porcelain gods the next day. It’s a sick and twisted nightmare that is fundamentally unfair.
After centuries of hoaxes and dismal failures, the hope of a Cure has since faded into urban folklore. Not even the global efforts of whizzbot scientists have managed to significantly dull the nauseous reckoning of the liquid flu.
Hate to tell you NASA, but you lose this race. The hangover has been cured, thirteen times over at some of the best (life-saving) Brisbane cafes and restaurants:
#1 Bloody Mary at Sabotage Social
With the dual powers of hair of the dog and a fatty fry up, Sabotage Social’s towering Bloody Mary is twice as likely to spare you the wrath of grapes. Served in the largest stein available and garnished with a doughnut, a pickle, a kransky sausage, a chicken fillet, pizza scrolls, a stick of celery and a partridge in a goddamn pear tree.
#2 BB Sausage Burger at Ben’s Burgers
After a hard night on the fire water, sink your fuzzy chops into the protein-packed BB Sausage burger: sausage, egg, cheese and bourbon BBQ sauce ensconced in a soft, squishy bun like an edible pillow. The rest of the breakfast menu at Ben’s Burgers is pretty much exclusively hangover cures, so you can order one of each and triple-charge that comeback.
#3 Poutine at The Burrow
We’ve said it before but we’ll say it again, there is nothing so terrible that a plate of fries with cheese and gravy can’t fix it. The Burrow’s poutine contribution gets our shiny seal of approval with the inclusion of blue cheese sauce, bacon lardons, multicolored peppercorns and chilli fries.
#4 Nitro Coffee at Queen of Pops
This resplendent and refreshing new method of ingesting caffeine is only available at Queen of Pops. Have them pour you a double and sip it slowly behind dark glasses to avoid that incredibly unfashionable brain freeze.
#5 Cold-Pressed Juice at the Raw Juicery
Solid food can be a bit of a hard ask if someone slipped you a bad ice cube the night before. Mercifully, the Raw Juicery has a perfect juice concoction of carrot, beetroot and ginger to help you on the road to recovery. No strangers to reviving alcoholics, it’s no coincidence they call this potion The Healthy Liver.
#6 One-Pan Fry-Up at Comfort At My Table
Dilemma: you don’t have time for multiple courses but you need all the foods and you need them now. The solution: Comfort At My Table’s one-pan fry-up with the whole gang: bacon, pork and fennel sausage, thyme mushrooms, roast pumpkin, chat potatoes, a fried egg, cranberry relish, seeded mustard, rocket and a slice of toasted multigrain, all in one convenient pan.
#7 Chocolate Ganache Milkshake at Scout
Bridging the gap between coffee and solids, Scout’s chocolate ganache milkshake has just what you need to weather your physiological meltdown. It’s sweet, it’s alkaline and it comes with a straw so you don’t even have to raise the glass.
#8 Grilled Haloumi at Little Clive
More of a good thing equals less than a bad thing, so we recommend ordering Little Clive’s haloumi laden breakfast with a side of extra haloumi. They’ll even throw in some field mushrooms, kale, poached eggs and a pistachio crumble to balance it out, but take heed on the extra haloumi. It is seriously the only thing to abate traumatisation by the technicolour yawn.
#9 Pancakes at Billy Kart Kitchen
The light and fluffy sensation of chowing through Billy Kart Kitchen’s stack of buttermilk and ricotta pancakes is like eating your own bed. Complete the picture with some banana and a good drizzling of coconut caramel and you’ve got yourself a waking cure for
#10 Californian Breakfast Burrito at Pawpaw Café
This snug little breakfast parcel is so good at calling you back from the brink they’ve had to trademark the recipe. The toasted tortilla filled with house made black beans, scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, chipotle sour cream and tomato salsa will cure most ails, but make sure you add the braised beef cheek if you want the full benefit of the cure. Pawpaw’s cheeky one-hander breakfast also leaves you with one arm free to nurse a bucket, so it’s perfect for the morning after.
#11 The Eggs Benedict at Moose & Gibson
Like my Irish mammy used to say: there’s nothing better than an eggs benny when you’re feeling phlegmy. And she owned a brewery so she’d know. As Brisbane’s benchmark of hearty breakfeasts, you can trust Moose & Gibson’s no-nonsense eggs benedict to pull you back from the brink of doom.
#12 The Jackson at Shouk Cafe
It’s a widely recognised fact that the fermented juniper berry is a vicious nutrient thief. If you’ve woken red-eyed and bushy-tongued with the post-marathon feels, chances are you got taken for a ride by a bottle of Hendrick’s. Don’t panic, stay calm and swiftly get your ass over to Shouk for a protein blasted plate of eggs, merguez sausage, bacon, herb roasted tomato, braised kale, roasted mushroom, latke and sourdough.
#13 King Kong Shake at Pineapple Express
Perfect for ‘nana guzzlers floundering in the swirling hell of delirium tremens, Pineapple Express’s King Kong shake will clear the bleak and get you back on your feet. Made from banana, coconut Coyo ice-cream, chia seeds, cinnamon, coconut water and Manuka honey, it’s just the thing so soothe a boozy crapulence and sure beats an Excedrin breakfast.
Can't make it to one of Brisbane's best cafes for recovery? Lie in bed and check out what your home-remedy hangover cure says about you.